Sexy, Innocent Child-Woman

"Nanay-nanayan"

Funny, one of my friends greeted me "Happy Mother's Day" this afternoon. Kahit wala daw akong anak, "nanay" pa rin daw ako. Upon reflecting on what she said, I realized it made sense because although I don't have any children, I do have a daughter in spirit. Her name is Nina, and I've known her since she was a baby. She lived in CRIBS Philippines, an institution for abandoned babies and survivors of sexual abuse, at that time and I volunteered there through TUGON, an organization I belonged to when I was in college. I took care of Nina for about four years, even after I graduated, and up until the time she was adopted by an American family. She gave me a taste of motherhood. She's nine years old now, but I still consider her my baby to this day.

I still remember Nina's discharge from CRIBS as if it were yesterday, even if almost four years have passed since then. I had just returned to Manila from Sorsogon, where I attended the wake and burial of a dear friend (one of my bading friends I call "mama"), when I found out (through text messages sent by some friends from TUGON and a staff member of CRIBS) that Nina would be discharged the following day. God. Just another emotionally draining moment in my life. I don't know how I got through that period. I just remember rushing to CRIBS that day (running on four hours of sleep), giving the couple a ride to the hospital for Nina's checkup, and going back to CRIBS the following day for Nina's despedida party. Of course, I was happy to know she had a better life ahead, since it's not everyday that a family here, with four biological children at that, decides to adopt a five-year-old girl who could barely speak due to cerebral palsy. Had she stayed at CRIBS longer, the staff might have had to transfer her to an institution, as they did with someone Nina grew up with. But I also knew I would miss her. For years, I kept preparing myself for the time when she would leave CRIBS and I cried just imagining what it would be like to say goodbye to her. But when the date of her discharge rolled around--August 1, 2001, to be exact--I knew I wasn't prepared and could never be prepared for that moment of letting go of a child I loved so much, a child I loved as my own. I kept fighting back the tears throughout her despedida. Part of me was also really numb. It wasn't until I left CRIBS and returned to work that I broke down and cried.

Who would have thought I would get in touch with Nina's parents several months later and see my baby again? I ended up coming here (on vacation and to try looking for work, per my mom's farfetched ideas) during the last week of August of 2001. I copied Nina's parents' address from the logbook of CRIBS, but I lost it. It wasn't until late November of that year that a close friend forwarded the address once and for all. It turned out that Nina's parents lived in Indiana. I was staying with relatives in Chicago then. I wondered if Nina's parents would care to keep in touch with me pero kinapalan ko na lang ang mukha ko at sinulatan ko sila. Her dad got back to me and told me they would be in Chicago for a day, and invited me to meet up with them. So we got together for lunch at the Chicago Rib House (Whenever I pass by that place, it always makes me smile because of the memories associated with it.). The funny thing is, Nina's dad arranged for me to come by as a surprise for Nina's mom. And she said that was her best Christmas gift. How sweet. =) And here's the best part: Nina remembered me. When I carried her in my arms, she gave me a look I could read so well. At one point, she got off her mom's lap to sit on my lap. And when we took pictures, she copied my poses/gestures.

I'm still in touch with her family. Although Chicago and Indiana are pretty close, I don't get to see her often--once a year, if I'm lucky--because of our busy schedules. But I spent part of the holidays with them in 2002 and 2003, since I didn't go home for Christmas. I got there right in time for her birthday. Last year, I didn't get to visit them because I went home to the Philippines. But I hope to do so SOON. Nahihiya rin ako sa parents niya because they have a full house, with seven kids (four biological kids and three adopted kids), so I know things are always hectic for them. I talked to Nina's mom this afternoon and she said they'd be happy to have me. Since the kids don't get off school till the last week of May, she suggested I come in June. I can hardly wait.

Nina's mom mentioned that at their church service today, they remembered the moms of Nina and Janae (a girl they adopted from an orphanage in China) in their prayers. She told me she wondered if Nina's and Janae's mothers thought about the girls at all. She said she'll only know the answer in heaven. Wala lang.

My friend who greeted me for mother's day once told me that my having contact with Nina here was no accident: "Para sa iyo talaga siya." I agree. Whenever I look at Nina's face, I feel the presence of the Creator. It's hard to explain, but I really do feel that way, literally. Seeing Nina again in another country and getting to stay at her adoptive family's house couldn't have happened by accident. I know these events were among God's greatest gifts to me.

found herself @ 7:11 PM