Sexy, Innocent Child-Woman

I think I suck...

As a teacher. Help. I have 46 students (nadagdagan ng isa) of different year levels and for the life of me, I don't know how to meet all their different levels/backgrounds. Waaaaah!

I know it's the first week of school, and my friend Grace (who always talks sense into me whenever I need it the most) just told me I shouldn't beat myself up. But I still feel so ineffective. And I don't think I'm that articulate. Plus my students can see I'm pretty young and a teaching virgin at that.

Maybe I should stick to research and/or community work. As if naman may choice ako. 'Langhiyang editing na 'yan, kung bakit ba kasi tinambakan ako ng trabaho n'ung patapos na ang summer. Ayan tuloy, I didn't get to prepare that much for the semester and now I'm cramming my ass off and making up for lost time. Pambihira naman...nagtuturo na nga ako, cram pa rin ng cram.

It's almost 7PM and I haven't had lunch the whole day. No wonder I feel so sabog, for lack of a better term.

found herself @ 6:37 PM 6 comments

Loving greetings from Angola Part II

Having edited case studies till about 930PM or so (!) last night, I was pretty out of it when I went to work today. I practically dragged myself out of bed this morning. I was up by 6:30AM or so, but I didn't get out of bed till 7:30AM because my body wouldn't cooperate with me. I guess I was really tired. I tried to do some quick editing of a more problematic case study before reporting to my job at the women's archives, but the moment I looked at the pile of articles and other documents that one of the writers sent me after I asked him to indicate his sources (which, by the way, did NOT even match any part of the text that needed to be referenced), my brain shut down, and I just thought, "Screw it, I have to report to my editing job this afternoon anyway, so I'll just look at all that stuff later." I had a quick breakfast (less than five minutes) and headed to work.

I got to check my e-mail this morning, and I was surprised to see a note from Sr. V, a Filipina nun working in Angola who I met when I was a senior in high school and reconnected with earlier this month. I didn't expect her to write me so soon (if at all), since she only has Internet access when she's in Luanda, the capital of Angola (as I learned from her), and I could just imagine the many things she had to do. I was so happy that I skipped an e-mail sent by one of my close friends from high school just to read her e-mail (hehe). And the moment I read her letter, my heart melted.

She began her e-mail with this line: "Receive my loving embrace." I could have sworn I felt her hug, all the way from Angola to Chicago. How her words echoed in my mind the whole day. And how I treasured--and continue to treasure--them in my heart. Her letter just made my day. I had such a long day, lagare pa ako because I went straight to my editing job as soon as I finished my work at the archives. And I ended up staying late at the office for the nth time so I could finish editing all the case studies give to me, once and for all. But for some reason, I wasn't as tired and crabby as I was before. Something--or Someone--kept me going, and I believe Sr. V's letter had a lot to do with it. During my more impatient moments, I would recall what she said: "Receive my loving embrace," and that was a source of comfort for me. Just knowing that someone out there truly cares, despite the time and distance that separates us, means so much to me.

I'm so TOUCHED and words aren't enough to convey the depth of my feelings. I can't believe she took time out to write me and touch base with me despite her busy schedule. Her sweet letter just melted my heart. Here I am, some random person who crossed paths with her more than eight years ago and virtually a stranger, and there she was, reaching out to me in all sincerity, as if we'd known each other for a long time. I'm just so happy. =) =) =)

I told a close friend all about it tonight, and I was gushing like anything the whole time. (Mababaw ang kaligayahan ko, obviously.) He told me there are just some people with whom you share a spiritual connection that's strong enough to turn virtual strangers into friends, and I believe him. I've felt such a connection with certain people who have touched my life, and Sr. V is one of them.

God bless her. Really. Bless her heart! I hope and pray she has a safe trip to Holland and back to Angola. I look forward to hearing from her again. All this is such a gift.

***

Have a great weekend, everyone. Dops, NV, and Anonymous Diyosa ng Yahoo (you know who you are), I promise to REST!

found herself @ 6:14 PM 2 comments

For the love of God...

To all the authors of the case studies I've been editing all day (and all summer):

1) Please remember to provide the page numbers (or paragraph numbers, for online sources) of your references, so I don't have to search the remotest corners of Google for them.

2) Indicate your sources, period, so I don't have to Google the text to see which bloody corner of cyberspace they'd turn up in and match the text with the material I find online.

3) Papal encyclicals and an online secondary source such as the website of the Vatican are a LETHAL COMBINATION (no offense, Lord).

4) Federal statutes (e.g. Title so-and-so) are da syet! (No offense to lawyers and/or law students, but those things are a bitch to cite).

5) Bato-bato sa langit, ang tamaan 'wag magalit: Don't pretend you referenced legal materials directly. If you lifted the information right out of some report (which I inevitably discovered because I am the Goddess of Research and I have special Google powers), cite the freakin' report! That way, I don't have to worry about formatting legal materials in your reference lists.

6) If I ask you to provide the sources you used for your case study, please do not send me PDF files of the tax returns of the organization you studied because I don't know what to do with them, and they're not even related to what you wrote.

7) Respond to my e-mails promptly.

Utang na loob, bilang na ang araw ko kasi malapit nang magpasukan at ito pa rin ang pino-problema ko. AAARGH! My supervisor just asked me if I could extend my work and offered to pay me but because of my freakin' F-1 visa, I couldn't accept the pay, even if I agreed to do the work. I'm already teaching and still working at the women's archives, so that covers the 20-hour/week limit that I'm subject to, per INS rules.

found herself @ 5:49 PM 3 comments

Just brooding...

I called Sr. M last Saturday, at around 11:30PM, Chicago time. It was already Sunday the 21st, 130PM, in the Philippines at that time, and she was in her family's house in Bulacan, relaxing after a brief trip to the seamstress (as her sister told me when I first called her sister's cellphone). Our conversation went well. Before I called her last week, we hadn't talked that much over the past couple of months, since my sumpong, topak, and pride combined kept me from calling her once a month, as I used to do up until last year. So we had a lot of catching up to do. She told me about the people she met up with before she went home--our common friends, like Sr. Joy and Ate Sharl--and what they were up to. She also relayed some messages, like Sr. Joy's questions for me: 1) Why would it take me at least two more years to finish my Ph.D. when I'm done with coursework and I only (ha!) have special fields and my dissertation to take care of; and 2) When are we going to Antigua? (Sr. Joy has gall bladder cancer, Stage 2, but she's acting as if nothing's changed. She just told me bilisan ko na daw mag-madre so we can go to Antigua together and do prison ministry there.)

At one point, Sr. M mentioned that she still had my jacket, which I lent her last December because she had forgotten to bring one, when she was gonna stay the night in the Aeta community that we visited. (Since we ended up not seeing each other anymore after that unforgettable day in Tarlac because of last-minute cancellations from her end, she never got to return it.) "Nakalimutan ko isauli," she told me. Deep inside, I wondered how she could even have returned my jacket when I was still home, since we didn't get to see each other anymore, as I said, and I'm not sure if Sr. Joy passed by Laoag when she went to Manila (where we met up) in mid-January, since she had come from Baguio. But I just told her to keep the jacket, since she could use it when it gets cold/when she goes to a colder region in Ethiopia. Heck, it was my favorite jacket because it was a pretty shade of blue and I had only used it once before I gave it to her. But she already has it, and I didn't want to be petty, so I gave her the jacket. I think the gesture was pretty symbolic in and of itself because during the months when we weren't on speaking terms, I occasionally considered asking her to return my jacket if I ever ended up cutting ties with her. So now that I gave her my favorite, new jacket, I gave her something to remember me by. I wonder what she'd think of whenever she would wear it or even just look at it. Does she remember how we ended up getting into a misunderstanding right after I lent her the jacket?

We talked about a lot of things--everything from what I did in the Philippines (e.g. my visits and sleepover in CIW) before I came back to Chicago last January, to what she did during her last few months in Laoag, to the plans we had (e.g. my research, her upcoming trip to Ethiopia). It turned out she had heard snippets of what I was up to through common friends, like my high school guidance counsellor, who she bumped into when she and the other sisters went swimming at my high school. She told me that my guidance counsellor was surprised that we didn't get to talk when I was home, or that I didn't call her anymore; I trust that she didn't say anything about the fight we had. I could imagine the look on her face when she told me about the conversation she had with my guidance counsellor. There was a note of sadness (regret?) in her voice. Maybe it pained her to know that she wasn't as "updated" as other people about my life, when I used to tell her everything and she was one of the first people to know about what I was up to, even after I moved here.

Our conversation went well. We weren't as tense or awkward as we were when I called her last April. After the fight we had right before Christmas of 2004, that was the most spontaneous and meaningful conversation we had. I didn't feel the heaviness in my heart--and the twinge of bitterness--that used to bother me.

But just when our conversation was going well, she said something that irritated me. I was telling her about how my relationship with my dad had improved considerably during my last visit to the Philippines, and I even thanked her for all her prayers through the years. I told her about how my dad and I actually hugged the night before I left for the States--which is something that hadn't happened in 5 years or so. Ang ganda ng kuwento ko, tapos bigla siyang humirit: "Tingnan mo...Buti pala hindi ka natuloy sa Laoag."

Where that tactless remark came from, I had no idea. I got irritated because for one, the sudden cancellation of my trip to Laoag, coupled with the way she treated me at the Aeta mission area when she knew that was possibly the last time we'd see each other indefinitely, was what triggered our misunderstanding in the first place. For another, my relationship with my dad did not improve overnight, for which it was inaccurate to attribute everything to the cancellation of my trip to Laoag. Given her line of thinking, she was in effect justifying her actions--which she incidentally apologized for in February. I felt that if I bought her line of thinking and let her think what she wanted to think or hear what she wanted to hear, I would concur with her in justifying the turn of events that led to our fight. Moreover, I really didn't think the the improvement in my relationship with my dad was remotely connected to the cancellation of my trip to Laoag.

So I told Sr. M ever so bluntly: "Don't give yourself credit for anything. Walang kinalaman 'yon (ang naudlot na biyahe ko sa Laoag).

She didn't get it at first, and insisted: "Meron." Just as she was about to elaborate on her (twisted) line of thinking...

I reiterated my point: "Don't give yourself credit for anything." There was an edge to my voice, and maybe if she continued harping on the silver lining behind the infamous incident in Tarlac, I would have put up a fight.

Luckily, she dropped the subject: "O sige." We ended the conversation shortly. Okay naman kami when we hung up, but the latter part of the conversation really bothered me. And I'm sure apektado siya n'ung nagtaray ako.

Utang na loob! If anything good came out of the misunderstanding I had with Sr. M, it was that I met up with friends I hadn't seen over the past three years kasi inuuna ko si Sr. M sa mga lakad ko noon--friends who REALLY cared and made an effort to see me. My sisters in CIW especially benefitted from that. And if my relationship with my dad improved because I was in Manila for a longer time and I at least went home every night after staying out late with my friends, then thanks be to God, but no thanks to her. Besides, if she had learned her lesson well, she would have known better than to allude to anything remotely connected to our fight. That's especially crucial now, when it's only a matter of weeks before her trip and Lord knows if we'll still get to talk once she's in Ethiopia, or see each other again.

***

Pahabol: Sr. Dinah called while I was typing this entry, so we ended up chatting for the next hour or so (uh-oh! Goodbye, free minutes, goodbye!). I told her how my conversation with Sr. M on Saturday night ended on a sour note. Her instant reaction was: "Mahal mo siya, noh?" I didn't answer the question right away. Well, oo naman, kaibigan ko iyon. Of course, I love her. I love her especially because she helped me make my peace with God during that fateful weekend in Kalangitan, Capas, Tarlac three and a half years ago. I love her even if she hurts me and treats me like crap at times (most of the time). I love her and I wish I could have spent more time with her during my last visit to the Philippines and that our last moments together had at least been meaningful (read: no misunderstandings), and I'm only sorry that didn't happen.

found herself @ 6:40 PM 7 comments

Pissed

To the spammer who posted some godforsaken ad on my comment box (someone whose username was elliot24clifford), sana walang bumili ng produkto mo. Akala ko may matinong comment sa latest post ko, ka-cheapang ad lang pala. You have the nerve to say your message wasn't a direct solicitation, eh anong tawag doon? Tanga ka pala eh. Have a nice life and leave me alone.

Sorry, I'm just pissed off. Any tips on maintaining a spam-free blog?

found herself @ 8:27 PM 6 comments

Thinking aloud

I just got an e-mail from the department chairperson of this junior college--the same person who called me on Monday the 15th, close to 10PM (of all times), to ask me if I could teach at their college this fall. She said she didn't remember whether she had spoken to me about it, so she e-mailed me today to inform me that they had a recent opening for an adjunct faculty position this fall (this was after I turned her down when we talked the other night).

I'm confused. I don't know if her offering me the job again (and her forgetfulness) happened for a reason. I don't know if I should accept her offer. If I weren't on a freakin' F-1 visa and if this country didn't have freakin' strict immigration policies, I would have accepted her offer in a heartbeat because I really want to get more teaching experience, and the more classes I can teach, the better. But with my visa status, I can only teach in my school. I'm really thankful that my department offered me a teaching position at the last minute. It's one class but it will do for now. And I've come to adjust to my job at the women's archives of my school and I'm actually enjoying what I do, despite the crappy, low-tech computers, the menial/physical work involved, and the pay cut. I'm lucky my supervisor allowed me to keep my job even if I have to cut my hours this fall in order to teach (because I can only work 20 hours during the regular school year, per INS regulations). I don't know if there's a way for me to accept the teaching position off-campus but if I do that, I might have to give up working for the archives.

Maybe I'll e-mail the International Students' Office to ask them what they think.

found herself @ 12:08 PM 0 comments

Ma-drama lang

Sr. M is leaving Ethiopia in less than a month. She has a permanent appointment there, so she'll only go home to the Philippines every three years. Since I have no idea where I'll be in three years, I don't know if I'll ever see her again. It's bloody hard to get a visa to go to Ethiopia. And if I'm still based here in 2008, I might be here pag bakasyon niya. Suwerte na lang kung mag-abot kami pag nagbakasyon kami pareho sa Pilipinas. But I don't want to expect anything. Mahirap na, baka lalo lang akong masaktan. I've learned to let go of all my expectations about our friendship over the past couple of months. Now, I'm just taking it as it comes

The misunderstanding we had in December of 2004 taught me to let go. It also set the tone for our friendship (In a previous entry in February of 2005, I mentioned that I got into a fight with a nun-friend. Siya 'yon. Medyo nagkasagutan kami sa e-mail n'ung February. We're friends now, but things were kinda awkward between us for some time).

I only found out about Sr. M's departure when I received an e-mail from her last Monday. She mentioned that she was leaving for her hometown soon, so I called the convent last night. She was out, so I woke up early to call her again. Luckily, she was there. It turned out she was waiting for my call at that time. We talked before I left for work and this time, our conversation wasn't as awkward or tension-filled as it was when I called her on her birthday last April. We talked as if we never had that major misunderstanding that caused a rift in our friendship.

I'm glad I called her and I enjoyed talking to her this morning. I actually had second thoughts about calling her because after our fight, the dynamics of our friendship really changed, and we lost touch. I didn't call her as much as I did before and it's hard to explain why. For one, I just felt so alienated/ estranged from her, so I didn't feel like calling her. I didn't want to call her out of a sense of obligation and I didn't want to be a hypocrite, either. I guess I needed time and space to heal from what she did to hurt me. For another, I also got very busy, as most of my entries over the past couple of months can attest to. So time just passed me by.

It turned out she missed my calls. She's not really expressive and she can be very insensitive as a friend, so I had no idea that she was waiting for me to call her over the past couple of months until she blurted out that she once told Sr. J (who she used to live with in their community in Laoag) that I hadn't called her the longest time: "Si Diane, dati, 'pag naaalala ko bigla, tumatawag agad. Ngayon, hindi na. Mahina yata ang hatak ng Espiritu sa ngayon." (Of course she made the latter statement in jest. When she, our common friend, Ate Sharl, and I used to call each other at a time when it was most needed, she used to say: "Ang lakas talaga ng Espiritu.") She told me several times that I'd been so quiet over the past couple of months. Haha, na-miss rin pala ako n'un.

I was touched when she told me that in terms of what she's going through as her departure date approaches, I would understand her best.

I have mixed feelings about her trip. I'm happy and relieved for her because she has always wanted to serve in Ethiopia, and the processing of her papers caused her such stress. But I know I will miss her terribly. Our past misunderstandings and fights and all the times she hurt me will never change that. I know it will be strange for me to go home this December without her around.

Actually, that was something I anticipated the last time I went home. Ever since she found out about her permanent appointment in Ethiopia in April of 2004, I was prepared to go home and find that she was no longer there. When I went to the Philippines last December, intuition told me that she wouldn't be there during my next visit and that I wouldn't be seeing her for a long time. That's why I really wanted to see her and spend quality time with her. We met up two days after I arrived in Manila because I tagged along with her when she claimed her passport. We also saw each other in Tarlac that weekend because the nuns invited us to the Christmas party for the Aetas they work with. But we hardly got to talk. I was supposed to visit her in Laoag a week or so before I came back here--something we even agreed upon several months before my flight--but she suddenly canceled on me, reasoning that she was busy. She told me I could no longer visit her when we were in Tarlac--right before we were about to climb a mountain to visit one of the Aeta mission areas and about five hours before I was about to go back to Manila (in order to catch a flight to Tacloban the following day).

I understood her busy schedule because I knew that was beyond her control, but what I didn't understand was the way she didn't talk to me the rest of the afternoon. She knew that might be the last time we'd see each other, at least for the next three years, but she just suddenly became aloof and practically ignored me. Minadali pa kaming bumaba ng bundok. Even the driver of the sisters and the community organizer I was with were surprised that Sr. M treated me that way. The driver said he didn't mind hanging out at the mountain, just as long as we could talk, so when we left the place, he assumed that we had been able to talk. He was shocked when I revealed otherwise. The community organizer assumed that I would still be visiting Sr. M in Laoag, and she felt so responsible and even guilty when I told her about the change of plans kasi pwede naman daw silang magkita o mag-usap at another time, samantalang bilang ang araw ko sa Pilipinas. I had to reassure her that it wasn't her fault.

I just felt so low (like I was two inches tall), taken for granted, hurt, and just plain crappy that afternoon. The incident also reminded me of another experience with Sr. M in the recent past that caused me a lot of pain and made me wonder if I should stay friends with her. The driver and the community organizer saw me cry my eyes out as we drove away from the mountains. I cried until I got to Capas, where I boarded a bus bound for Manila. I cried on and off during the trip to Manila, and when I told my sisters Chinggay and Honey about what happened as soon as I got home. I cried while thinking about the incident and while emoting to my cousin Madelle in Tacloban. Of all my friends, only Sr. M has hurt me that much and made me cry.

The last time we saw each other, I was hoping to say a decent goodbye to Sr. M and get some closure, but she did something to hurt me, so when we parted ways, I was mad at her. It wasn't a good parting at all. I e-mailed her shortly after the incident to let her know how hurt I was. She got really defensive at first and she wasn't sorry for what she did AT ALL, to the point of blaming everything on me. She also didn't think she was leaving yet, so she didn't understand why I was making such a big deal about things. Well, she knows where I'm coming from now. It turned out I was right.

A lot has happened over the past couple of months. I've moved on with my life, and I've gotten busy with the grind of school and work. She got busy with school, practice teaching, and the errands, seminars, and certification exams she had to attend prior to her trip. We've patched things up, but it's been gradual. I struggled with our friendship, especially since I just got so fed up with the way I've always had to make an effort for her and understand/put up with her when she happens to be nine years older than me. She has apologized for the incident and owned up to her shortcomings. I've come to realize that she still means a lot to me, and I told her I didn't want our friendship to end just because I couldn't move on past our misunderstandings. She asked me to write her whenever I have the chance, but got too busy to reply when I did e-mail her. She expected me to call her from time to time, but I got too busy and was bogged down by mixed feelings, a sense of alientation or apathy, so I called her sporadically.

Part of me feels guilty about not calling her that much over the past couple of months, but I also feel I shouldn't beat myself up over it. I know I needed time and space to grieve over the hurt and to even allow myself to get mad at her. And if I had continued to call her frequently out of habit or a sense of obligation, it wouldn't have resolved anything. I wouldn't have moved on.

Sr. M is leaving in less than a month. I plan to call her this weekend while she's on vacation, and maybe I'll call her a couple of times right before she leaves. I wonder if that will make a difference, but I suppose it won't hurt to try. After all, who knows if I can call her in Ethiopia? I'd feel more guilty if I don't make an effort to be there for her while I can still do that just because I let my pride get in the way. And I know regret always comes in the end.

found herself @ 1:05 PM 0 comments

I'm feeling better but I'm sleepy

Siguro may sinat ako kahapon. I was worried whatever I had would turn into a full-blown fever, but it didn't, thank God. After I left the computer lab last night, I had to make a pitstop at a convenience store that's about two blocks south of my school to buy phone cards, since I hadn't called home for ages. To get home, I had to walk two or three blocks north, cut through campus, cross the street, and walk two more blocks heading west before I reached my apartment once and for all. Normally, all the walking I do isn't a big deal for me. It's part of living in a big city where I can survive without a car (which I wouldn't be able to afford as of now, anyways). But last night, I was shivering and the walk to and from the convenience store was semi-torture. Plus the store didn't have the brand of phonecards that I usually get (one that provides decent coverage and relatively honest advertising), which kinda pissed me off kaya medyo nagtaray ako sa nagtitinda 'cause he kept suggesting that I get some newly released phonecard even if he wasn't sure if it would have good coverage for calls to the Philippines (duh, how stupid could he get?!!). Anyhow, I think all the walking I did helped me sweat the viruses out of my system, if that makes sense.

I called our house last night and got to talk to my parents. I talked to my mom longer than I talked to my dad, as usual. Three weeks rin kaming di nakapag-chika ng nanay ko so it was good to just update her and hear her voice. After that, I slept a lot, so that also helped me feel better.

Can I just share that the department head of a community college that I interviewed for two months ago called me at about 9:50PM last night. I had just fallen asleep at that point, so I was so drowsy when we talked. (My roommate, who taught there in the fall of 2004, warned me that this person could be a little spacey, and now I get her point.) The department head called to let me know that because of sudden changes in the schedule and availability of faculty members, she could offer me two classes this fall if I was interested (this was about a month after she told me she had finished hiring for the fall). I don't remember my exact words, but I told her I was already teaching at my school this fall and I had visa issues and constraints to deal with. But I said I'd be interested next semester. She said she'd make a note of that and let me go. Good Lord. I hope I sounded coherent last night. Kasi tama ba namang tumawag siya ng alas-diyes tapos tungkol sa trabaho ang pag-uusapan namin. Wala lang. Labo talaga.

found herself @ 11:02 AM 0 comments

Feeling sick

I was supposed to update my blog, but I suddenly feel feverish, so I better head home.

It's the stress of school and work, I tell you. My thesis and internship are done, but I had to catch up on my editing work, as well as my job at my school's women's archives. The department I'm doing editing for had a visit today, courtesy of the auditor of one of its funders, so I had to finish editing as many case studies as possible, or at least make sure those that were still in draft form looked presentable. Well, most of the case studies had missing information--sources, page numbers, or both--and the authors of some cases didn't get back to me right away. Or I didn't get to contact them right away because of my studies and my other job. So I had to look for the missing information for several cases. Nahalughog ko yata ang buong Google sa kakahanap ng page numbers at publication dates ng articles, langhiya. I also had to reformat most of the cases. Eh mabusisi pa naman ako mag-edit. Lahat ng sablay at kulang, napapansin ko at di ko talaga tinatayuan hanggang sa matapos ko ang ginagawa ko.

So I worked from 10AM to 1030PM yesterday. And I also did some work this past weekend and before I went to the office yesterday. Pastilan! No wonder I feel so exhausted.

Anyway, the visit went fine. The auditors asked for copies of several case studies. I was worried because I had some minor blunders when I prepared the case study binder, but what the heck...it's done.

I better get some rest. I still have to prepare my syllabus for the class I'm teaching and for the life of me, I don't even know what textbooks to use.

found herself @ 6:39 PM 2 comments

The comic strip of my life

Hey Sis, I got an error message dun sa URL na sinend mo sa 'kin. But I did find a comic strip that really hit home. HAHAHA =) Click on the comic strip and you'll see why.

Pipol, salamat sa dasal. Natapos ko na rin ang thesis ko sa wakas. I just need my committee to sign off on it and I'm done!!! I'll have my bloody MA once and for all. Sana lang makahabol ako sa deadline. Mukhang malabo kasi medyo nasa Washington state na ang advisor ko. She signed off on the forms I Fed-Exed her last week and as of today, she sent them back to me. I just hope I get them on time because one of my readers is going out of town this weekend. Anyhow, she just e-mailed the Graduate School to explain the cause of delay, just so they don't think I'm the biggest delinquent student ever. I need to get my MA officially this month so I can teach in the fall. Professor Soul Seeker...bagay ba?

I finished revising my thesis last Tuesday. I had a paper and presentation for my internship class that was due the same day, so I just crammed the paper right after I finished my thesis. I was 30 minutes late for class and I don't know what the heck I was talking about during the presentation, but I'd like to think I managed to wing it. It turned out we didn't have to turn in our papers that night. Hmp! Had I known, I would have worked more on my presentation because I felt it lacked depth and sense (malamang!). Oh well, it's done.

Good thing I decided to revise my internship paper just the same because when I read through it yesterday and this morning, God, it did not make sense. Today was my last day at my internship and I really didn't have anything to do (and my supervisor forgot to follow up on a mini-project she had assigned to me, haha), so I just finished the paper. I finished it a minute or two before I had to leave for my meeting with my supervisor at my editing job, who also happens to be my professor at my internship class.

Surprisingly, I got high ratings on my internship evaluation. My supervisor told me she enjoyed working with me and I contributed a lot daw ***Blush*** This means a lot to me because she can be critical. She encouraged me to apply for a graduate fellowship with the foundation next year. YAY =) Too bad I didn't get to say goodbye to her because she was out at around the time I had to leave and I couldn't wait for her because I was running late for my meeting. So I just e-mailed her. Oh well, I'm sure she'll see me around because I'm gonna volunteer for the foundation.

***

I have to finish editing seven case studies in philanthropy by Monday. That's the project I'm focusing on right now. No wonder my brain is fried. And I have to start preparing for my class.

It's not so bad, though. At least my thesis and my internship are over and done with.

found herself @ 8:12 PM 6 comments

A Tribute to Roco

I was at work the day I found out that Former Senator Raul Roco had passed away. I took a much-needed break by going online, and I found out that Roco had died of cardiac arrest after battling prostate cancer. For the first time in my life, I found myself genuinely affected by the death of a politician. I was close to tears, literally, but my supervisor suddenly called for me at siyempre dapat poised ang beauty ko pagharap ko sa kanya, so napigilan ko ang luha ko.

I voted for Roco (as an overseas absentee voter) during last year's elections, even if relatives and acquaintances alike told me not to waste my vote because there was no way he would win, and insinuated that I would be better off voting for GMA to make sure FPJ wouldn't win (in retrospect: well, GMA and Garci did a good job of making sure that wouldn't happen, didn't they?). I would have voted for Roco during the 1998 elections, too, if my family and I hadn't spent the summer in Tacloban, where I'm not a registered voter. People can say what they want about Roco's temper, but of all the politicians, he was the most credible. He delivered, period. I also gave him credit for his more progressive ideas about the empowerment of women, as well as youth, in society--which stands in stark contrast to the way most of the idiots in the Philippine government undermine women's issues or subscribe to a watered-down version of feminism. I respected him for his principles, which he held on to when politicians are too quick to trade their principles for popularity, votes, and of course, concessions.

The papers say it all. Roco was the best president the Philippines never had. His passing came at a time when he was much needed. He will be missed. May he rest in peace, and may we continue his work.

Roco, hindi ka nag-iisa. Mabuhay po kayo!

***

Let me end by posting this article from the Inquirer:

Roco hailed as the best president RP never had
First posted 01:16am (Mla time) Aug 06, 2005
By Gil C. Cabacungan Jr. , Philip C. Tubeza, Michael Lim UbacInquirer News Service

http://news.inq7.net/nation/index.php?index=1&story_id=45976

THE BEST PRESIDENT the country never had, a patriot and a brilliant leader.

Crossing political lines, lawmakers yesterday showered praises on Raul Roco.

A known ally, Camarines Sur Rep. Rolando Andaya Jr., said that if history would later view Roco as the "best president this country never had, no one will contest such a judgment."

He said Roco had set "the template on excellence and ethics in public service such that future aspirants for the presidency must demonstrate proof that they are as good as him.''

President Macapagal-Arroyo, however, did not see it fit to personally issue a statement on the death of one of her rivals for the presidency last year, perhaps because a few weeks before his death, Roco had joined the clamor for the President to resign and even called for snap elections to solve the political crisis.

Instead, Ms Arroyo yesterday ordered Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye to issue Malacañang's message on Roco's passing: "We mourn the death of Sen. Raul Roco, the true patriot and freedom fighter. He was an exemplary lawyer, legislator and leader who inspired many with not just his words but with his actions. His passing is a great loss for our nation.''

Vice President Noli de Castro, who returned to the country yesterday from Saudi Arabia where he represented the country in the burial of King Fahd, paid tribute to Roco as "one of the country's ace legislators. He consistently strived to provide meaningful and beneficial laws."

Former President Corazon Aquino yesterday extended her condolences to Roco's widow and children. "I can imagine the pain they are feeling now. I would also like to thank Raul for all he had done for the country," Aquino said.

Special place in history

Former President Fidel Ramos said Roco created for himself "a special place in Philippine history ... He was a brilliant lawyer as well as an outstanding senator ... I deeply regret his passing. I condole with the family," Ramos said.

Senate President Franklin Drilon, Senate Minority Leader Aquilino Pimentel Jr., Sen. Joker Arroyo, Senate Majority Leader Francis Pangilinan and Sen. Manuel Villar mourned Roco's passing and expressed condolences to his family.

"Raul is a big loss to the country. He was not afraid to take unpopular stands, and for what he believed was right. He was not afraid to swim against the tide. And for that, Raul had a good life,'' Drilon said.

"Raul Roco was a conscientious lawmaker. He was passionate in his views. We will miss his trenchant mind,'' Pimentel said.

"Raul Roco, a giant of a leader, could but did not become President,'' Joker Arroyo said. "He left a very successful law practice and entered public service because he believed and rightly so, that for one to get his ideas on governance implemented, he must be an effective leader by being democratically and honestly elected to high public office ... He sought to combine his idealism with politics, a difficult combination, compromise being the hallmark of politics. He was uncompromising in his resistance to separate the two. That was his virtue as a true leader, his failing as a politician,'' Arroyo said of his "town mate and street mate.''

"Raul's brand of leadership is just among the many legacies that he left behind. As a candidate in the last presidential election, he was the first to concede defeat-a mark of a true gentleman and statesman,'' Villar said.

Pangilinan said Roco remained a pillar of courage and strength as he fought his battle with cancer. "He is irreplaceable as he was sincere and earnest public servant who loved the Filipino especially his home, Bicol. My prayers and thoughts are with his family as we pray for his eternal repose,'' he said.

Opposition Sen. Panfilo "Ping'' Lacson, a rival of Roco in last year's elections, praised the former senator for showing the same level of dedication in every government post he held.

At the Senate, Roco was credited with authorizing major pieces of legislation, mainly the Central Bank Act, which introduced reforms in the central banking system; and earned the moniker "honorary woman'' for his pro-women bills.

He also authored the Women in Nation Building Law, the Nursing Act, the Anti-Sexual Harassment Law, the Anti-Rape Law and the Child and Family Courts Act, among others.

Fellow presidential candidate Bro. Eddie Villanueva of Bangon Pilipinas said Roco attempted to rekindle hope in this country and bring reform to the government.

"It's equally saddening that he died at the dawn of truth, when all the lies and fraud committed against the Filipino people in last year's elections where he ran as President are being exposed," said Villanueva, spiritual leader of Jesus Is Lord Fellowship.

Few good men

Speaker Jose de Venecia said the country mourned the passing of a former colleague in the House of Representatives who was a "brilliant lawmaker and a former presidential contender who took pride in his work in advancing the rights of Filipino women and children."

Bayan Muna Rep. Teodoro Casiño said Roco was "probably the most qualified President the country never had."

His presence had been and would be sorely missed in these trying times, said Casiño.
House Majority Floor Leader Prospero Nograles said Roco was one of the "few good men'' in Philippine politics who inspired the country's youth, noting that he was a bar topnotcher and human rights lawyer.

Intellectual giant

"Senator Roco has left a legacy of kindling the fire of political idealism and activism among our youth and our women who idolize him for setting the right standard for good governance,'' Nograles said.

Albay Rep. Joey Salceda remembered Roco as a "good boss and very generous to his staff ... The country just lost an intellectual giant whose voice could have helped clarify the current anguish of our troubled national conscience. I was fortunate to have walked with one gentle giant in a landscape scattered with the debris of broken political hubris," he said.

Salceda raved about his unique ability among politicians to reduce complex issues into easily digestible ideas to help the public's understanding and ease the passage of bills; his unimpeachable decency and impeccable diligence in public service.

Department of Education Undersecretary for Programs and Projects Fe Hidalgo, who served under Roco, said the former senator was a "creative leader."

"He was a brilliant man with a good heart for the less fortunate. Despite his short tenure as Education Secretary, he was able to accomplish much, particularly in relation to the process of implementing changes which he had many creative solutions," Hidalgo reminisced.

DepEd Information Office chief Demy Manuel said Roco was a "strong and effective leader . . . He has proven this with his automated machine project. This led to the regionalization of the payroll system,'' she added.

found herself @ 6:09 PM 0 comments

My "Kissing Purity" Test

Gosh! Sometimes, I shock myself.

Your Kissing Purity Score: 40% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell... But word is, you kiss pretty well.

found herself @ 7:39 PM 1 comments

Loving greetings from Angola

No, this is not the title of a novel I want to write or a film or telenovela I want to make. This was the subject line of an e-mail I received today from Sr. V, a Filipina nun who is now serving in Angola. Her e-mail was a nice surprise. She wasn't a close friend or anything of that sort, but a mere acquaintance. I met her more than eight years ago in a resettlement area for Aetas in the mountains of Kalangitan, Capas, Tarlac, which her congregation had adopted as a mission area. I was a senior in high school at that time, and I went on an immersion in Kalangitan (the name of the resettlement area, which means literally means "heaven" in Tagalog) that weekend. She was then a junior sister assigned to the community. We got along instantly, since she was really friendly to me and my friends/immersion buddies, and I tend to talk to anyone anyway.

The funny thing is, I didn't even know she was a nun until several members of the community started calling her "Sister." Sr. V and Sr. J, the sister in charge of the area, weren't wearing their habits the day we arrived in Kalangitan because as I learned, the nuns in their congregation dress like ordinary people whenever they're at their mission areas, so as to blend in with the community--unless there's a mass or prayer service or some other "official" function. But between Sr. V and Sr. J, I knew Sr. J was a nun for sure. I simply thought Sr. V was a community worker or a volunteer at the resettlement area. She played along with me and my friends whenever we'd crack dirty jokes or utter statements tinged with "double meaning." So I was really embarrassed when I found out she was a nun. I was careful to watch my mouth from that point onward.

Because my foster family lived rather far away from the "convent" in Kalangitan (read: one had to cross a river and climb a mountain to get to our house), I didn't really get to talk to Sr. V that weekend, except when we were about to leave. However, I got to observe her in action on a number of occasions, and I still treasure in my heart all her expressions of love--for the Aetas and for us giggly, spirited schoolgirls--that I witnessed that weekend. I remember the sincerity and fervor of her prayers for the Aetas during the communion service. I remember how she listened attentively and guided us gently when we talked about our immersion experience during the processing session. I remember how she told me, after I naively pointed out how the Aetas I lived with tended to use laughter as a way of coping with everything, even their abject poverty ("Dinadaan lang nila ang lahat sa tawa" ["They just laugh everything off"]), to "dig deeper" so I could see the underlying social conditions confronting our Aeta brothers and sisters, instead of romanticizing the immersion experience. I remember her gentle response to an Indo (the Aeta term for a female community elder) who knocked on the door of the convent in the middle of our processing session: "Halika, pasok, kapatid (Come in, sister)," and the profound love in the simplicity of those words. I remember how she reached out to me and my friends and met us at our level, how she teased me and my close friend Angel because the processing session had reduced both of us to tears.

I remember walking away thinking, I were to become a nun someday, I would want to be like Sr. V. Shocking as this may seem to people who know me (especially those who witnessed my "wild girl" years), I had thought of becoming a nun/missionary when I was about 14 to 16 years old, but then the images I had of the convent life, plus the crabby old nuns at my high school, scared me at times. I also had doubts as to whether I could withstand the rigors of missionary life, since I grew up relatively sheltered and I was such a picky eater back then. However, my immersion made me realize that the missionary life wasn't too bad, after all, and that not all nuns were strict, mean, or stiff-necked. In retrospect, Sr. V's example was one of the early instances when I realized that nuns were ordinary people, too...and yes, some of them could even understand and play along with the twisted jokes of people like me and my friends.

I didn't keep in touch with Sr. V, and I never saw her after my immersion. I asked about her when my younger sister went on an immersion in the same community a year later, only to find out that Sr. V was away that weekend. I asked about her again when I went back to Kalangitan a month or so after my sister's immersion (the weekend before my final exams when I was a freshman in college), and I was told that Sr. V was attending a retreat at that time. Two months after I graduated college, I ended up contacting the nuns who ran my high school and going back to Kalangitan to facilitate an immersion for college students as part of my first job. Sr. J was still in charge of the Aeta mission then, although she was about to move on to another assignment in Laoag. I asked her about Sr. V, and learned that Sr. V had left for Mozambique (I would find out today that Sr. V went there in 2000 to study the Portuguese language for a year before leaving for Angola, where she is currently assigned).

As fate would probably have it, I've been in touch with the nuns from Sr. J's and Sr. V's congregation since then, particularly those who work in the Aeta mission (Surprise, surprise--their order also has several communities in Chicago, and their novitiate/students' community is in my neighborhood, about 10 minutes away from my apartment). Whenever I go home to the Philippines for a visit, I make it a point to visit Tarlac and stay there between five days to one week--no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Whenever I'm in Kalangitan, I wish time would stand still so I could be with my beloved Aeta brothers and sisters forever. That's how much the place means to me. But that's another story.

Anyhow, it just so happened that Sr. E, one of the nuns who works there now, worked in Angola for about 12 years. Last week, Sr. E sent out a general e-mail containing pictures of another resettlement area in the mountains of Tarlac that recently became part of the Aeta mission, and I immediately noticed Sr. V's e-mail address. I suddenly thought of e-mailing Sr. V to say hello. I didn't expect her to remember me, but I just told her when/where/how I met her and wished her well. I also told her that I still visit Kalangitan, at least whenever I'm in the Philippines, and that I'm in touch with the nuns here and in the Philippines. And surprise of all surprises, she wrote me back today.

Honestly, I'm surprised--and humbled--that she took time out to write me and that she was open to sharing her experiences in Angola. I feel like I just reconnected with a part of my life--and myself--that I never thought existed after all these years. Words can't describe how I feel. Corny as this may sound, I'm happy. And thankful.

found herself @ 7:21 PM 5 comments