Letting Go--Part II
"Guardian, guide, no pillar of cloud by day nor fire by night,
Yet I sense your presence with me, God of the journey.
You are walking with me into a new land.
You are guarding me in my vulnerable moment.
You are dwelling within me as I depart from here.
You are promising to be my peace as I face the struggles
of distance from friends and security,
the planting of feet and heart in a strange place.
Renew in me a deep trust in you. Calm my anxiousness.
As I reflect on my life I can clearly see
how you have been there in all of my leavings,
You have been there in all of my comings.
You will always be with me in everything.
I do not know how I am being resettled,
but I place my life into the welcoming arms of your love.
Encircle my heart with your peace.
May your powerful presence run like a strong thread
through the fibers of my being. Amen."
--Joyce Rupp, Praying Our Goodbyes
Yet I sense your presence with me, God of the journey.
You are walking with me into a new land.
You are guarding me in my vulnerable moment.
You are dwelling within me as I depart from here.
You are promising to be my peace as I face the struggles
of distance from friends and security,
the planting of feet and heart in a strange place.
Renew in me a deep trust in you. Calm my anxiousness.
As I reflect on my life I can clearly see
how you have been there in all of my leavings,
You have been there in all of my comings.
You will always be with me in everything.
I do not know how I am being resettled,
but I place my life into the welcoming arms of your love.
Encircle my heart with your peace.
May your powerful presence run like a strong thread
through the fibers of my being. Amen."
--Joyce Rupp, Praying Our Goodbyes
I said this prayer, dubbed a "Prayer of One Who Is Moving On," for a close friend in the Philippines before she entered a missionary congregation almost three years ago. Since I was already based in Chicago at that time, I was unable to say goodbye to her in person. So I stacked up on phonecards and stayed up till the wee hours of the morning to call her right before she left for the convent in Manila. We talked about how she spent her last couple of days as a secular person, how her family (especially her father) was taking her decision to become a nun, and how she felt about the new life that awaited her. We talked even as she was changing into "nun-like" clothing (read: a modest blouse and skirt) and making sure her belongings were in place before her sisters took her to the convent. Before we hung up, I told her I wanted to say a prayer for her--and with her. That was my way of giving her my "blessing" before she began her journey. I recited the aforementioned prayer over the phone, and she repeated each line after me in the silence of her heart. She asked me to stay awake for the next hour or so and join her in prayer during her entrance ceremony at the convent: "Samahan mo ako (Go with me)." My phonecard ran out shortly after I said yes.
I said the same prayer just three days ago. This time, it was for a close friend here in the United States, who was about to enter a contemplative religious order. She had kept me informed about the developments in her discernment since the early days of our friendship, and had even asked me to write a recommendation letter on her behalf for her application to the religious life. However, I hadn't heard from her at all for the past three months. I only found out about her acceptance into the monastery the day before her scheduled entrance date. She had called and left a message on the night of November 19th, informing me that she had received a grant to pay off her student loans on November 17th, for which she could enter the religious life unencumbered on November 21st. I was asleep when she called, so I only got her message the next day--less than 24 hours before she entered the monastery. My only recourse was to say goodbye over the phone. We talked for a bit on Sunday the 20th, and left messages after missing each other's calls later in the evening. I called her for the last time the next day, half an hour before our common nun-friend drove her to the monastery in Farmington Hills, Michigan, where she would undergo formation for the next four years before transferring to her community's monastery in Langley, British Columbia.
I knew she was at peace. Despite her sudden uncertainty, she knew where she was headed. We promised to write and pray for each other. We thanked each other for the gift of friendship. Finally, the moment of separation came. I pulled out my copy of Joyce Rupp's Praying Our Goodbyes, and leafed through the pages until I found the invaluable "Prayer of One Who Is Moving On." I read each line slowly, letting each word touch my soul, and she followed along in the silence of her heart. In the middle of the prayer, I heard her sniffling, and I started crying, too. Both of us were crying when we said goodbye.
Before we hung up, we promised to be united in our prayers. I told her that whenever she would gaze at the Blessed Sacrament in the monastery, I would be with her in spirit. And she assured me that whenever I would spend time adoring Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament--be it here, in the Philippines, or wherever I end up in--she would be with me. In prayer, we would always be together, just like the good old days, when we would just sit or kneel before Him, side by side, in silence.
Now, I have embraced the same prayer as my own. It will be my prayer in the days, weeks, and months to come, a source of strength and healing amidst my grief and loneliness.
***
If it means anything, my dear friend and I parted ways without any misunderstandings or unresolved issues. We both know that we will remain friends no matter what, and that we will always be together in prayer and in spirit. Despite my deep sadness, I have every reason to be thankful. I am thankful for her friendship, her gentle presence in my life, her prayers, and even our past misunderstandings and our last conversation, which was heartbreaking and meaningful at the same time.
And I am thankful for the love and support of my friends and family members, who have been there for me and with me in my pain. I sincerely thank the following people: Sr. Dinah, JP, JoEl, Jessie, Mama, Ate Anna, Ate Sharl, Sr. Kathi; and of course, my online friends who have likewise reached out to me and offered listening ears, advice, kind words, prayers, and simply the gift of presence--Peanut, Ate Ghee (Ame.Sweet), Nang Ethel, Fay, Amgine, Ghie, Ella, and you, my compassionate reader/s. Because of you, I know God never left me alone and empty-handed.
I may cry every once in a while and grieve for some time, but this too shall pass. Somehow, I know everything will be all right.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! God bless us all.
found herself @ 5:09 PM
14 Comments:
Na iyak naman ako D! Wag kang mag alala, I'm always here kong kailangan mo ng taong makakausap, alam mo na ang ym ko so leave me a message anytime if I'm not online ok?
God bless!
Ghie: Uy thanks, sis. Touched naman ako. Pasensya na, naiyak ka pa tuloy. Thank you for being there. God bless rin. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.
Yes,Di!!
Everything will be allright...you can say that again...smile(^_^)
This prayer can really touch someone`s heart..Keep on praying..,keep on believing..,The Lord won`t let us down...
I also let go of myself by crying the pain in my chest.There`s nothing wrong with that...To feel glorious afterwards..
BTW,thanx for mentioning me here..wow!I am surprised and delighted!!
One more thing...Di,dont EVER enter the gate..you know..:D
ame.sweet(ghee)
Ate Ghee: Yup. Life goes on. Dinadaan ko na lang sa dasal.
Hehe siyempre na-special mention ka. You helped keep me sane over the past couple of days. Thanks so much for listening to me and cheering me up.
As for the thought of "entering the gate" (hehe, gets ko), don't worry, wala akong balak! Di ako tatanggapin doon. Baka mag-ober da bakod lang ako nang di oras.
Ingat ka, sis. Luv yah!
Hi Di,
Hey! keep it smile.,,meet another friends there for conversation and laughter, hwag kanang malungkot jan, cge ka masira beauty mo.
God created you for companionship and your life filled with friends to cheer you when your discouraged and humor you when you need a laugh :)
Smile..smile...remember when you struggle with painful feelings, be confident that God walks with you through every experience.
Muaahh..God Bless You! my dearest friend!
basta smile kana jan!
Happy weekend Di.
Hi Nang Ethel! Thank you for your advice. Ayan, nakangiti na ako. Natawa ako sa message mo sa tagboard ko--oo nga naman baka bumaba ang tagboard ko, maninibago pag depressed ang beauty ko, haha :)
You're right, God walks with me (and you and everyone else) through every experience. I'm so blessed to have friends like you who give me a reason to smile even as I struggle.
God bless you rin, my dearest friend and sister. Don't worry, I'll be okay. Happy weekend rin. *mwah*
i know how it feels...
when one of my closest friend officially entered the convent, we witnessed her walk down the aisle to the altar to receive her necklace signifying her vow. we couldnt really put words why we were exactly crying, although we were all happy for her.
we recently saw her before she left for her community work and when we parted ways (God only knows when we will see her again), we know that she is happy.
~~~
Cristina G: Thank you for sharing your experience. You just helped me realize some things about myself. Tulad mo, hindi ko rin maintindihan kung bakit ako nag-iiiyak noon kahit masaya naman ako para sa kaibigan ko. But I guess that's normal.
Ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng kaibigan na nagmongha kaya nangangapa ako sa sitwasyon ko ngayon ('Yung isang kaibigan ko na nagmadre dati, pumasok sa isang "active" na order. Mahigpit rin doon pero hindi naman kasinghigpit ng monasteryo.) Hindi ko alam kung anong magiging reaksyon ko kapag binisita ko ang kaibigan ko sa monasteryo tapos meron nang "counter" sa pagitan namin. Makikita ko pa naman daw ang mukha niya at walang grille o glass window na nakaharang sa amin. Basta, ang importante, masaya siya.
Oops, napakuwento tuloy ako. Salamat ulit sa comment mo. Ingat!
be happy and pray for her journey.
keep smiling.
Kadyo: Waaah, naiyak ako bigla habang binabasa ko ang comment niyo. =( Tama po kayo. The prayer was the least I could do, given the situation.
By the way, thank you for the very touching text message/s you sent me today. Salamat po sa dasal.
Mommy Lei: Opo. I will do that. Thanks for your advice.
kung doon siya masaya, dapat masaya ka rin! at kung masaya ka, masaya rin kami. hay.....ano ba yan! magpakasaya na lang tayo dahil malapit na pasko kahit malungkot sa amin dahil malayo kay P.I.
keep smiling.....keep shinning.....
Mommy Neng: Opo! Tama po kayo. Sige po, magpapakasaya na po ako para masaya na rin kayo. Hehe :)
Ayan nakangiti na ako. :) Tama na ang pag-eemote...ingatan ang beauty (ayon kay Nang Ethel).
Ingat po kayo!
Gah! I wish I understood Filipino or whatever language it is you all switch in an out of on here! ;-)
Natty: Oops, sorry dear. I can translate everything from Tagalog to English if you want me to. (Or maybe those who left comments here can do that,too. *wink.*)
Feel free to leave a comment anytime. Take care!
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