Sexy, Innocent Child-Woman

It's a cold, slightly snowy evening in Chicago. It's the first day of my spring break and guess what, I'm in the library. I'm such a big nerd. I've turned on a new leaf ever since I moved out here, that some people are quick to label me as a "good girl"--an innocent and naive one at that. So they get shocked whenever they find out that I'm not as innocent as they think--that I smoke (occasionally), that I partied like there was no tomorrow during my college years in the Philippines, that I know what it's like to get drunk (take note, on flavored lambanog pa), that I had relationships with women...the list goes on and on.

I surfed the Internet and came across the lyrics of another favorite song of mine, "Sway" by Bic Runga. Haha, the song brings back fond memories of my crush four years ago. She was my formator (the facilitator of my immersion during my senior year of college)-turned-officemate, and I was head over heels in love with her. Of course no one knew that. There was something about her simplicity, sincerity, and social consciousness that made me fall for her. And I fell hard. She doesn't know she was the major reason why I ended up hanging out more often at the office and volunteering my services even when I was still a student. I was careful not to give myself away, so she just thought of me as a good friend, a potential best friend even. Haha, if she only knew. I was (and still am) the biggest torpe ever. I remember walking home with her for a bit after this anti-Erap gathering in Ateneo, and we parted ways shortly because I was going to the administration building (where my ride was waiting), and she was headed toward Marikina, where she lived then. After she turned her back, the song "Sway" suddenly came to mind and I started singing it as she walked away.

Around this time of the month four years ago, I found out she was pregnant with her first child (at a time when her then-boyfriend had just started working in Singapore) and I was shocked and devastated all at once, to the point that I drank a bottle of bubblegum-flavored lambanog (something I kept handy in the past) BOTTOMS UP. I got so drunk, that I ended up crawling over to my brother's room and pouring out my heart to him, and he teases me about that episode to this day. He and my cousin, who lived with us then, like to tease me about everything I said that night. In retrospect, I can't even explain why I reacted that way. I know I was definitely shocked to find out she was pregnant because she acted like a manang, and even chided me for cracking green jokes. So if there was anyone I wouldn't expect to get pregnant out of wedlock, it definitely had to be her. I was also waiting for the results of my application to the Jesuit Volunteers Philippines (JVP), and I figured, if I got accepted, I couldn't be there for her during her pregnancy and I wouldn't be around for her wedding if she got married within that year. Well, as it turned out, I didn't get accepted by JVP. I ended up working in the same office as her, and took over her immersion areas, particularly New Bilibid Prison. I was even her bridesmaid when she got married in May of 2001. Funny how things work out in the long run.

And when I started working with her, I fell out of love. I know I never liked her husband, and I had my issues about her marrying him just because she was pregnant (she claimed offhand that she had no choice). But I learned to respect her decision. I also know I still loved her, despite my many efforts to just forget about my feelings toward her, especially since she was with child and about to get married. Once, during the commute back to the office from Muntinlupa (she took me to Bilibid for the first time to introduce me to the contacts at Philippine Jesuit Prison Service and the inmates at the Maximum and Medium security compounds), she held my hand in the jeep and I felt her engagement ring digging into my palm--a painful reminder of what could never be between us. And I realized right then and there that although I thought I was over her, I just couldn't deny that I still loved her. Maybe I just learned to let go...especially since I ended up falling for another staff member in the office (who happens to be bisexual and married), although it took me some time to admit it. But that's another story. But for the life of me, I find it hard to understand why I fell in love with my ate because that's all she is to me right now--an older sister figure and a former officemate.

* * *

The song "Sway" brings back additional memories that have nothing to do with her this time around. Now it also reminds me of the times I spent in CIW during my last vacation in the Philippines. During several of my visits to CIW, some inmates were passing time by doing karaoke and "Sway" was one of their favorites (next to "Totoy Bibo"). For some reason, I thought most of them would go for Tagalog hits or at least mainstream English lovesongs, but who would have thought some of the ladies and I shared similar tastes in music?

Wala lang.