A weekend with the nuns
*NOTE: I rarely write about my discernment issues, but I need to get some things off my chest, so I'm blogging about it. If this post bores you, skip it. You have been forewarned.*I hung out with my nun-friends over the weekend--something that I haven't done for the past several months. I used to spend a lot of time with them last year. Their novitiate/student's community is pretty close to where I live, so I used to visit them once or twice a month and even more frequently during the summer. Whenever I'd come back from the Philippines, I'd visit them during my first weekend back here, as a "ritual" to ease me back into my life in Chicago. But all that changed after I got back from the Philippines in mid-January.
It's hard to explain why that happened. There were circumstances beyond my control, to begin with. I didn't get to visit them the weekend after I got back from the Philippines because there was a blizzard, so I couldn't go anywhere. I got the flu the following weekend, and I had so much schoolwork to catch up on after I recovered.
On a personal level, there was a lot going on with me. I suddenly had serious issues with the life direction I've been discerning for the past four years--that is, entering the religious life. My common sense told me to face my issues squarely and to continue visiting the nuns because they had nothing to do with my issues and they'd still be my good friends and erstwhile support system here, no matter what. But just when I was about to schedule a visit, I got into a misunderstanding with one of the nuns, whom I will call Sr. MM (from India). Sr. MM, who is tactless and assumes we're close friends, called me shortly after I recovered from the flu just to scold me and lecture me about what I should do with my life. She nagged me about making more definite decisions about my discernment, like taking a leave of absence once I finish my coursework in August, or finishing with my MA instead of my Ph.D. in Sociology to enter the convent. When I told her I didn't even want to think of entering the convent yet at that time, she told me, "Then get married." (Gawd! I don't even have a boyfriend. How in the world can I get married?! And what if I don't want to get married?) Sr. MM also got on my case about my attachment to the Philippines. She insinuated that I should enter the convent here because of the shortage of vocations in the U.S. When I told her that if I ever consider the religious life, I would hypothetically enter the convent in the Philippines, she told me pointedly: "You're too attached to your country." I couldn't help but retort: "What's so bad about being attached to my country?" She quickly clarified that she didn't mean there was anything wrong about my attachment to the Philippines, but she didn't stop lecturing me. She even used herself as an example of someone who acted on her discernment at a young age and detached herself from her family and (for now) her country.
Sr. MM's remarks made me so uncomfortable. You can just imagine how rattled I was when we had that conversation. To think I haven't even completely decided on the path I want to pursue! Ayokong dinidiktahan ako, so whenever someone tries to tell me what I should do with my life and imposes their judgment/will on me, I get pissed. And when I'm pissed, wala akong sinasanto, kahit madre (hehe, Waray yata ako). So I made it clear to Sr. MM that I wasn't too happy with the way she called me just to scold and nag me (She didn't get it, though. She thought--and still thinks--I got mad at her for scolding me about something else, not the discernment piece.) And I decided to lie low on visiting them. Although the vocation and novice directress, always told me I was free to decide what to do with my life and none of the other sisters ever pressured me about making a decision soon, I suddenly felt I shouldn't visit the nuns that much so they wouldn't get any false hopes or become overfamiliar with me, as Sr. MM did. I also felt I needed space to sort out my personal issues. So before last weekend, I only visited the nuns twice--in late February and during Palm Sunday Weekend. Those visits happened on spur of the moment, and it took some persistence on their part before I agreed to visit them.
I didn't completely lose touch with the nuns, though. Sr. Dinah, a Filipina nun and a close friend of mine, kept in touch. I updated her about what was going on in my life, including my discernment. I also e-mailed the postulant directress, who checks up on me via phone and e-mail every so often. And I invited some of the nuns over when I turned 25 last month. But for some reason, I subconsciously distanced myself from them. For the past several months, I preferred to have them visit me, instead of visiting them myself. I guess part of me wanted to see how long I could live my life with minimal contact with them.
I did move on with my life. I was pretty busy with school, my thesis, work, and job/scholarship-hunting for the past couple of months, anyway, so I didn't miss the nuns that much. There were times when I would stop to reflect on the changes in my life, but I would always tell myself, "So far, my life without the nuns is okay. It's not as strange or empty as I thought it would be." So I decided to continue moving on. I even told some of my nun-friends in the Philippines, as well as a friend who once entered their congregation but left for health reasons, that my vocation flew out the window and I was no longer attracted to the religious life. I told them I wasn't closing my doors to other lifestyles, which they respected.
It took a close nun-friend's visit to Chicago to make me visit the nuns again. Sr. Xaveriana (from Indonesia), who is now assigned to Antigua, is in town at the moment. She's based in the main convent, which is hard to reach by public transportation, and she's been busy with retreats, workshops, and such, so I didn't get to see her right away. Last Friday (June 10th), just when I was about to give up on the prospect of seeing her before she goes back to Antigua on Wednesday the 15th, she e-mailed me to inform me that she was staying at the community in my neighborhood and invited me to come over the following day.
And so last Saturday (June 11th), I ended up staying at the novitiate/students' community all day. I spent the whole afternoon listening to Sr. Xaveriana's stories about Antigua and her ministry with prisoners and the elderly and just catching up with her. I also met the nuns who recently joined the community, Sr. Magda (from Indonesia) and Sr. Monica (from Argentina). I touched base with Sr. Kristina (from Indonesia), who missed me all this time. Sr. Magda and I clicked instantly, and Sr. Kristina and I bonded more than we ever did before. They told me I'd better continue visiting them even after Sr. Xaveriana leaves. I came to realize that it was unfortunate that my rift with Sr. MM and my "disappearing act" had to affect them and that it was unfair for me to take my issues out on the community. We would have become friends earlier, if I hadn't let my issues get in the way. I've been complaining about how lonesome I've been ever since Johnna left for Taiwan, without realizing that God sent other people to keep me company all this time. I was just too self-absorbed and indifferent to care. I was also paranoid for some time about the way most of the people in my circle here in Chicago happen to be nuns and what that means for me. Now, I've decided not to let that affect me. What's so bad about having a lot of friends who are nuns? They're people, too, and it just so happens that their lifestyle differs from mainstream culture. But it doesn't mean they can't be my friends.
Ironically, Sr. MM's graduation paved the way for me to spend more time with the nuns last weekend. She invited me to attend her graduation yesterday, and I said yes, since I had nothing to do that day and I had no reason to avoid her because she already knows where I'm coming from. Since we've remained civil despite our differences, ayokong palakihin 'yung issue namin. I'm glad I decided to attend her graduation. I got to hang out and bond with Sr. Xaveriana, Sr. Magda, and Sr. Kristina during the graduation ceremony. And since the sisters invited people over for lunch after Sr. M's graduation, I got to catch up with many other nun-friends I haven't seen for the longest time. It turned out several nuns would have wanted to attend my graduation, had I told them about it. Medyo nagparinig 'yung ibang madre na I graduated in secret daw. Oops. And as early as now, they've told me that they'll be there when I graduate with my Ph.D. and they'd want to throw another party/get-together just for me. Sr. Xaveriana and Sr. Magda even assured me that they'd make the trip here all the way from Antigua and Mexico, respectively (their area of assignment). Aww...how sweet. =)
On a more positive note, I feel like there was no time lost between me and my nun-friends. When I visited them, joined them for Mass, tagged along with them to one sister's renewal of vows yesterday, and just hung out with them, I felt like I hadn't been away or missing in action at all. Weird. I don't know what that means.
I'm not gonna lie. When I'm with my nun-friends, I feel like I'm one of them, in some ways. And even if I don't do anything much, I don't want to be anywhere else but in the convent. It's hard to explain, but the attraction (?) is there. I almost want to delete the words I just typed, if only to make the feeling less real, but I can't deny it. No matter where I go, God runs after me, catches up with me, and brings me back to myself--and God's heart. Time and again, God has shown me how faithful S/He is. Ayokong magsalita nang patapos and I know I have so many fears and concerns right now, but I have a sneaking suspicion that J.C. will win me over in His time and place...in spite of my unworthiness.
found herself @ 10:22 PM
4 Comments:
feeling ko talaga magiging madre ka. seryoso.
talaga?
hehe then again masyado akong maldita para sa kumbento. masyado rin akong layas.
siguro nga pero kahit naman sa bible, pasaway yung mga tao, naging santo pa. daba? ;)
hehe =) may punto ka, rina. hay...kukuwentuhan na lang kita pag-uwi ko. kita-kits sa december!
*mwah*
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