Letting Go
"We were having dinner when [s]he told me
that [s]he would be leaving for the monastery.
My jaw fell...S[H]e wanted to know
if [s]he could stay there, perhaps forever.
I was laughing, and then
just as suddenly, the tears fell...
[S]He is not yet very sure about the calling,
but now [s]he is calm, even happy."
--Danton Remoto, My Friend, The Monk
that [s]he would be leaving for the monastery.
My jaw fell...S[H]e wanted to know
if [s]he could stay there, perhaps forever.
I was laughing, and then
just as suddenly, the tears fell...
[S]He is not yet very sure about the calling,
but now [s]he is calm, even happy."
--Danton Remoto, My Friend, The Monk
Ever since you told me about your plans to venture into the new place to which your soul-searching had led you, I gradually prepared myself for the time when I would have to let go of you completely. It wasn't easy for me. The twists and turns in your discernment threw me off, especially since I had come to know and love the congregation that had journeyed with you over the past three years or so. But I never doubted the innermost stirrings of your heart and your deep faith and devotion to Him. And so I trusted you and respected your decision, even if I anticipated the additional sacrifices and greater restrictions it would entail. I told myself I would never get in the way of your heart's desire...and His great plans for you.
Yesterday, you responded to the call to a life of prayer, penance, adoration, and yes, hiddenness. I admire the way you freely and selflessly gave everything up to follow Him. I only found out about your plans less than 24 hours before you left. So when I said goodbye to you over the phone yesterday morning, I was wrestling with mixed emotions--shock, denial, sorrow, regret, emptiness. I had to fight off the urge to think of what might have been--that is, what might have happened if I had found out about your plans earlier. I know I would have taken the first train out of Chicago to say goodbye to you in person, to hug and kiss you one last time (without worrying about any sort of partition). But maybe your sudden departure happened for a reason. Maybe it would have been more painful to see you go. I may not know why things happened the way they did, but I trust that everything will eventually make sense. All I know is that our God will guide us in this time of transition and comfort us through the storms of life. I've also realized that there is strength in letting go.
So this is what it's like, now that you're gone, now that you've moved on to another stage of your journey. I was not totally prepared for that, and perhaps I would never have been completely ready. I never thought it would hurt so much. Because you only lived here for a year, I got used to not seeing or having you around that much. But it still feels strange to know that you are where you are right now. I have yet to comprehend the fact that I will only be able to see you twice a year (if at all), with some restrictions.
I know that deep inside, I'm happy for you because you're in the place where God has led you to, where you can enjoy life to the full. I also trust that we'll be one in prayer. But even as I accompany you with my prayers, I miss you terribly. Words can't even express how I feel right now. I feel so empty, as though someone dear to me--or a part of me--just died. I know my life will go on, but for now, I have to give myself some time to grieve.
(The photograph was retrieved from the website of the Monastery of the Angels, a cloistered Dominican community.)
found herself @ 8:59 PM
6 Comments:
Hi Di, im keeping you in my prayers, feel ko ang nararamdaman mo ngayon :( but hey! cheer up! she's there..im sure tama at masaya sya sa naging desisyon nya :) yeah?!
Our spiritual life cannot be measured by success as the world measures it, but only by what God pours through us— and we cannot measure that at all.
And im sure she will never forget you :) God Bless You!
And i hope madalaw mo sya o sulat man lang diba? o hwag ka ng malungkot jan. luv yah! muaahh
Hi Nang Ethel! Naiyak naman ako sa comment mo. Salamat talaga sa dasal, advice, at sa pakikinig mo lang sa akin. Malaking bagay sa akin 'yon. Tama ka, masaya siya sa desisyon niya at pinag-isipan niya talagang mabuti iyon. At hindi ko kukuwestiyonin ang gusto ng Diyos. Sabi mo nga, our spiritual life can only be measured by what God pours through us--and that's something we cannot measure.
Yup, susulatan ko siya at dadalawin ko na rin 'pag pwede na. We'll always be friends no matter what.
Salamat talaga. I feel so much better now. Love you rin! *HUGS* *mwah!*
Hi,Di!!
Uuyy..pwede na ko magcomment?yey!!
well,its really hard to let go..,or say goodbye..
But I`m pretty sure that your friend is happy now,
or even happier than before...so,u must feel great for her sake,too...
Life is a journey..too long,too rough..,and sometime,we have to stop to refill our gas tank...
though,we might enjoy the travel,laugh out loud w/some companies,or by ourselves thru our own hearts...but,we are not totally alone,arent we?THAT we shouldnt forget...
Its hard to let go..,but one thing is for sure..,friendliness isnt be measured by distance..
smile and be cool,Di!!
Malapit na tayong umuwi sa Pinas!!hurrayyy!!
ame.sweet
it must have been really hard for you. ***hugs***
D wag masyadong malungkot, smile ka naman..
Happy Thanksgiving!
Ame.Sweet: You're right. I know she's happy and at peace where she is right now. And she wouldn't want me to be sad. Lilipas rin itong nararamdaman ko. I offered everything to God. You're right--we're still friends despite the distance between us. And even with the transitions we're going through, we'll always be part of each other's lives. No one can take that away from me.
Thanks so much for your advice and for just listening to me. I know you helped keep me sane. Thanks, sis. Luv yah!
Amgine: Yes, dear. I'm just taking it easy for now. Thanks for the hug! I felt it...and I needed that. Ingat!
Ghie: Thanks. Opo...ito nakangiti na. Happy Thanksgiving rin.
Post a Comment
<< Home