Sexy, Innocent Child-Woman

My (Uneventful) Halloween

I stayed with some family friends in Waukegan, IL over the weekend. It was a sudden trip, but it worked out perfectly. I didn't get to use the computer that much but it felt so good to just hang out and watch DVDs and The Filipino Channel (TFC) with them. Sometimes I have to remind myself that there is more to life than blogging, and that my world does not revolve around my computer.

I didn't go home till Sunday afternoon, so I was there when the "trick-or-treaters" arrived. It was fun handing out candy to the kids. And that was my Halloween.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

found herself @ 5:27 PM 4 comments

Illuminations

found herself @ 2:09 PM 3 comments

Siyete

Moving right along...

I got this tag from Dons a long time ago but I didn't get to answer it till today (for obvious reasons). Sorry for the delay, Dons!

Seven things you like the most:

1. Volunteer work (especially at the Holy Spirit Aeta Mission and CIW)
2. Hiking and mountain climbing
3. Hanging out and gallivanting with my friends
4. Telebabad
5. Blogging/chatting
6. Out of town trips
7. Going home to the Philippines

Seven important things in your bedroom:

1. My altar
2. My eyeglasses
3. My cell phone
4. My laptop (and flash drive)
5. My journal
6. My books
7. My passport

Seven random facts about you:

1. I can't sleep without the covers over my head.
2. I haven't smoked for about a month, but I keep my cigarettes in the refrigerator (para hindi maging stale, haha).
3. I love to travel and I enjoy road trips.
4. I hate shopping (except when it comes to books, my ultimate weakness).
5. I love taking pictures (pictures of scenery, in particular).
6. I'm an intuitive person.
7. I'm supposed to be preparing for my first special fields exam but what am I doing? Blogging as usual.

Seven things you plan to do before you die:

1. Get my Ph.D in sociology!!!
2. Help put up a halfway house for women ex-offenders in the Philippines.
3. Write a book about women in prison (especially those on death row).
4. Travel the world (must visit Antigua!!!).
5. Do social development work anywhere in Africa or the Carribbean.
6. Study photography and/or creative writing and/or theology.
7. Make a difference in this world.

Seven things you can do:

1. Write.
2. Make friends with people from different walks of life.
3. Send a text message while talking to someone face-to-face (without looking at my phone).
4. Adjust to whatever situation or environment I'm in.
5. Live in the mountains, without running water and electricity, and still enjoy myself.
6. Stick up for the people I care for.
7. Stand up for what I believe in and argue my case well so...delikado akong kaaway, haha =)

Seven things you can't do:

1. Cook.
2. Put on makeup everyday.
3. Wear jewelry on a daily basis.
4. Shop for hours without end.
5. Wear pointy shoes.
6. Brainwash other people.
7. Let people hear what they want to hear or let them think they're right, especially when I know they're wrong.

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:

1. Spirituality.
2. Sense of humor.
3. Simplicity.
4. Intelligence.
5. Physical features.
6. Honesty and integrity.
7. The ability to accept me as I am.

Seven things you say the most and are known for saying:

1. Wala lang!
2. Hay naku!
3. Sus ginoo!
4. Shit (or any of its variants: syet, shyet, shieet, and/or shet).
5. Pastilan!
6. Hagi! (Waray for "Ano ba yan?!")
7. P$%@#& I$%! ('pag galit ako)


Seven celeb crushes (whether local or foreign):

1. Raymond Bagatsing
2. Rio Locsin
3. Angelina Jolie
4. Tobey Maguire
5. Barbie Almalbis
6. Charlize Theron
7. Raymond Bagatsing pa rin *swoon*

Seven people you want to torture to take this quiz:

1. Nang Ethel
2. Raquel
3. Ghie
4. Ayeza
5. Lady White Spirit
6. Pau
7. Kahit sino, okay lang.

found herself @ 10:55 PM 13 comments

"The Badge of Courage"

Responsibility for one's actions is always a mark of courage. It is never easy to stand up for one's convictions and to own up to one's actions, as well as mistakes, and the consequences thereof. For in so doing, one becomes vulnerable to misinterpretation, criticism, and intrigue.

***

To Darlene, I appreciate your coming forward as the real Karen who once appeared in my blog. I admit I really underestimated your capabilities and passed judgment on you prematurely, for better or worse. In terms of my dealings with you, I should have known better from the start, period.

***

To those who are aware of the issue that recently rocked the Pinoy blogosphere...do you want to "move on?" Kung ganoon, huwag na huwag kayong pumunta dito. Hehe, reverse psychology po ba 'yung tawag doon? Ewan. Basta...kayo na ang humusga kung makatotohanan ba ang nakalahad dito. That's all I can say.

End of story.

found herself @ 10:04 AM 4 comments

Weekend Reflections

I have been pretty quiet ever since the opening of the "can of worms" in the comments box of my previous post, and with good reason. I believe it is important to think before you act, as much as possible--and I've learned this lesson the hard way in this lifetime. I also tend to examine any issue from different angles or perspectives before formulating my position. In the meantime, I've been lurking around people's blogs and cyberspace at large this past week. However, it's about time for me to say my piece--before this post becomes as good as confetti.

Over the past week or so, the blogosphere has witnessed the exchange of allegations and rebuttals concerning the person/s of Nao and Mildred, with each side presenting evidence to support its claims. For the benefit of those who may not know about the dispute at hand, suffice it to say that the issue relates to: 1) whether or not Nao and Mildred are one and the same person; 2) whether or not Naomi uses Mildred as a front to provoke or even antagonize other bloggers, while purporting to play the role of a mediator on occasion; and 3) whether or not Mildred leaves rude and offensive comments in other people's blogs on her own accord, even if Nao herself disapproves of such. The evidence put forth and/or contested by either party includes: 1) the identical IP addresses used by Nao and Mildred in the comments they left on different days and times, even in a particular instance when it can be deduced that they were not together; 2) information regarding their whereabouts at the time of their blogging and even Naomi's "high-tech" internet connection; and 3) loopholes in particular comments made--for instance, Mildred's comment in Ghie's blog about how much she "misses" her dad, who happens to be alive, which was later explained as a way of humoring ("nagpapatawa" daw) or lightening a serious atmosphere:


I do not wish to elaborate on all the arguments and counter-arguments that have been made, at the risk of participating in a witch hunt in the blogosphere. I just want to express some of my thoughts on the matter--and if this post offends your sensibilities, you are free to skip this entry. I'm sure both sides can learn from what I have realized, given the turn of events:

1. When you lie, you believe in your own bullshit.

When you fabricate untruths, you end up believing in all the stories you make up. You may get away with it once, twice, or several times, but sooner or later, your lies will come back to haunt you. Nothing in this world remains hidden indefinitely.

2. "The truth shall set you free."

If you have a clear conscience, you have nothing to hide. And if you have nothing to hide, there is no need to spew out one defensive response after another or brag about what you have--especially if what you say has no bearing on the original issue or contention at hand--or engage in personal attacks, mudslinging, and name-calling. Para sa iyo, Mildred, I just want you to know that I read all your nasty messages to Ethel in your tagboard and in Marghil's blog. Ethel never said anything about your background. You volunteered the information yourself, and even dragged her husband into the issue. What does it say about you?

At para naman sa iyo, Nao, even with your post about your fancy, high tech "dog" and your internet connection, as well as the cost of everything, there are still some questions that remain unanswered. Granted, you don't blog in the hospital and you bring your laptop with you and can use the internet wherever you go. You mentioned you and Mildred are always together, to the point of blogging together using your laptop. Your point is well taken. Now the question is, why did your IP address appear in Mildred's comment on Ethel's blog at a time when it could be inferred that you weren't together? Matutulog na nga daw si Mildred kasi galing kayo sa 12-hour shift. Boarder niyo ba si Mildred? Or did she just happen to take your "dog" home with her that day? Does she access the internet through your network, even when you're not together physically? Or is this another instance of your "ghostwriting" for her? Maybe you could shed light on the mentioned discrepancy. Also, why do you and Mildred tell each other, "Miss you na," or something to that effect in the comments you exchange when you see each other all the time and you even blog together? Ganyan lang ba talaga kayo ka-close?

By the way, there is a difference between opting not to dignify other people's allegations and beating around the bush.

3. Curiosity is part of human nature.

Para sa iyo, Mildred, I admit I viewed your Friendster webpage. Is that a crime? You were in my friend's extended network. I also admit that your comment about how Darlene tracked your Friendster account sparked my curiosity. What's the big deal? Isn't that what Friendster is for? Restricted naman 'yung profile mo so I only saw your face.

Actually, tama ka sa mga parinig mo. I honestly did not recognize you on Friendster. Bukod sa iba 'yung pangalan mo doon (I won't disclose it out of courtesy), you looked so different in the solo picture that you used as the "wallpaper" or background of your profile. Hindi mo pa kasama 'yung best friend mo sa picture na nakita ko noon so of course I didn't recognize you. At hindi mo kamukha 'yung Mildred na nambabastos sa akin sa mundo ng blog. Did you like the smile I sent your way before I sent you a message on Friendster? And was there anything bad about my message? Compliment naman 'yung nakalagay doon, ah. To borrow the expression you coined, you're just "taking it so loud" (whatever that means).

Ganito rin kasi 'yon. It wouldn't be fair for me to just randomly believe everything I've heard about you and your best friend over the past week or so, without coming up with an informed position on my own. And so I decided to do my own research and my own math. If wanting to get to the bottom of the issue and wanting to know the truth makes me part of the "paparazzi," so be it. I'll take on the label (of "paparazzi") with style.

4. Cowardice is obscene.

To the real Karen and Alex: With all due respect, DUWAG KAYO! To everyone else who reads this blog, have you noticed how these two individuals suddenly disappeared into thin air after opening a can of worms in the comments box of my previous post? Para sa inyo, Karen at Alex, masaya ba kayo ngayon? Sulsol kayo nang sulsol pero ngayon, heto kayo, nagtatago sa mga lungga ninyo. Ibinala ninyo sina Isabela, Raquel, Ka Uro, Ethel, Kadyo, Ghie, at pati na rin ako sa gulong ito, pero ni hindi niyo kayang panindigan ang "expose" na sinimulan ninyo. Natutuwa ba kayo na napagbintangan pa si Raquel dahil sa katarantaduhan ninyo? Anong pinagkaiba ninyo sa mga taong nirereklamo ninyo? Sa kabila ng mga pinagsasabi ninyo tungkol kina Naomi at Mildred, hindi sila duwag na katulad ninyo! Mas marunong pa silang humarap sa gulo kaysa sa inyong dalawa!

Your cowardice is so pathetic. Kung may paninindigan kayo, I dare you to speak up in your own damn blogs instead of just hiding behind your pseudonyms and the comments you leave in different blogs. I was wrong to even give you the time of day or put up with your bullshit from the start. And to the real Karen, I was especially wrong to trust you when you suddenly appeared out of nowhere and showed "concern" just when I was reeling from a heated argument (which put me in a vulnerable state, much to your advantage and self-interests). But now I know better. I will no longer tolerate displays of cowardice from your end. I don't even want to associate with you from this point onward. Should you post any comments in my blog, I resolve to delete your comments as a sign of my disapproval. And if any nasty comments (ascribed to "anonymous" or fictitious identities) suddenly surface, hmmm...I wonder whom I'd suspect.

(NOTE: Some readers may know the people I'm referring to. If the seemingly "critical" comments they have posted in other blogs do not appear in this post or in my future posts, read between the lines. Absence is also a presence, in a manner of speaking.)

***

That said, wala akong personal na galit kina Nao at Mildred. I may disapprove of certain actions on their part, but I have nothing against them personally. If truth be told, I once "welcomed" them into my cyber-home after they found their way here (as our exchange of comments in this entry indicates). At that time, I had already read about the comments that Mildred had left in Kadyo's blog during one of my random blog-hopping sojourns. While those comments certainly struck me as downright rude and below the belt, and I knew Kadyo was deeply pained by Naomi's false accusations, I figured I wasn't in a position to cast judgment on Mildred and Naomi. So I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt (kayo na lang po ang humusga kung masyado akong mabait o sadyang tanga). When the Naomi-Mildred tandem started visiting my blog in that order, I sincerely welcomed them and even considered them my friends at one point, albeit briefly. I looked forward to the sweet messages Nao frequently left on my tagboard--especially the way she called me "geng," since no one else has called me "geng" for the longest time, and the way she would take time out to say good night. As for Mildred, let's just say that there were times when we got along, and other instances when we had our differences. The exchange of comments in an old entry in Dops' blog (again, with the "mediation" of Naomi) attests to that. And perhaps it was a sign of things to come.

But I remained civil--at least until Mildred posted a comment (or are there several?) in response to my previous post, which provoked me. It was an act of disrespect in my very own blog. It was then that I had to put my foot down and respond to what she said.

My site may be a visitor friendly site, but that does not give any visitors the license to leave below the belt, bastos comments. Just because I'm nice doesn't mean you can be overfamiliar, as I have my boundaries. If you say something to disrespect or antagonize me, then I have the right to react and call your attention for that. And don't get me started because I can argue my case well, without resorting to mudslinging. If the analogy between a person's blog and a house (bahay) or tambayan holds true, what should you do if someone steps on your toes or puts you down in your own turf? Do you let a visitor--especially a stranger--just walk all over you? It is surely unwise to just take things sitting down. Other bloggers you know or care about might encounter similar woes, which could have been prevented early on.

found herself @ 9:28 PM 17 comments

Back in Chicago

Well, I'm back in Chicago, living the life I like to escape from every once in a while. I got back at around 830AM (Central Time). Thank God my aunt picked me up at the airport. Otherwise it would have taken me longer to get back to my apartment. I sure hit the ground running--as I usually do. I had to teach this afternoon, then put in a few hours at the women's archives. It's a wonder I didn't fall asleep.

To all those who left me thoughtful messages and comments while I was away--Nang Raquel (first honor ka, sis), Nang Ethel (ang nagbantay ng "bahay" ko, kasama pa si Churchill, habang wala ako), Ame.Sweet, Fay, Darlene, Naomi, Mildred, Graveyard Zombie, Saint Erica, Pau, Ghie, NV, Sunshine Pinay, Kadyo, Peanut, and Patrice, THANK YOU!!! I had a wonderful vacation. I miss New York already...waah!

Actually, I went to New York for two reasons--to get away from my hectic, monotonous life here and to visit and check up on my cousins (especially Grant, Don-don, and Joash, who recently arrived from the Philippines). And I was able to do just that. I got to explore the city with my cousins, and I even met up with my good friend April, whom I hadn't seen ever since our high school graduation. I also spent quality time with my auntie (who is beside me in the picture), despite her busy, busy schedule (she works as a nurse for at least 12 hours, almost seven days a week, and has the demands of family life and housework to worry about, besides). More importantly, I learned how to get around on my own. I know how to take the train from my auntie's house to the city and how to take the subway from Point A to Point B. I can tell the difference between Trains 4,5,6,7 and S, Q, and R, somehow. I didn't feel like a total stranger this time around. I wonder what that means. Maybe I should try to get a post-doc in New York once I get done with my Ph.D. (whenever that will be). Or I could study something else, like photography, journalism, or creative writing, which I was considering before I went to graduate school here. I'll be a professional student for the rest of my life, hahaha.

I know some of you wanted to know about what I did in New York, but I'm kinda tired, so I'll save the details of my vacation for another post (sorry, Raquel!). In the meantime, I leave you with some pictures of my trip. Just click on the link and it should take you to my Flickr webpage. Enjoy!

found herself @ 6:48 PM 23 comments

Hello from New York

Just a quick note...I'm enjoying my stay here in New York. It was raining really hard the night I got here, so my flight got delayed by an hour or so. I'm staying with my auntie and her family in Bronxville, NY (which is about 40-45 minutes away from the city). Didn't do anything much last Saturday because of the rain. My cousins and I just watched a movie somewhere in the suburbs. Yesterday, we explored the city with my high school friend who lives in Queens, NY. We went all over the place--from the Museum of Sex to Times Square to Rockefeller Center to Chinatown to Little Italy to St. Patrick's Cathedral to the Brooklyn Bridge to Ground Zero. We didn't get home till about 1AM or so. I'm about to explore the city again. Just waiting for my cousin to finish taking a bath. (Sana bilisan na niya kasi alis na alis na ako.)

I'll post pictures when I go back to Chicago. As it is, I forgot to bring the connector of my digicam so the pictures will have to wait.

Ingat kayo!

found herself @ 12:43 PM 7 comments

Examination of Conscience

Just got off the phone with my parents. After a "manic Monday" (what with my students' midterm exam, which I worked on till the last minute, and the readings I had to do for the next couple of lectures), there's nothing like a phone call to the Philippines that refreshes me. Before tonight, I hadn't called home for three weeks, so I relished the simple joys of catching up with my parents. It's funny how living abroad for the past three years has made me mellow down and GROW UP in so many ways. I used to be the biggest rebel, especially when I was in college. This put me at odds with my parents. Naubos yata lahat ng rosaryo ng nanay ko sa akin. And now, surprise, surprise, I'm at the point where I'm actually friends with my parents. It's definitely something to be thankful for.

***

I received rather surprising news from my mom tonight. She received a letter from Mommy P, one of my friends at the Correctional Institution for Women (CIW) in Mandaluyong just last week (I can't disclose this person's identity, for obvious reasons. I also abhor tsismis.) Apparently, Mommy P (the other inmates call her "mommy" because she has taken on such a role, especially in death row) took time out to write a long letter to my parents. I don't know the particulars of the letter, since my mom would rather that I read it myself. I just know Mommy P told my parents about what I did during my visits to CIW, mentioning that I slept on her bed when I stayed the night in death row last January. My mom also said Mommy P spoke so highly of me, which surprised my dad because he saw a different side of me upon reading the letter, and he just couldn't believe Mommy P was talking about me at all.

I cannot even begin to articulate how I feel. Suffice it to say that I'm touched and humbled at the same time. I'm intrigued by what Mommy P wrote, but I know I wouldn't flatter myself with whatever she said about me. She and the other inmates know me so well--my quirks included. But when my mom told me about the letter, I thought to myself, 'That sounds so much like Mommy P.' For she always sees the good in other people and lets them know that they matter in her own special way. During one of my last visits to CIW this year, she told me she wanted to write to my parents so they would see a different side of me. Perceptive si Mommy. She sensed some of my issues on the home front, even if I didn't disclose anything. Well, she really followed through with what she had said. All this is humbling, considering her situation. As a "political prisoner" whose sentence was commuted from the death penalty to life imprisonment, she literally has nothing and yet she still manages to reach out in such a profound way. I'm just really humbled by it all.

And I've arrived at the same realization over and over again through my interactions with the other inmates in CIW, who likewise remain close to my heart.

***

I've been thinking about my sisters in CIW a lot lately. I wonder how they are and lift them up in my prayers. Not a day goes by when I don't miss them. I've become really close to the inmates, especially those on death row, through the years, despite the distance that separates us. My last visit brought me even closer to them--and my "sleepover" on death row probably had a lot to do with it. Hindi na sila naiiba sa akin.

Whenever I get overwhelmed by the concerns and challenges I encounter in my daily life, God taps me on the shoulder to remind me that I'm still blessed, despite the circumstances. If anything, I'm still blessed because I'm free. It's not that I'm making opium out of other people's pain and suffering. Rather, I endeavor to live my life in solidarity with them, such that I'm painfully aware that there are so many other serious problems in the world that need to be attended to, and that my own issues are so trivial in comparison. Nowadays, when petty concerns, flip-offs, and such tend to dominate my life and world, to a fault, it's about time I remembered that.

found herself @ 11:55 PM 9 comments

New York, Here I Come!

My Fall Break is coming up in a week. YAY! I'll be spending the long weekend (October 7th to 11th) with my relatives in New York. I just booked my flight tonight, and I'm so excited. Finally, I get to go somewhere again. I've been stuck in Chicago for the past several months. I love the city to death and I consider it my second home, but I like to get away every once in a while. Given my busy summer, my equally busy semester, and everything that's been going on in my life lately, I do NEED to go somewhere. I'm so ready for a break. And there's nothing like traveling that rejuvenates my spirit.

The funny thing is, I didn't finalize my plans till today. I've been so busy with school and work and just living my life that I almost forgot that Fall Break was coming up. I also had second thoughts about going to New York because I just found out last night that my close friend JP (yes, the same JP who leaves insane messages on my tagboard), whom I had planned on hooking up with in New York, is moving to Georgia in three days. He just got a job as an environmental science instructor there and he has to start soon. (Pok, I'm happy for you because I know you've been so stressed out about the job thing for the longest time, but I'll miss you when I go to NY! Sinong kasama ko pag rumampa ako doon?! =( Waah!)

This afternoon, I decided to call my auntie in New York, just the same, to check on her and my cousins. She immediately asked me, "O kelan ka ba pupunta dito sa amin?" I mentioned that my fall break was coming up and she told me I'd better visit them in New York then. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I asked her if it was really okay with her, since she's recovering from an illness, and she assured me she'd be well by the time I got there. She reminded me: "You know you're welcome anytime. Just let us know your plans and we'll pick you up." Hehe, that's my auntie for you. So that's how my plans were finalized. Last minute plans are a work of art!

My auntie and I are really close. She helped take care of me when I was a baby. Certain relatives of mine can say what they want about her, but it cannot be denied that my auntie and I have this tight bond that has never changed, even when we don't hear from each other for months or even years at a time. Para kaming magkapatid, as in! I can tell her about my craziest stories and escapades, and she won't censor me or tell on me--which is more than what I can say for another auntie who I really trusted in the recent past, until I found out that she had been ratting on me all those years that I confided in her. The funny thing is, my dad picked up on the fact that my auntie in New York knew all my deepest, darkest secrets, so when I started applying to graduate school four years ago, he told me I could only go to school in Virginia or in Chicago because he could trust my relatives there. Kakontsaba ko daw sa kalokohan 'yung auntie ko sa New York at pagtatakpan niya lang daw ako, so going to school there was out of the question. (Hmp! Eh first choice ko pa naman ang New York. Oh well. At least I got my scholarship here.)

Anyhow, I'm really looking forward to my trip and just spending time and catching up with my auntie, as well as my cousins. I haven't gone to New York for two years now and I miss it. Six more days to go!

found herself @ 8:38 PM 9 comments