More about my friendships
Had a petty flip-off with R this afternoon. He wouldn't stop teasing me to R2, a common friend of ours. He texted me, saying I should ask her out or hang out with her or something. He added, he better stop daw "
kasi ayokong maging M (read: current love interest) Part 2." How do you think I was supposed to interpret it? From what I understood, he was referring to himself and he didn't want to be another unrequited love interest of mine.
Diba??? I texted him and told him
ang kapal niya if he assumes I'd fall for him (he has a girlfriend
kaya, although they hooked up after chatting endlessly and they haven't seen each other for the past 9 years, so I don't know how serious their relationship is). I added that I would never fall for the girl he was teasing me to because she has a boyfriend and no-no
sa 'kin ang taken.
Ayoko ng may sabit. Ano ako, kabit?!!!
R apologized but said he never meant to assume I'd fall for him.
Sa susunod kasi, linawin niya. He's still affected, though. I told him okay
na but he kept explaining himself in his text messages. Whatever.
* * *
I'm happy I got to spend a bit of time with another close friend, Sr. Dinah, who will be making her first profession of vows (yes, as a nun) on the 4th of July. She stopped by my apartment to return my CDs, and I ended up accompanying her to the nursing home and community center where she does her ministry. Judy, the old lady to whom Sr. Dinah gave communion, was so charming and sweet. I feel bad that she's really lonely, though. My heart just went out to her when she cried after telling us that being alone wasn't funny. (It's humbling for people like myself who get so caught up in doing their own thing.) So
nilambing ko siya. I have a soft spot for elderly people and it's coming out now.
I took pictures of Sr. Dinah "at work." One of the sisters wants to use those pictures for the congregation's website. At least I was able to help out. I've journeyed with Sr. Dinah over the past year or so.
Parang ako tuloy yung nag-novice. She has also journeyed with me. We have such a beautiful friendship. We listen to each other, connect so well, and take turns being big sisters to each other when we have to. I'll be so happy and proud when she says her vows. =)
* * *
Johnna, my "best Chicago friend," just called and said she was gonna stop by my neighborhood and grab a drink at the Pumping Company, this bar near where I live. I had planned on doing laundry tonight, but maybe I'll squeeze in a drink or two, in between. Oh well. Something to cheer me up and celebrate the end of the day.
Unrequited love
I hate it when I fall in love with my friends. It hurts so badly, especially when it's pretty obvious that things would never work out if we became more than friends.
Ewan ko ba. Dunno how I fell in love with my current love interest, but it all happened less than two weeks ago. At first I thought she liked me (hehe, assuming
ba?) because of some cryptic actions on her part (read: she called me "honey" a lot, sounded so happy whenever I called her, and said all these things that made her seem like she wanted to get so involved with my life) that gave me all these weird feelings in my gut. It's hard to explain why I felt weird, but as I told my good friend Robert, I know I wouldn't feel weird if another girl friend would do or say those things to me. Robert, who miraculously can read me so well even if we haven't seen each other for the past eight years or so, kept teasing me, saying I should just admit that even a small part of me likes that girl. I denied it for the first two nights and said she just weirded me out whenever she called me "honey." But exactly a week ago, when we got together and I ended up tagging along with her when she ran some errands and hanging out at her place till it was almost midnight, I realized he was right. Shieet. When I fall, I fall hard. God, let my feelings pass soon before they get in the way of our friendship.
No words can express how and why I fell in love with this girl. Sure, she looks like the Latina version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I don't think I fell for her because of her looks. She's really caring and she has this way of listening to you and making you feel she'll always be there for you. When she talks to her family over the phone or tells me about her family and friends, I can see the same caring nature. And she's just so mysterious. She admits she's really secretive, even toward her closest friends, and she appreciates it when they respect her decision to keep things from them (
intriga, diba?). She's also religious and socially conscious. Well, she ain't no political science major and journalist by profession for nothing. And she admits she's pretty picky with her friends. She doesn't consider a lot of people her friends, so I'm touched that she considers me a friend. '
Yun lang, medyo selosa siya.
I can't even describe how happy I am just staring at her dark, expressive brown eyes or her delicate face while she talks, or listening to her talk to her mom on the phone, even when I can hardly understand what she says (except for
hijo de puta, maybe, haha), or just accompanying her or helping her out when she runs errands. I just treasure her presence and enjoy the sweet fullness of doing nothing with her.
I fell in love with her without knowing it and realized it too late. Funny, we became friends partly because I fell in love with a guy I work with (Yes, I'm bisexual.) and kept her posted about what I'd do with the guy (
na-develop
rin ako sa lalaki without realizing it. The thing is, he has a girlfriend but he's also discerning the priesthood, so
hindi talaga pwede). So we actually started out as girl-friends, and I even considered her a big sister figure, in a way. (Now I know why considering someone my "
ate" can be a big red flag for me. As my best friend knows, I fall in love with or at least get very attached to my "
ate" figures every so often.) Too bad she would never fall for me. It wasn't hard to fish out information about her sexual orientation. I don't know whether or not she ever had a boyfriend at all because she's pretty secretive about her love life, but as far as I know, she's heterosexual. =( =( =( I don't even dare to hope that somehow, she'd turn out to be bisexual, too, and give me a chance. I just hope I'll get over her soon. I have to be contented that she wants us to be close friends. And in a weird way, her being dense has its advantages. She has no clue just how much I like her.
We went out last Saturday and ended up boy-watching while killing time before we went home. I can't even describe how painful that was. Now I know why someone once said the hardest thing is sitting beside someone and knowing that you'll never have them. I sure got drunk that night and bawled my eyes out to Robert. Oh well. I'll live.
Of Spanish lessons and the quirks of friendship
Hola! Como estas? Estoy muy bien, gracias. (
Tama ba???)
Just parted ways with my friend M about 45 minutes ago. She offered to tutor me in Spanish, and we met for our second session a little past 5PM. Our original plan was to get together at her studio. But no. When I got there at 4:55PM (she has issues with tardiness, as I found out two weeks ago), she wasn't home. I rang her buzzer, called her cellphone and got her voicemail twice till she finally answered her phone. It turned out she was in the library, printing some materials for me.
Tama ba yon...so for once,
na-late
rin siya. Good thing I'm more flexible about stuff. I asked her if she'd rather meet in the library and she said that was fine, so I headed there ASAP.
I had thought of going to the library before heading over to M's house, just to check if she had e-mailed me any additional materials for our Spanish lesson. But I decided against it because I didn't have time. I took a nap when I got home at 330PM (I came from the library, haha. I was supposed to do my laundry pero
alanganin 'yung oras because I need two hours to do laundry.) and woke up past 4PM to answer some exercises M had e-mailed me, which turned out to be rather advanced for my level. And I ended up taking a "shitbreak" so I really didn't have time. '
Yun pala, she was the one running late.
Kung alam ko lang, sana naglaba na lang ako this afternoon, hehe =) Or I should have just gone to the library, anyways, without caring whether she would get upset with me for being late.
I am such an idiot. For some reason, I haven't bought a Spanish dictionary yet. Duh! I didn't realize I should have bought one till this afternoon, when most of the words in the exercise didn't make sense and I had no clue as to whether I should use "ser" or "estar" ("to be," used in different contexts) in the sentences. I just guessed my way through everything. Oh, and I forgot to make a second copy of the materials M e-mailed me this week. For some reason, I thought I didn't need to do that because she just e-mailed me a sheet with the pronunciation of letters in Spanish and the "ser" or "estar" exercise. Of course M got on my case for that. She asked me if I had forgotten to print a second copy. I didn't want to admit that it slipped my mind because that girl takes everything personally, as she admitted to me last Friday (she's a self-admitted "drama queen"), so I just told her I must have left the second copy on my desk at work. She understands I'm busy at work, so she didn't say anything. Oh, and she told me I should buy a Spanish-English dictionary. I wanted to kick myself when she said that. I don't know why. Siguro nahiya ako sa sarili ko. And I didn't want to give her another reason to get upset because apparently, she gets ticked off with some things easily.
Our lesson lasted for about an hour. We went over the Spanish alphabet and I did a spelling exercise, where I orally spelled Spanish last names. We also went over conversational expressions. The "ser" or "estar" exercise was my downfall. M checked my answers and reminded me at that point that I should get a Spanish-English dictionary to improve my vocabulary. Talk about stating the obvious. I don't know why I just got so embarrassed with my self. I couldn't even follow through with the exercise. She realized, though, that the exercise might have been too advanced for me. Hello, I think I had to answer 20 items or something and for the life of me, I don't even know a lot of Spanish words, let alone syntax and grammar rules. I got one item right but she said I got lucky. She kinda got upset with herself for giving me such an advanced exercise, so we ended the lesson shortly. She gave me an assignment: to write a dialogue using the expressions and pronouns I've learned thus far.
I was considering staying in the library, but I thought she wanted to hang out tonight or something and I guess I wanted to just be in her company and catch up with her, so I left the library with her. Well, she didn't invite me to do anything tonight, although she did say she finally bought Chilean wine and we could drink it tomorrow (oh my God, nagiging tomador na ako. I've been drinking more than once a week for the past couple of weeks. Di naman ako ganoon dati.) after our lesson. After we crossed the street, I bumped into Jackie, a student from the Pastoral Studies program whom I met at the "Calling to Justice" conference last February. I just smiled and said hello, and so did Jackie. I don't know if M got jealous (again) because I happen to know a lot of people not only on campus but also in Chicago and even in other states (
kasalanan ko bang ma-PR
ako?), but she said goodbye then. Hehe, at least
nag-beso siya sa '
kin. She said she wasn't gonna do anything tonight, though. I told her I'd probably just do laundry and she laughed.
Jackie and I talked for a bit, then I headed back to the library. Hmp. I should have just stayed here after all. I bumped into Marguerite on my way here, and we talked about our plans for the 4th of July weekend. I wanted to kick myself again when I saw her. I meant to invite her to the Discipleship Day organized by my nun-friends here in Chicago last week, but I kept forgetting to e-mail her the details. By the time I e-mailed her, it was too late. I invited her to the Weekend Retreat of my nun-friends in Grand Rapids, MI (which has become my second home this year) in July, but she can't make it because she has to work that weekend. (Hehe,
tama bang ako 'yung PR person
ng mga kamadrehan? I'm in the wrong field. I should have gone into PR, not sociology...KIDDING!)
* * *
My phone just rang, but I didn't answer it because it was JP (a friend from college who now lives and studies in New York) on the other line. No offense to him, I love him to pieces, but sometimes, I wish he would pick the right time to call. We call each other just to talk about how things are going for us, and that's okay. I don't mind making
telebabad with him, but I just wish he wouldn't call before 9PM because my cellphone bill just skyrocketed last month and I think I've been using up a lot of my free minutes. Duh, he can always call after 9PM naman or on the weekends and we'd both get unlimited usage that way.
Hindi ako kuripot but I'm just playing it safe. I don't want to pay more than $100 for my freakin' phone bill, like I did last month. I'll just call JP back during off-peak hours.
found herself @ 8:50 PM
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