Just brooding--Part II
[I don't know why I'm writing about this. I guess I just want to get things off my chest without being a total biatch about it. As sis Ethel said, kinahanglang mag-binuotan...wadon ang kaisog! Haha =) Ayan sis, ha, sinusunod ko payo mo.]Sr. M is now in Ethiopia. I don't know when she left, but she e-mailed me (and her other friends) today to inform us that she arrived there safely. Actually, I was surprised to find out that she was already there because the last time I talked to her (Tuesday the 13th, early in the morning), she was still waiting for the Ethiopian embassy to fax her visa. She was supposed to leave on September 14th, but they had to rebook her flight because of the delays with her visa. I asked her to e-mail me and keep me posted about the status of her visa, and she said she'd do that, but I guess she got really, really busy. Before I received her e-mail this morning, I'd been thinking about her over the past couple of days and checking my e-mail religiously just to see whether I had a note from her. I wanted to call her in the Philippines one last time and I was just waiting for her go-signal--that is, for her to e-mail me while she was still there. In fact, the last time we talked, we didn't really say goodbye to each other. It was more along the lines of: "Keep me posted. Talk to you later."
I actually miss her. In fact, I miss her more. I know it doesn't really make a difference where she is kasi nasa magkabilaang dulo pa rin kami ng mundo, regardless, but maybe it does matter, somehow. I don't know if I can call her at her current location so that's one obvious change I'll have to get used to. The last time I talked to her, we were able to clarify an issue that nearly triggered another misunderstanding between us, and I was able to rest my case. So we were on better terms than we were over the past couple of months. God knows we haven't had a decent conversation for the longest time. Corny as it may sound, I miss that. I miss the times when we could talk without me getting upset over some tactless remark she'd make and "bitching" her out as needed. Nakakalungkot lang kasi kung kelan mas okay na talaga kami, paalis na siya at Diyos na lang ang nakakaalam kung may contact pa ba kami.
I guess Sr. M and I really do have a love-hate relationship, as several friends have pointed out. Even after we started talking to each other again (after getting into a misunderstanding last December), I tended to keep her at a distance, and it felt so AWKWARD to even call or e-mail her. I have to admit I really struggled with our friendship because the fight we had brought back bad memories of another major misunderstanding we had before I came to this country in 2002. Part of me was bitter because our patching things up didn't change the fact that she wouldn't be in the Philippines anymore when I go home for Christmas--which was why I really grieved over the incident that triggered our fight. And I just struggled with that. It wasn't until she told me her work permit to Ethiopia had been approved that I started calling her again. We talked like we used to, but there were times when we got into minor/petty misunderstandings over the phone and I realized that in a lot of ways, the damage had been done. It has been said that friendship is like glass. Once it gets broken, you can try to put back the pieces together, but it won't be the same. In our case, after our fight, she couldn't even make offhand remarks or jokes without making me feel irritated, uncomfortable, or paranoid about what she really meant. I used to tell myself I wouldn't call her anymore once she left for Ethiopia. Pero ngayon, mukhang di ko siya matiis. If I could call her wherever she is now, I'd do that.
Looking back, I've come to realize mali rin naman ako. I got so fed up with having to be the bigger person and understand her all the time. Tao lang naman ako. There are times when I can only take so much, especially from someone who's supposed to be my friend. But wo wrongs don't make a right. When I don't make an effort to move on from past misunderstandings, I'm equally guilty if the friendship falls apart. When I give up on someone, I lose out on what could have been a better relationship.
All I can do is trust that time heals all wounds. Someday, everything will be all right and nothing will ever hurt...in God's time and place. When I replied to Sr. M's e-mail, I told her I wished her all the blessings she needed on her new journey. For now, let my love and prayers be with her.
found herself @ 11:54 AM
2 Comments:
hahaha..bitaw sis, kay ang cybox ba mahadlok ra ba sa imoha kung mangisog ka!
Ethel: hahahahahah =) sige ko'g tawa diri. ayo-ayo sis!
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