Sexy, Innocent Child-Woman

Unrequited love

I hate it when I fall in love with my friends. It hurts so badly, especially when it's pretty obvious that things would never work out if we became more than friends. Ewan ko ba. Dunno how I fell in love with my current love interest, but it all happened less than two weeks ago. At first I thought she liked me (hehe, assuming ba?) because of some cryptic actions on her part (read: she called me "honey" a lot, sounded so happy whenever I called her, and said all these things that made her seem like she wanted to get so involved with my life) that gave me all these weird feelings in my gut. It's hard to explain why I felt weird, but as I told my good friend Robert, I know I wouldn't feel weird if another girl friend would do or say those things to me. Robert, who miraculously can read me so well even if we haven't seen each other for the past eight years or so, kept teasing me, saying I should just admit that even a small part of me likes that girl. I denied it for the first two nights and said she just weirded me out whenever she called me "honey." But exactly a week ago, when we got together and I ended up tagging along with her when she ran some errands and hanging out at her place till it was almost midnight, I realized he was right. Shieet. When I fall, I fall hard. God, let my feelings pass soon before they get in the way of our friendship.

No words can express how and why I fell in love with this girl. Sure, she looks like the Latina version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I don't think I fell for her because of her looks. She's really caring and she has this way of listening to you and making you feel she'll always be there for you. When she talks to her family over the phone or tells me about her family and friends, I can see the same caring nature. And she's just so mysterious. She admits she's really secretive, even toward her closest friends, and she appreciates it when they respect her decision to keep things from them (intriga, diba?). She's also religious and socially conscious. Well, she ain't no political science major and journalist by profession for nothing. And she admits she's pretty picky with her friends. She doesn't consider a lot of people her friends, so I'm touched that she considers me a friend. 'Yun lang, medyo selosa siya.

I can't even describe how happy I am just staring at her dark, expressive brown eyes or her delicate face while she talks, or listening to her talk to her mom on the phone, even when I can hardly understand what she says (except for hijo de puta, maybe, haha), or just accompanying her or helping her out when she runs errands. I just treasure her presence and enjoy the sweet fullness of doing nothing with her.

I fell in love with her without knowing it and realized it too late. Funny, we became friends partly because I fell in love with a guy I work with (Yes, I'm bisexual.) and kept her posted about what I'd do with the guy (na-develop rin ako sa lalaki without realizing it. The thing is, he has a girlfriend but he's also discerning the priesthood, so hindi talaga pwede). So we actually started out as girl-friends, and I even considered her a big sister figure, in a way. (Now I know why considering someone my "ate" can be a big red flag for me. As my best friend knows, I fall in love with or at least get very attached to my "ate" figures every so often.) Too bad she would never fall for me. It wasn't hard to fish out information about her sexual orientation. I don't know whether or not she ever had a boyfriend at all because she's pretty secretive about her love life, but as far as I know, she's heterosexual. =( =( =( I don't even dare to hope that somehow, she'd turn out to be bisexual, too, and give me a chance. I just hope I'll get over her soon. I have to be contented that she wants us to be close friends. And in a weird way, her being dense has its advantages. She has no clue just how much I like her.

We went out last Saturday and ended up boy-watching while killing time before we went home. I can't even describe how painful that was. Now I know why someone once said the hardest thing is sitting beside someone and knowing that you'll never have them. I sure got drunk that night and bawled my eyes out to Robert. Oh well. I'll live.

found herself @ 8:49 PM