More random musings
Okay, taken na ako. Don't know why or how I ended up giving you-know-who a chance, but it just felt so right. And today, I don't feel strange going about my life knowing that I have a boyfriend. Who's the lucky guy? Sino pa nga ba? R, my childhood friend turned jowa (hehe, I'm using this term because it makes him laugh). We're officially together, but I still want him to ask permission from my parents and half-brother. I told him that's the least we could do to start the relationship the right way.
I've realized just lately how afraid I am to love. I have no hesitations when it comes to loving my friends or the people in the communities and institutions I've volunteered at/worked with (the Aetas, the inmates of CIW, the babies at CRIBS, the Native Americans at Anawim Center, what-have-you), and I've fallen in love God knows how many times. But I'm at my most vulnerable state when it comes to romantic love, especially when I'm in a relationship. Maybe it's because I'm one hell of a martyr and I've been burned...I don't know...twice? More than twice? I've done a lot of stupid things for love.
Thank God for my friend JP, to whom I spilled my guts out over the phone last night. I told him about the fears about my relationship with R that surface at times, particularly the fear of getting hurt and the fear that the relationship could get in the way of my discernment. JP patiently assured me to stick to the relationship and enjoy it, and reminded me, "Hindi natin alam kung paano gumagalaw ang Diyos." I told him that I almost closed my doors, on the pretext of wanting to become a nun, but then something inside of me told me not to use the convent as a shield or cover up for my emotions or what could happen. JP affirmed my decision by telling me, "The worst thing you (anyone) could do is use God as a reason to close yourself off to the person who is God's gift to you."
And thank God for Elizabeth, another lady discerning religious life (I met her during the Nun Run I took part in last April.). When we were on our way to visit our nun-friends in Rogers Park (my hangout) yesterday, I told her I had a boyfriend, and she was so happy for me. She thought that was so sweet. She also said that was part of exploring my vocation. She congratulated me again before we parted ways.
I've been listening to the voice of God through other people. So far, they haven't discouraged me from getting into a relationship. So what am I afraid of or uneasy about at times? Ewan.
Sucky rainy day
I am typing this in the library of my school's campus in downtown Chicago. I'm kinda freezing and I don't know if it's because of the airconditioning (which isn't too cold, anyways) or because I got soaked in the blasted godforsaken rain this afternoon.
What a day. I spent the morning looking at apartments and e-mailing and calling prospective roommates who ended up NOT being interested or able to share an apartment with me. Suffice it to say I wasn't in the best mood when I made my way down here this afternoon. Who wouldn't be? I'm under so much pressure to look for an affordable studio (within the $500 range, with enough space) or one bedroom apartment (low $600 range please), or a roommate for the two-bedroom garden apartment in my building or the one bedroom apartment I saw today within two weeks, before I go home to the Philippines for a visit. And I haven't found anything today. Tomorrow is my deadline for confirming with my landlord whether or not I'll take the garden apartment. I haven't found a roomie for that unit yet, so I'm screwed.
If I don't find an affordable studio or one-bedroom apartment or a roommate for a two-bedroom apartment (which I would need to scout for, if I can't have the place downstairs), I am screwed. I would have no choice but to deal with my roommate for one more year, and I DON'T WANT THAT. Actually, I'm pretty mad at her because I wouldn't have considered looking for another apartment, if she weren't hell-bent on making my life miserable. She just complained last week that she couldn't sleep well because she could see my desk light from her bedroom window (my desk is in the living room because my bedroom is about half the size of hers) and hear me typing at night. She asked me if I could do my work in my bedroom at night--never mind if it means squeezing myself into my teeny desk, which I have since turned into an altar, or working on the floor in the event that I use many books. I told her she couldn't do anything about my working/study habits (i.e. if I work better at night and need a bigger desk, like the one in the living room, especially when I type my papers and refer to several books at a time) and she reminded me that she moved her stupid parakeet into her room (she never asked me if I minded her putting that godforsaken bird in the living room, to begin with) so I could do my work. Ergo, I better do stuff for her?! She even insinuated that I could probably use one book at a time if I were to study in my room at night, so that I could use my desk. Where does she get off telling me to change my study habits, when she takes offense at every suggestion I make? You tell me. She can't have everything on her terms all the time.
If only it weren't more affordable and practical to share an apartment, I would live in a studio or one-bedroom apartment, so that I can have my own life and not step on anyone's toes. But that's not the way housing works around here.
I was supposed to meet two friends at the Shedd Aquarium this afternoon but my bus was running late and I got off at the wrong stop twice. I considered just going straight here (at around 230PM), but no, I was nice enough to take the bus again (after getting off at the wrong stop for the first time) in the downpour. Well, shortly after I got off at the wrong bus stop and while walking toward the right stop, R texted me and said he'd just meet me at the Union Station
kasi di na daw ako aabot if humabol pa ako sa kanila. Wish he'd told me that earlier.
By the way, R is in love with me. Okay
lang but right now, I couldn't care less because I'm in a bad mood.
Hindi pa kami officially and I still want my space. He's going back to New Hampshire tomorrow. Maybe I'll miss him, maybe I won't.
Dammit, my joints are starting to hurt. I better get off the computer, especially since the library is about to close.
Random musings for today
I'm supposed to be working, but I can't concentrate that much. So I'm blogging, hehe =)
I've been such a slacker lately. Blame it on the problems I've been having in securing unconditional approval to start collecting data for my master's thesis. I meant to start collecting data for my thesis this summer, but this bureaucratic office is taking forever in processing my request, so everything's up in the air for now. My job keeps me busy, but now I have a lot of reasons to go out and unwind after office hours, especially since I've had several people visiting me this summer. I've been drinking and partying more than once a week, which is so unlike me.
Robert is in town for a visit this week, so we've been going out with our friend Rizza and her boyfriend Sherwin since Saturday. Most of the time, we end up having a drink before heading home. (Monday night was the only night I didn't drink with them because I went home earlier due to a headache.) Last night, we stayed out till 1:20PM or so. I didn't go to bed till 2AM. I ended up sleeping in till 9AM this morning--especially since I had such a bizaare dream about going to Chile as an illegal immigrant, despite the dangers, partly to get back at someone in my family. I know I have flexible hours, but I meant to be at work by 9AM so I could get stuff done before meeting up with two nun-friends for lunch, but I didn't get to leave the house till ten minutes to 11AM. It was 1125AM by the time I got here, so I just waited for the sisters at the lobby, where we had agreed to meet.
We had a good lunch at this restaurant called Mity Nice. Sr. Mary Miller had a gift card valid at that place. Haha, she successfully fished out whether or not I was considering the religious life and how long it's been on my mind. Sr. Beata just listened intently with a smile on her face, as she usually does. It's usually hard to get a straight answer from me because I just smile/laugh/stare at my feet whenever any of the nuns from their congregation tease me about joining them or ask me about what I intend to do with my life. So Sr. Mary Miller was successful.
Sr. Mary Miller is a cool nun. She knows I've been partying a lot, but she told me to enjoy myself--it's part of college daw (maybe she means university/life as a single young adult in general because I'm done with college). It's hard to hide anything from her because I feel she can see right through me. She entered the convent at 14, left at 29 (I found out about her reasons for leaving this afternoon), and worked as an educator for 30 years before she re-joined the congregation at 60. She had to go through the whole nine yards of formation, and she's a junior sister again, but she's happy with her vocation. So if there's anyone who could discern with me whether or not I have a vocation, it has to be her. For some reason, her jokes always strike a chord within me. Awhile ago, she said it would be fine by her if I were to enter the convent in the Philippines, but added that of course, it would be better if I entered the convent here.
After lunch, we ended up passing by the John Hancock Observatory and the Water Tower because Sr. Mary Miller was taking Sr. Beata to the places where she could take her family, who's coming for a visit on July 22nd. I wish I could have hung out with them the whole afternoon, but I had this nagging thought about my needing to show up at work today. We parted ways after we left Water Tower. I could have gone with them to Sr. Mary Miller's office and to Navy Pier, and I know they planned to go home before rush hour anyway, but I decided to come here and put in a few hours for today. So here I am.
I just realized I could have taken off this afternoon and it wouldn't have been such a big deal and I kinda want to kick myself. I'm gonna see Sr. Beata on Sunday, when Elizabeth and I visit the community in Rogers Park, but I have no idea when I'll see Sr. Mary Miller again (maybe when I get back from the Philippines in the fall). I feel like their asking me to hang out with them this afternoon was such a blessing that I overlooked when I chose to part ways with them right away. Awhile ago, when I was with them, it just felt so right and I didn't even feel they were nuns or "the other." It was as if I was one of them.
I have so much to pray about. God help me.
I think I'm over her
I think I've gotten over my unrequited love. God knows how my feelings just blossom and die.
I went to her studio yesterday for another Spanish lesson. Surprisingly, I didn't feel the attraction anymore. Maybe I was too tired because I was running on about 3 hours of sleep or so. But for some reason, when we talked and hung out yesterday, I just felt like I was hanging out with one of my good friends. Parang magkabarkada na lang talaga kami. Thank God for the grace of moving on easily.
Well, maybe it's because I had a sucky day yesterday. Five minutes before I left the apartment I share with a two-faced, inconsiderate bitch, my roommate chose to "bother" me with a stupid concern of hers. She asked me if I could work in my room at night if I were to do some reading
(This entry was cut short because my friend/officemate Irene stopped by my cubicle and we ended up talking about relationships for the next hour or so. I found out she just broke up with her then-boyfriend 2 months ago. We ended up going out to dinner.)
found herself @ 5:59 PM
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