My Chicago Summer (Year 3)
Summer's coming soon--at least in Chicago. YAY! It's about time. It's so freakin' cold and windy here for most of the year. It's getting warmer these days, but sometimes the temperature just drops all of a sudden.
Traydor talaga 'yung panahon dito. I always have to bring a jacket with me, even in the summer time, because I never know what to expect.
***
I think I'm gonna have an uneventful and quiet summer ahead of me. Johnna's in Taiwan, so I don't really have anyone to hang out with--besides my roommate (who is going home to Massachusetts for three weeks, WAAAH!) and my nun-friends, that is. Oh well. My ex-crush-turned-friend M is leaving for Chile for good in less than two weeks so I won't get to hang out with her, obviously. Okay
lang--she's too possessive anyway.
I'm still finishing my thesis. GAWD!!!!!! I want to get the blasted thing out of my way so f*cking badly! I'm at the last chapter and I'm...stuck...help! I'm also gonna be working at two different jobs this summer--one is for course credit and unpaid and the other is paid (but just enough to pay my rent). I just started my internship at United Way yesterday (May 25th), and so far, it's going well. I jumped right into the work, even if I was running on three hours of sleep (from working on my thesis)--which is just as well because they do need a lot of work done. And the people are really nice. They welcomed me instantly, and they treat me like I'm one of them. I was so surprised when I walked in the building yesterday and saw a professional-looking "Welcome" sign for me--to think intern
lang naman ako. And my supervisor's really easygoing. It's funny because she, as well as a new staff member, are also in the same Ph.D. program in sociology that I'm in. Small world! They're advanced graduate students, though. They don't want to tell me what year they're in.
On Tuesday the 31st, I start at my other job (the paid one). I'll be editing case studies for my school's Philanthropy department, which is housed at my former office. I don't know yet if I get to keep my old desk, but what the heck, at least I'll still be around. The pay is okay--not as much as I used to get at my graduate assistantship--but I'm not complaining. My soon-to-be supervisor, who is also my professor for my internship class, saved my life. If it weren't for him, I'd probably be doing some under-the-table job and barely making ends meet. Hehe, I've come to realize editing is my saving grace. I used to edit theses in the Philippines as my sideline and guess what I'm doing now? History repeats itself.
***
Speaking of history repeating itself,
syet...I think I'm slowly falling for someone I never thought I'd fall for...because I thought I swore off people in that person's "category" forever.
The Graduation
Hehe =)
Nakapag-martsa na rin ako sa wakas! =) Can't you see I'm all smiles during the ceremony?
So what if I'm not done with my thesis yet? Thank God my university has this policy that allows students to participate in the commencement ceremony even if they're not completely done with their programs, as long as they have one outstanding degree requirement. That's the kind of situation I'm in. I finished all the master's requirements except the thesis in December of 2003, but I got SERIOUSLY delayed with my thesis because of the sensitive nature of my research (about women ex-offenders) and the red tape it involved from the end of Research Services. I didn't get permission to start collecting data for my thesis till October of 2004 and surprise, surprise, I'm still writing my thesis. That's why a huge part of me didn't really feel the spirit of graduation--especially since I was working on my thesis up until I had to leave for the commencement ceremony. Oh well. I'm still thankful I got to participate in the May 2005 ceremony because my close friends in the Sociology Department were there--Grace, Jade, Rita, Meghan...and Johnna in spirit. =)
The ceremony was pretty brief--it lasted for about an hour and a half. I was giggling the whole time because one of the students had the word "masturbation" in their dissertation title and I wondered whether the commentator would use that word when he read people's dissertation titles and abstracts aloud. Sorry,
mababaw ang kaligayahan ko. Jade, who was sitting beside me, thought I was nuts.
I couldn't stop smiling when I went up the stage to get my (fake) diploma.
Pinaghirapan ko talaga 'yung MA
ko (plus the additional coursework
I took for the Ph.D.) so even if my thesis is still pending, I felt all my efforts in graduate school were recognized. I was wearing stilettos so you can just imagine the noise I made
pagbaba ko ng stage. Jade, who was right in front of me, heard it clearly. *PAK!* THUD! PAK!*
Solo flightOn the downside, I didn't have any visitors for my graduation ceremony. My dad is busy preparing for the bar review. My mom didn't want to make the trip here for my master's graduation
kasi busy daw siya sa pag-aasikaso ng boarding house
namin.
Pupunta na lang daw silang lahat 'pag nakuha ko na 'yung Ph.D
. ko. Whatever. Initially, the agreement was for us to go on a trip to Rome in lieu of my participation of the ceremony, but she backed out because of the boarders. Part of me doesn't want to believe her anymore whenever she makes plans and/or promises to come here because most of the time
, nauudlot lang. I've learned that it's best to believe her when she has a definite itinerary. Otherwise
, nasasaktan lang ako. (Just because I seem easygoing and flexible on the outside and I don't demand anything much doesn't mean I don't get hurt.)
Since my graduation fell on a Thursday afternoon, I didn't expect my auntie and uncle to be able to make it because of their work schedule. (NOTE: However, I would find out two days later that my auntie could have attended it after all, if we had coordinated schedules properly.
Nakipagpalit pala siya ng shift
sa hospital,
e hindi niya naman sinabi sa akin. Hello?! How the hell was I supposed to know?! I was CRAZY BUSY writing my thesis until the last minute. And she assumed I was busy with "finals" so she figured she wouldn't call me
kasi ayoko daw "makipagdaldalan" sa kanya 'pag busy
ako. Correction: I just don't appreciate her dishing out gossip or bitching about whoever
at naiirita rin ako sa kakulitan niya.)
I also didn't bother inviting any of my nun-friends (my only friends in Chicago, besides my roommate, ever since Johnna left for Taiwan).
Ewan ko, tinopak lang talaga ako. Sr. Dinah is on retreat, anyway, so she wouldn't have been able to attend my graduation. And since I've been so busy with my thesis, I kept forgetting to contact the nuns. By the time I remembered it, it was too late and I felt shy about inviting them on short notice (NOTE: In retrospect, I should have at least invited them. I found out Sr. Rose Therese would have wanted to attend it, and she even wondered if I did attend my graduation. And Sr. Mary Helen would later comment that I "graduated in secret," hinting that I should have invited them. Oops.)
My roommate had to work that day, so she couldn't commit, either. She did attend the latter part of the ceremony, but she went home early--and surprised me with a bottle of Kahlua when I got home.
I ended up going out to dinner with Jade, her boyfriend, and her friends from Taiwan after our graduation. Who else could I hang out with? Hehe, loser
ba? And when I got home, I worked on my thesis.
Basta, as I said,
tinopak lang talaga ako n'ung grad
ko. I felt it was pointless to invite anyone else if my family wouldn't be there anyway because the presence of my relatives and friends wouldn't make up for my family's absence. So when I found out that my relatives and friends here had other commitments and concerns, I didn't take it against them. I was also too stressed out to care.
Anyway, that's how my master's graduation went--pretty uneventful, to say the least. After seeing Ph.D. candidates get hooded, I'm more determined to finish my Ph.D. more than ever, just so I can wear the cool purple robe and get hooded. Hehe =) I hope my Ph.D. graduation will be more meaningful. This time, I'll invite more people.
Grades and graduation
I just checked my grades. I got a B+ for statistics!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! Masaya na ako, grabe. And I got As for my Philanthropy class (despite my crappy term paper) and my two education workshops. I took an incomplete for my thesis 'cause it's not yet done. God. Please pray for me. I still have one to two more chapters to write. I'm getting so sick and tired of it.
Basta, masaya na ako 'cos I expected a B for statistics. I was just worried 'cause I didn't want to repeat the class.
***
I graduated twice this week. Although I'm not yet done with my thesis, I got to participate in the graduation ceremony for my MA in Sociology yesterday. I wanted to graduate with my close friends in the program so I'm very grateful that it worked out. At nakita ko pa 'yung dalawang crush ko sa graduation, hehehe =) After going out to dinner with friends, I went home and...what else...resumed my work on my thesis. How geeky. Anyway, I so want to get it done by the end of June, especially since my advisor is leaving (SOB).
Today, I just got my graduate certificate in Community College Learning and Teaching. We had a graduation luncheon this afternoon, which turned out well. Sobrang touching. I also got to talk to the president of a community college here in Chicago and he told me to give him a call sometime. My classmate told me he was practically recruiting me. *PRAYING*
I uploaded my graduation pictures on Flickr.com. Just click on the text labeled "More of soul_seeker's photos" below the pictures on the right side of the screen.
Happy weekend, everybody!
Post-finals thoughts
Ngek. I just spent the past couple of hours writing an entry about how my finals went. I was supposed to include it in my Mother's Day post, but I decided to save it as a different post for clarity. And I just lost the post. Grrrr...
Syet! Kasi naman, why doesn't Blogger have a freakin' cut and paste function?
Langhiya.Oh well. Let's just say I survived my finals--despite a major attack of
mittelschmerz (German for "mid-cycle pain" or ovulation pain), not to mention an annoying phonecall from my
tsismosa and
pakialamera tita from LA (who just happens to call during the most inconvenient times), the day my statistics assignment was due. I also did well on the final presentation I did for my Syllabus workshop, even if I put it together during lunch break.
I have to work on my thesis for part of the summer and I have to turn in another draft on May 15th, but I'm done for this sem. It's been a crazy semester and a crazy year, overall. Thank God I'm still alive.
"Nanay-nanayan"
Funny, one of my friends greeted me "Happy Mother's Day" this afternoon.
Kahit wala daw akong anak, "nanay" pa rin daw ako. Upon reflecting on what she said, I realized it made sense because although I don't have any children, I do have a daughter in spirit. Her name is Nina, and I've known her since she was a baby. She lived in CRIBS Philippines, an institution for abandoned babies and survivors of sexual abuse, at that time and I volunteered there through TUGON, an organization I belonged to when I was in college. I took care of Nina for about four years, even after I graduated, and up until the time she was adopted by an American family. She gave me a taste of motherhood. She's nine years old now, but I still consider her my baby to this day.
I still remember Nina's discharge from CRIBS as if it were yesterday, even if almost four years have passed since then. I had just returned to Manila from Sorsogon, where I attended the wake and burial of a dear friend (one of my
bading friends I call "
mama"), when I found out (through text messages sent by some friends from TUGON and a staff member of CRIBS) that Nina would be discharged the following day. God. Just another emotionally draining moment in my life. I don't know how I got through that period. I just remember rushing to CRIBS that day (running on four hours of sleep), giving the couple a ride to the hospital for Nina's checkup, and going back to CRIBS the following day for Nina's
despedida party. Of course, I was happy to know she had a better life ahead, since it's not everyday that a family here, with four biological children at that, decides to adopt a five-year-old girl who could barely speak due to cerebral palsy. Had she stayed at CRIBS longer, the staff might have had to transfer her to an institution, as they did with someone Nina grew up with. But I also knew I would miss her. For years, I kept preparing myself for the time when she would leave CRIBS and I cried just imagining what it would be like to say goodbye to her. But when the date of her discharge rolled around--August 1, 2001, to be exact--I knew I wasn't prepared and could never be prepared for that moment of letting go of a child I loved so much, a child I loved as my own. I kept fighting back the tears throughout her despedida. Part of me was also really numb. It wasn't until I left CRIBS and returned to work that I broke down and cried.
Who would have thought I would get in touch with Nina's parents several months later and see my baby again? I ended up coming here (on vacation and to try looking for work, per my mom's farfetched ideas) during the last week of August of 2001. I copied Nina's parents' address from the logbook of CRIBS, but I lost it. It wasn't until late November of that year that a close friend forwarded the address once and for all. It turned out that Nina's parents lived in Indiana. I was staying with relatives in Chicago then. I wondered if Nina's parents would care to keep in touch with me
pero kinapalan ko na lang ang mukha ko at sinulatan ko sila. Her dad got back to me and told me they would be in Chicago for a day, and invited me to meet up with them. So we got together for lunch at the Chicago Rib House (Whenever I pass by that place, it always makes me smile because of the memories associated with it.). The funny thing is, Nina's dad arranged for me to come by as a surprise for Nina's mom. And she said that was her best Christmas gift. How sweet. =) And here's the best part: Nina remembered me. When I carried her in my arms, she gave me a look I could read so well. At one point, she got off her mom's lap to sit on my lap. And when we took pictures, she copied my poses/gestures.
I'm still in touch with her family. Although Chicago and Indiana are pretty close, I don't get to see her often--once a year, if I'm lucky--because of our busy schedules. But I spent part of the holidays with them in 2002 and 2003, since I didn't go home for Christmas. I got there right in time for her birthday. Last year, I didn't get to visit them because I went home to the Philippines. But I hope to do so SOON.
Nahihiya rin ako sa parents
niya because they have a full house, with seven kids (four biological kids and three adopted kids), so I know things are always hectic for them. I talked to Nina's mom this afternoon and she said they'd be happy to have me. Since the kids don't get off school till the last week of May, she suggested I come in June. I can hardly wait.
Nina's mom mentioned that at their church service today, they remembered the moms of Nina and Janae (a girl they adopted from an orphanage in China) in their prayers. She told me she wondered if Nina's and Janae's mothers thought about the girls at all. She said she'll only know the answer in heaven.
Wala lang. My friend who greeted me for mother's day once told me that my having contact with Nina here was no accident: "
Para sa iyo talaga siya." I agree. Whenever I look at Nina's face, I feel the presence of the Creator. It's hard to explain, but I really do feel that way, literally. Seeing Nina again in another country and getting to stay at her adoptive family's house couldn't have happened by accident. I know these events were among God's greatest gifts to me.
A Mother's Day post
Happy Mother's day to my mom! And Happy Mother's day to all the mother-figures in my life (that includes my vakler friends--you know who you are), and everyone else who is either a mother or a mother-figure to someone. To everyone in my blogger's circuit, happy mother's day to you and/or your moms and/or mother-figures in life, as well.
I stayed up till 1AM and fell asleep while waiting for my sister to text me as to what time I should call home, since
mahirap hagilapin ang nanay ko kasi laging busy. I didn't get up till 1030AM so obviously, Mother's Day in the Philippines was drawing to an end. During the first couple of times that I called, no one answered the phone. My mom also didn't answer her cellphone. Good thing one of my sisters was awake, so she finally answered the phone and woke up my mom, so I got to talk to her.
Ever since I moved to the States, my mom and I have become closer, somehow. We still have our differences, but I feel I've become much more open to her ever since I came here--which is a blessing, since I was more secretive during my high school and college years. My mom is also my shock absorber. I rant about everything to her--everything from the stress of being in graduate school and looking for a job/scholarship for next year to my tsismosa and pakialamera tita based in LA (who happens to be her childhood friend). I've become more spontaneous with her to the point that I don't watch my mouth when I tell her about the options/choices I'm considering, even when she looks at things differently. And if I happen to disagree with what she thinks, I just go ahead and say my piece anyway (I've been doing this recently, hehe). I've always been too independent, stubborn, and transparent for my own good and living in the U.S. for almost three years has definitely enhanced that side of me. To some people, such attributes on my part can be a nightmare. But it's proven to be my saving grace. Otherwise, I would have become the biggest doormat a long time ago.
***
Before I went to bed last night, I sent a text message to my friends on death row in the Correctional Institution for Women (CIW), to greet them "Happy Mother's Day"--and to greet one of them "Happy Birthday" in advance. None of the inmates have cellphones, which is against the rules at CIW (although one of them recently smuggled a cellphone, which was intercepted last January). Luckily, I have the cellphone number of Ma'am Len, a security guard in CIW who is nice enough to relay my messages to the inmates. She has helped me stay in touch with my sisters in CIW, big time. During my last trip to the Philippines over the holidays, during which I visited my friends in CIW a lot and even stayed the night on death row once, I found out that she would copy my messages and hand them to one of the inmates I'm really close to. On occasion, the inmates also send text messages to their loved ones/significant others/friends through her cellphone. Once, an inmate on death row had a brother who got hospitalized and she kept in touch with her family through Ma'am Len's cellphone. I don't think Ma'am Len even charges the inmates for using her cellphone. I told some nun-friends (from the Grand Rapids Dominicans) about it when they came to Chicago last April 24th, and they said that would never happen here. Despite the recent siege of the Bicutan prison and the overcrowding of prisons in the Philippines in general, penitentiaries in the Philippines seem to be more humanitarian than their first-world counterparts. Anyway, I hope my friends on death row, whom I've come to consider my sisters and (even mother-figures, for some) got my message. They wrote me a letter, which I received during Holy Week, but I still haven't written them back. Yikes!
found herself @ 8:39 PM
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