Sexy, Innocent Child-Woman

Ma-drama lang

Sr. M is leaving Ethiopia in less than a month. She has a permanent appointment there, so she'll only go home to the Philippines every three years. Since I have no idea where I'll be in three years, I don't know if I'll ever see her again. It's bloody hard to get a visa to go to Ethiopia. And if I'm still based here in 2008, I might be here pag bakasyon niya. Suwerte na lang kung mag-abot kami pag nagbakasyon kami pareho sa Pilipinas. But I don't want to expect anything. Mahirap na, baka lalo lang akong masaktan. I've learned to let go of all my expectations about our friendship over the past couple of months. Now, I'm just taking it as it comes

The misunderstanding we had in December of 2004 taught me to let go. It also set the tone for our friendship (In a previous entry in February of 2005, I mentioned that I got into a fight with a nun-friend. Siya 'yon. Medyo nagkasagutan kami sa e-mail n'ung February. We're friends now, but things were kinda awkward between us for some time).

I only found out about Sr. M's departure when I received an e-mail from her last Monday. She mentioned that she was leaving for her hometown soon, so I called the convent last night. She was out, so I woke up early to call her again. Luckily, she was there. It turned out she was waiting for my call at that time. We talked before I left for work and this time, our conversation wasn't as awkward or tension-filled as it was when I called her on her birthday last April. We talked as if we never had that major misunderstanding that caused a rift in our friendship.

I'm glad I called her and I enjoyed talking to her this morning. I actually had second thoughts about calling her because after our fight, the dynamics of our friendship really changed, and we lost touch. I didn't call her as much as I did before and it's hard to explain why. For one, I just felt so alienated/ estranged from her, so I didn't feel like calling her. I didn't want to call her out of a sense of obligation and I didn't want to be a hypocrite, either. I guess I needed time and space to heal from what she did to hurt me. For another, I also got very busy, as most of my entries over the past couple of months can attest to. So time just passed me by.

It turned out she missed my calls. She's not really expressive and she can be very insensitive as a friend, so I had no idea that she was waiting for me to call her over the past couple of months until she blurted out that she once told Sr. J (who she used to live with in their community in Laoag) that I hadn't called her the longest time: "Si Diane, dati, 'pag naaalala ko bigla, tumatawag agad. Ngayon, hindi na. Mahina yata ang hatak ng Espiritu sa ngayon." (Of course she made the latter statement in jest. When she, our common friend, Ate Sharl, and I used to call each other at a time when it was most needed, she used to say: "Ang lakas talaga ng Espiritu.") She told me several times that I'd been so quiet over the past couple of months. Haha, na-miss rin pala ako n'un.

I was touched when she told me that in terms of what she's going through as her departure date approaches, I would understand her best.

I have mixed feelings about her trip. I'm happy and relieved for her because she has always wanted to serve in Ethiopia, and the processing of her papers caused her such stress. But I know I will miss her terribly. Our past misunderstandings and fights and all the times she hurt me will never change that. I know it will be strange for me to go home this December without her around.

Actually, that was something I anticipated the last time I went home. Ever since she found out about her permanent appointment in Ethiopia in April of 2004, I was prepared to go home and find that she was no longer there. When I went to the Philippines last December, intuition told me that she wouldn't be there during my next visit and that I wouldn't be seeing her for a long time. That's why I really wanted to see her and spend quality time with her. We met up two days after I arrived in Manila because I tagged along with her when she claimed her passport. We also saw each other in Tarlac that weekend because the nuns invited us to the Christmas party for the Aetas they work with. But we hardly got to talk. I was supposed to visit her in Laoag a week or so before I came back here--something we even agreed upon several months before my flight--but she suddenly canceled on me, reasoning that she was busy. She told me I could no longer visit her when we were in Tarlac--right before we were about to climb a mountain to visit one of the Aeta mission areas and about five hours before I was about to go back to Manila (in order to catch a flight to Tacloban the following day).

I understood her busy schedule because I knew that was beyond her control, but what I didn't understand was the way she didn't talk to me the rest of the afternoon. She knew that might be the last time we'd see each other, at least for the next three years, but she just suddenly became aloof and practically ignored me. Minadali pa kaming bumaba ng bundok. Even the driver of the sisters and the community organizer I was with were surprised that Sr. M treated me that way. The driver said he didn't mind hanging out at the mountain, just as long as we could talk, so when we left the place, he assumed that we had been able to talk. He was shocked when I revealed otherwise. The community organizer assumed that I would still be visiting Sr. M in Laoag, and she felt so responsible and even guilty when I told her about the change of plans kasi pwede naman daw silang magkita o mag-usap at another time, samantalang bilang ang araw ko sa Pilipinas. I had to reassure her that it wasn't her fault.

I just felt so low (like I was two inches tall), taken for granted, hurt, and just plain crappy that afternoon. The incident also reminded me of another experience with Sr. M in the recent past that caused me a lot of pain and made me wonder if I should stay friends with her. The driver and the community organizer saw me cry my eyes out as we drove away from the mountains. I cried until I got to Capas, where I boarded a bus bound for Manila. I cried on and off during the trip to Manila, and when I told my sisters Chinggay and Honey about what happened as soon as I got home. I cried while thinking about the incident and while emoting to my cousin Madelle in Tacloban. Of all my friends, only Sr. M has hurt me that much and made me cry.

The last time we saw each other, I was hoping to say a decent goodbye to Sr. M and get some closure, but she did something to hurt me, so when we parted ways, I was mad at her. It wasn't a good parting at all. I e-mailed her shortly after the incident to let her know how hurt I was. She got really defensive at first and she wasn't sorry for what she did AT ALL, to the point of blaming everything on me. She also didn't think she was leaving yet, so she didn't understand why I was making such a big deal about things. Well, she knows where I'm coming from now. It turned out I was right.

A lot has happened over the past couple of months. I've moved on with my life, and I've gotten busy with the grind of school and work. She got busy with school, practice teaching, and the errands, seminars, and certification exams she had to attend prior to her trip. We've patched things up, but it's been gradual. I struggled with our friendship, especially since I just got so fed up with the way I've always had to make an effort for her and understand/put up with her when she happens to be nine years older than me. She has apologized for the incident and owned up to her shortcomings. I've come to realize that she still means a lot to me, and I told her I didn't want our friendship to end just because I couldn't move on past our misunderstandings. She asked me to write her whenever I have the chance, but got too busy to reply when I did e-mail her. She expected me to call her from time to time, but I got too busy and was bogged down by mixed feelings, a sense of alientation or apathy, so I called her sporadically.

Part of me feels guilty about not calling her that much over the past couple of months, but I also feel I shouldn't beat myself up over it. I know I needed time and space to grieve over the hurt and to even allow myself to get mad at her. And if I had continued to call her frequently out of habit or a sense of obligation, it wouldn't have resolved anything. I wouldn't have moved on.

Sr. M is leaving in less than a month. I plan to call her this weekend while she's on vacation, and maybe I'll call her a couple of times right before she leaves. I wonder if that will make a difference, but I suppose it won't hurt to try. After all, who knows if I can call her in Ethiopia? I'd feel more guilty if I don't make an effort to be there for her while I can still do that just because I let my pride get in the way. And I know regret always comes in the end.

found herself @ 1:05 PM