Bad trip
It sucks when the people "closest" to you don't quite understand you.
***
I don't doubt your love and concern for me (even if you play favorites), but sometimes, you just don't get it.
It's my life. If I don't agree with your plans, don't take it personally. I just look at life differently. If my dreams are simple compared to yours, don't take that against me.
You can belittle my work, my interests, and my plans till kingdom come, but in the end, it's my life. I will still choose to follow my heart.
***
Thank God for those who love, understand, and support me, even when they're under no obligation to do so.
I have no regrets spending more time with these people. At least I can be myself around them.
Requiem
Freedom.
This was her only prayer, ever since she found herself behind bars. Only God knows how and why she ended up in prison. She once told me that whenever visitors would ask her about the offense she had commited, she would reply: "Massacre." But I know she said that just to shut them up, especially if she could sense they were just being nosy. For she wasn't on death row--that is, when the death penalty still existed in this country; neither was she on life imprisonment. She used to stay in a dormitory for inmates with
de numero sentences (sentences lower than life imprisonment), before she was transferred to a dormitory for elderly inmates this year.
She thought she would be released last year and hoped to return to Ormoc, Leyte, where she was from. Before I returned to the States in January 2005, she told me: "I wish you success. I'll see you outside."
But she was still in prison when I returned at the end of the year. She never told me what happened, but I heard from another inmate that she had a pending case that got in the way. We never talked about her case or even her aspirations from that point onward. We talked about other things instead. We talked about the
lolas who had been released from prison before New Year's Eve. She longed to be in their shoes, but somehow, she trusted that there was a reason why the universe conspired for them to be released ahead of her. She expressed her concern over their failing health, and wondered how they would readjust to life in free society after spending years behind bars.
We also talked about teaching--an interest we had in common. She taught illiterate inmates to read and write for a mere 100 pesos per month. And yet her dedication to her work was evident. She rejoiced in the successes of her students. If a
lola walked out of prison knowing how to write her own name, she was happy.
Like all the other inmates, she missed her loved ones. Her children, who lived in the province, couldn't visit her often because of the cost of commuting to and from Manila. Their infrequent visits meant she couldn't depend on them to help her with her expenses, such as food, toiletries, and medicine. Yet she never complained about her situation. She told me she could never impose on her children. She only asked me to remember her, as well as another inmate in her dorm who had no visitors, whenever I would bring home
pasalubong for my friends on death row: "
Sa susunod, pwedeng ampunin mo naman kami?" I told her I would do that.
Six months after we had that conversation, I came home again for a vacation. Despite my repeated visits to the penitentiary, I never got to visit her. She was teaching a class when I passed by her new dorm, so I just left her
pasalubong with someone. During my next couple of visits, I still didn't get to visit her. There were many other inmates demanding my time, attention, and listening ears. Other times, the rainy weather made it rather inconvenient to make the trip to her dorm. I regret not being able to visit her. Now, it's too late.
Three days ago, she got her wish--to be free from the iron cage in which she had been confined for so many years. But she had to die in order to get past the walls of prison.
I can only pray for her. May she truly be at peace now.
***
This post is dedicated to Nanay W, one of my friends in CIW (Correctional Institution for Women). She passed away on August 5, 2006, at 5:30AM. She was in her late 70s. She came down with diarrhea and was rushed to a nearby hospital in Mandaluyong. She died of dehydration shortly.
Paalam, 'Nay.
found herself @ 12:49 PM
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