Sexy, Innocent Child-Woman

Busy ang beauty ko...

Wednesday pa lang??? For some reason, I find it hard to believe that the week is only half over. I guess I'm having such a crazy, toxic week, such that I can't wait for it to be over soon. ACK!

I'm pretty busy (as usual). It's all good, though. I'll be presenting my master's thesis at three different conferences--one in Indianapolis, Indiana (scheduled this weekend; I'm leaving with a former classmate tomorrow night), another in Omaha, Nebraska (on March 30-April 2), and another here in Chicago (on April 15th). I'm usually nervous when it comes to presenting my research kasi mahiyain ako, but I don't want to worry too much this time. Anyhow, I already had the chance to "test-drive" my presentation about a month ago, when I presented at a conference sponsored by my school. That said, I still need to do a lot of preparation and fine-tuning for my upcoming presentations. As such, I won't be able to update this blog for the next two weeks or so.

Wish me luck!

God help me. All you holy men and women pray for me.

***

I swear, this semester has really gone by so fast. I can't believe we're nearing the end of March. In less than three weeks, Holy Week na. And it will be time for final exams before I know it. Tapos summer na. I can hardly wait. I had such a BORING summer last year. Wala nga akong bakasyon! All I did was work my ass off at my internship and two part-time jobs and finish my thesis. I hope to have a more interesting and restful summer this time around. I have a lot of things to look forward to.

Kung ano 'yon, hehe...saka ko na lang sasabihin, sa susunod na post ko. Pero alam na siguro ng ilan sa inyo. Ah, basta...abangan!

found herself @ 5:10 PM 17 comments

TAGay from Nang Ethel

Nang Ethel, eto na po ang sagot ko sa assignment na binigay mo. Sorry for the delay!

(I'm terrible when it comes to answering tags these days kasi busy ang byuti ko. May "backlog" pa nga ako, and some of you can attest to that, hehe...peace tayo! So for those who choose to tag me just the same, thanks for your patience!)

Here goes...

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
"re-arrange the exploitative aspects of social relationships" (in Compelled to Crime by Beth E. Richie)

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.
I just did. Hindi naman tumunog ang buto ko...LOL :)

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
I don't watch TV.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
1:50 PM

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
2:15 PM

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Someone just opened the gate leading to my building. So I just heard the gate swing open.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Yesterday afternoon. I went to the gym. I went to the grocery afterward.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
The blogs of some of my friends

9. What are you wearing?
A light blue shirt and navy blue jogging pants

10. Did you dream last night?
Yes...I had a lot of weird, vivid dreams.

11. When did you last laugh?
Last night, while talking on the phone with my friends (I talked to four close friends--one in Chicago and three in Pinas).

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
A lot of stuff: my bulletin board, a poster of a conference I presented in, a poster of the Frank Lloyd Wright home and studio, a poster and a postcard of St. Dominic (given by my nun-friends from the Gradn Rapids Dominicans), a wood carving of the Holy Spirit (given by a Holy Spirit Sister from Slovakia), a tapestry (given by another Holy Spirit Sister from India), a picture of Jesus embracing a little girl (given by a novice of the Holy Spirit Sisters), a flyer regarding the celebration of the feastday of St. Mary Magdalene, a certificate from my days as a catechist, a photo of me and my seminarian friends (magkatabi kami ng "special" friend ko, hehe), and a full-length mirror that my mom got for me after she found out that I didn't have a mirror in my bedroom for over two years...LOL :)

13. Seen anything weird lately?
Does the e-mail of a weird person count?

14. What do you think of this quiz?
It's pretty random...and fun if you have nothing else to do, I guess.

15. What is the last film you saw?
Not In Our Town (a short film on racism and religious prejudice)

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
I'd set up my own non-government organization and put up a halfway house for formerly incarcerated women in the Philippines para may mapuntahan ang mga babaeng bagong laya...dream ko talaga 'yun, promise! I'd also buy a private jet so my friends and I could easily fly to our beloved Pilipinas.

17. Tell me something about you that I don’t know.
I'm a simple person with simple dreams in life. I'm discerning whether I should become a missionary--hindi ko lang alam kung saan at papaano ko gagawin 'yon.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I'd abolish the death penalty--and eradicate all other inequities in the criminal justice systems around the world, while I'm at it.

19. Do you like to dance?
Yes, I do.

20.George Bush...
He stole the presidency in 2001 and continues to wage an unjust war in Iraq.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Agnes

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
John or Francis

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
I'm already living abroad.

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
"Welcome home, my child."--with matching mahigpit na yakap

25. 4 people who must also do this meme in THEIR journal:
Mga kalaro ko sa habulan dito sa blog-world--Anonymous na Maganda, Anonymous na Makulit a.k.a Darna a.k.a Dyesebel, Anonymous na Stokwa a.k.a. Anonymous na Bobang Pinay, and Mommy Ann

TAGay na!

found herself @ 2:31 PM 12 comments

Letters from Prison (Part 3): Death Row

(For a background of this post, read my previous entries.)

Because I've been so busy with school and work and so much has been going on in my life lately, I haven't had the chance to write about my sisters on death row in the Philippines, Ate V, Ate S, and Ate H, and the letters I received from them. Well, guess what...I received more letters from them today (pinagsama-sama nila ang mga sulat nila sa isang envelope, tapos pinadala ni Ate V). What a nice surprise! I just mailed my letters to them in mid-February, and they responded so quickly. I was so touched. I was even more touched by the message on the flap of the envelope: "I LOVE YOU DIANE FRIEND." Aww...




I'm so humbled by everything. They have so little, and they have so many concerns to worry about, and yet they took time out to write me. They never fail to reach out and express their concern for me in their own special ways. All of them reminded me to take care of myself and to find time to rest despite my busy schedule. They also assured me of their prayers. I got so teary-eyed when I read their letters, and if I didn't have to rush to a work-related function this afternoon, siguro humagulgol na ako noon. As I write this, naiiyak na naman ako.

The letters of Ate V, Ate S, and Ate H reveal a lot about the pain and suffering they confront on a daily basis, but also speak of resilience and hope. Their example attests to three realities: 1) that people can be better; 2) that there are a significant number of wrongful convictions, at the expense of the poor; and 3) that the social structures that perpetuate poverty and injustice are most liable for the situation of prisoners. Ang hahaba ng mga sulat nila, so I'll just share excerpts of their letters.

"There is a magic cure for people in pain when a message from a true friend is expressed through writing."--Ate V

"Nalulungkot lang ako sa mga anak ko. Gusto ko sa isang bahay na ulit kami, sama-sama."--Ate H

"Being prisoners, we easily cry. That's our newly acquired feeling. Dahil noon, Amasona kami pero ngayon maamong tupa na. We have wandered in the wilderness for far too many years and the journey wasn't good, so here we are, being molded to be righteous."--Ate V

"Mag-iingat ka diyan. 'Wag mong pababayaan ang 'yong sarili. Mahirap ang nag-iisa kaya ingatan mo ang iyong kalusugan. Mahirap magkasakit, lalo na at nag-iisa ka lang. Mag-asawa ka na kaya? Hehe. At saka ang puso mo, ingatan mo 'yan. Dahil nandito sa Pinas ang may-ari niyan diba? Hehe, joke! Pero tinood baya (Pero totoo naman talaga)!"--Ate S

"For the nth time, while I am sorry that I have suffered so many losses, I am grateful that all the sorrow, pain, frustration have transformed my life and made me spiritually and emotionally richer each day."--Ate V (on her recent experience of being left by her husband a year or so after her incarceration)

"Alam mo day, may lumabas na balita dito sa Pinas tungkol sa death penalty. Sabi ni Pres. Arroyo baka raw alisin na ang parusang ito o di kaya ay babaan na ang sentensya. Kaya masaya kami ngayon. Ipagdasal mo kami day. Para naman marinig ng nasa taas."--Ate S

"We'll continue praying for our freedom. Naks naman ha, pero totoo talaga na we have Faith in GOD na lagi Siyang nandyan para sa atin."--Ate H

Whenever my friends in CIW confide in me, I actually consider it very sacred. And I'm so blessed because they look out for me. I could go on and on about their plight, but I'll stop here. For now, I treasure their letters and the times we've shared and ponder everything in my heart.

found herself @ 10:45 PM 12 comments

Back to reality

I just parted ways with my Groovy Sisters (a term coined by my discernment buddy, Susan Rose) a few hours ago. I was supposed to go home last night, but I ended up staying with them for one more night. And although I had planned on visiting only two of their communities--that is, their postulancy center and their novitiate/student's community--for different activities, I ended up visiting all their communities in the Chicagoland region over the weekend. Sr. R and Sr. L had to go to the main convent yesterday to visit an elderly sister who is currently in a critical condition due to brain cancer (she could go anytime). I tagged along with them. And last night, after the get-together at the novitiate, Sr. D suddenly invited me to stay the night at their house, which is close to downtown Chicago. It was totally on spur of the moment. She had driven me home and we were outside my apartment building, waiting for the rain to subside before I got out of her car. She suddenly asked me if I wanted to visit their place para tuloy ang kuwentuhan namin and suggested that I sleep over. I accepted her invitation, since I had to go downtown this morning to run some errands, anyway.

So my weekend turned into one big reunion with my Groovy Sisters. And everything worked out perfectly. I actually accomplished a lot of things yesterday. When I was at the motherhouse, I was able to meet and/or visit several elderly and/or sickly nuns, including the former teacher of one of my nun-friends in the Philippines (so tapos ko na ang assignment ko). I also got to visit and catch up with Sr. LH, an 80-something nun who once lived in the novitiate (which is close to my apartment), but moved to the main convent upon her retirement. That was the best thing that ever happened to me. Sr. LH and I have this unexplainable bond between us. I don't tell her all my deep, dark secrets (ibang madre ang nakakaalam n'un, haha), but there's no mistaking the closeness we share. She's always been supportive of my studies and my volunteer work, and she never fails to encourage me simply by saying, "God bless you," or "God bless your work." It turned out she'd been looking for me for the longest time. She actually planned to attend the gathering at the novitiate yesterday afternoon just so she could see me. She was already there on March 10th, but she had to go back to the main convent after she heard the news about the terminally ill sister. She was worried that we would miss each other again, so she was so happy when I showed up at the convent. When I found out about that, sobrang nakonsiyensya ako.

I used to visit my nun-friends a lot (at least twice a month), but I decided to lie low last year after one of the sisters started to pressure me to enter the convent here sooner than later. It wasn't my first misunderstanding with anyone from their order, and it wouldn't be the last one, either (as my last vacation in the Philippines attests to). At any rate medyo tinopak ako kaya "nagtago" muna ako sa mga madre. (Ang bad ko noh?) I took my struggles out on them in so many ways. By the time I came to my senses, they were pretty busy and we couldn't really find time to get together. I know Sr. LH was affected by my sudden "disappearance." She didn't know what was going on with me, but she always wondered why I didn't visit them or keep in touch with them as much as I used to.

Last night, I looked back and reflected on the struggles I went through in terms of my life direction and my relationship with certain sisters. Even the spur-of-the-moment sleepover at my nun-friends' house was a blessing in and of itself because I got to talk things over with Sr. D, my most trusted nun-friend. Our sharing helped me put things in perspective. I totally admit my faults and I'm willing to take responsibility for my actions. I'm just sorry my actions affected people like Sr. LH, who had nothing to do with my struggles or my rifts with the other nuns. I need to face my issues squarely. Regardless of the decision/s I make in life, I won't let things get in the way of my relationship with the nuns.


While I was looking at the bulletin board in the motherhouse yesterday, I came across a list of women who the sisters have been in touch with (some of them are discerning the religious life). Sr. MW, a retired sister, suddenly came up to me and said: "I've been praying for everyone on the list. And I pray extra hard for some of them." She gave me a knowing look and smiled. "I've been praying for you extra hard," she continued, without skipping a beat. "I pray that the Holy Spirit will give you that extra push."

"Lord knows I was pretty scared during my time," she recalled. "I didn't know what I was thinking, but I kept on. The Spirit gave me the push I needed. I pray that you'll be given the courage you need."

I was so speechless. I just smiled and gave her a hug. Before we parted ways, she told me she would see me around.

What can I say? Makulit ang Diyos.

found herself @ 12:35 PM 4 comments

In the convent for the weekend

Greetings from Waukegan!

I am currently at the formation house of my nun-friends. I arrived here yesterday and I'm staying with them for the rest of the weekend. It's a welcome respite from my usual routine and my stressful life. Prior to this weekend, I hadn't seen them for several months, so we had a lot to catch up on. Haha, pinuyat ko ang isang madre dito kagabi. We stayed up till 12:30AM or so because we had so much to talk about.

Right now, I'm enjoying the present moment and just hanging out and doing nothing with my nun-friends. Kailangan ko ring mag-recharge ng kaluluwa ko paminsan-minsan.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend. Take care! Will bloghop when I go back to Chicago.

found herself @ 2:31 PM 9 comments

Women's Day Musings

Happy International Women's Day to all women in the world!

Happy Women's Day to all the women in my life--my mom, my sisters, my grandmothers, my aunties, my cousins, my friends...of course, that includes my blog-friends!

Sa lahat ng bumati sa akin, thank you!

To all men who support and/or work for women's rights in their own ways, thank you for being in solidarity with us. Let us continue to work for a gender-sensitive world. Rock on!


Since today is International Women's Day, allow me to share one of my favorite poems, entitled Kasalo (Dinner Partner) by Dr. Joi Barrios, a renowned poet/playwright, professor, and activist in her own right. This poem (which includes an English translation) appeared in her book, Ang Pagiging Babae Ay Pamumuhay Sa Panahon Ng Digma (To Be A Woman Is To Live In A Time of War).

Ang babae ay hindi kaning inihahain
sa mesa ng matrimonya
ilniluluwa kapag maiinit at takot kang mapaso,
sinasabawan ng kape sa umaga
kapag ikaw ay nagkulang
at itinatapong tutong
sa kanyang pagtanda.

Ang babae ay hindi karneng
dinuduro at kinikilo,
ginigisa ang laman sa iyong mga pangako,
nilalaga ang buto sa iyong pagsuyo,
at ginagawang chicharon ang balat
upang maging pulutan.

Ang babae ay hindi halalyang
panghimagas sa iyong kabusugan,
inuming pampatulak sa iyong katandaan
o putahaeng nilalaspag tuwing may handaan.

May tiyan rin siyang kumakalam,
may sikmurang kailangang mapunan
at pusong dapat mahimasmasan,
kasama mo siyang nagtatanim ng maisasaing,
katuwang na naghahanda
ng almusal, tanghalian at hapunan,
kaharap at kasalo sa kinabukasan.

Dinner Partner

A woman is not rice
served at the table of matrimony,
disgorged when hot and you fear the scalding,
diluted with coffee in the mornings of your want,
discarded when burnt in her old age.

A woman is not meat fingered and weighed,
flesh sauteed in your promises,
bones boiled in your wheedling,
and skin crisp-fried for your appetizer.

A woman is not dessert
you eat when satiated,
a cool refreshment in your old age,
a course devoured during parties.

She has her own belly that grumbles,
stomach that needs to be filled,
and a heart that needs affection.
With you she gathers food,
prepares the meal,
and shares the same table of tomorrow.

Ultimately, women's rights are human rights. Gender disparities affect everyone, even men. But that's another story.

found herself @ 12:17 PM 8 comments

Vigilance, my friends!

(NOTE: To all those who voiced their opinions in response to my last post, thank you for sharing where you're coming from. I respect your views. This post reflects my own position. You are free to skip this entry as you see fit.)

I just found out that GMA lifted the state of emergency in the Philippines today. Thanks be to God...but no thanks to her. It's about time she did that, for crying out loud. Proclamation 1017 was rife with contradictions, to begin with--considering that GMA's lapdogs acknowledged that they had preempted the coup attempt staged by disgruntled members of the military. Indeed, much has been said about the extent to which the declaration of a state of emergency is the ghost of Martial Law.

Don't get me wrong. I am strongly against the coup plot of power-hungry factions of the military, which I believe is a serious matter. And I will not support any sort of military junta under any circumstances. But I also strongly oppose the Arroyo administration's blatant attempts to curtail civil liberties and to suppress any form of dissent on the part of ordinary citizens, political interest groups, and sectors of civil society, who cannot be faulted for thinking critically! In a similar vein, I condemn the assault on press freedom, rendered "legitimate" under the damning Proclamation.

The turn of events following the declaration of a state of emergency illuminate the extent to which the powers that be will stop at nothing in order to further its hegemony. One has only to consider the following events: the warrantless arrests and/or violent dispersal of the demonstrators (who were practically on their knees); the arrests of the likes of Randy David, Atty. Argee Guevarra, and Representative Crispin Beltran, and the threat of arrest directed at party-list Representatives Satur Ocampo, Liza Maza, Teodoro Casino, Joel Virador, and Rafael Mariano; Defensor's smug statements about the government's "ability" to take over public utilities, "even media facilities," if need be, under the terms of Proclamation 1017; the issuance of guidelines for the media, which implicitly prohibited the airing of unflattering stories about the government; and the raid of the Tribune. Can you say "human rights violations," anyone? Ironically, all these took place 20 years after we Filipinos gathered together and risked our lives in order to boot a tyrant's ass out of Malacanang and reclaim our democracy. Indeed, the latest beneficiary of People Power turned her back on the spirit of EDSA.

In lifting Proclamation 1017, GMA's actions were not motivated by public concerns about the impact of the state of emergency on the economy, let alone the exercise of people's democratic, constitutional rights. Her indecisiveness regarding the matter, manifested in her reliance on the assessment of Cabinet officials, reinforces this point. It is crucial for us to keep informed, to be wary of the administration's next moves and any attempts at whitewashing.

So what happens now? Do we simply "move on," as if no constitutional rights were violated, in the same way that significant numbers of people chose to "move on" after finding out about the "lapse in judgment" that led to the infamous conversations between Ma'am [GMA] and Garci? Do we simply "move on," as if nothing happened, in the same way that many of us "moved on" after the impeachment attempt against Her Highness was quashed by her minions in Congress?

To remain apathetic in the face of oppression is to consent to our own oppression.

Hindi pa tapos ang laban.

found herself @ 11:37 PM 9 comments