More random musings
Okay, taken na ako. Don't know why or how I ended up giving you-know-who a chance, but it just felt so right. And today, I don't feel strange going about my life knowing that I have a boyfriend. Who's the lucky guy? Sino pa nga ba? R, my childhood friend turned jowa (hehe, I'm using this term because it makes him laugh). We're officially together, but I still want him to ask permission from my parents and half-brother. I told him that's the least we could do to start the relationship the right way.I've realized just lately how afraid I am to love. I have no hesitations when it comes to loving my friends or the people in the communities and institutions I've volunteered at/worked with (the Aetas, the inmates of CIW, the babies at CRIBS, the Native Americans at Anawim Center, what-have-you), and I've fallen in love God knows how many times. But I'm at my most vulnerable state when it comes to romantic love, especially when I'm in a relationship. Maybe it's because I'm one hell of a martyr and I've been burned...I don't know...twice? More than twice? I've done a lot of stupid things for love.
Thank God for my friend JP, to whom I spilled my guts out over the phone last night. I told him about the fears about my relationship with R that surface at times, particularly the fear of getting hurt and the fear that the relationship could get in the way of my discernment. JP patiently assured me to stick to the relationship and enjoy it, and reminded me, "Hindi natin alam kung paano gumagalaw ang Diyos." I told him that I almost closed my doors, on the pretext of wanting to become a nun, but then something inside of me told me not to use the convent as a shield or cover up for my emotions or what could happen. JP affirmed my decision by telling me, "The worst thing you (anyone) could do is use God as a reason to close yourself off to the person who is God's gift to you."
And thank God for Elizabeth, another lady discerning religious life (I met her during the Nun Run I took part in last April.). When we were on our way to visit our nun-friends in Rogers Park (my hangout) yesterday, I told her I had a boyfriend, and she was so happy for me. She thought that was so sweet. She also said that was part of exploring my vocation. She congratulated me again before we parted ways.
I've been listening to the voice of God through other people. So far, they haven't discouraged me from getting into a relationship. So what am I afraid of or uneasy about at times? Ewan.
found herself @ 5:59 PM
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