"Pigeonholes are for pigeons."
I browsed through my friend M's blog, and ended up checking out her friend's blog as well. Funny, some of M's friends don't know it but I've been reading their blogs, which are really interesting. These girls also happen to be bi, so we're on the same wavelength--that is, if I'm really bi.
I dunno. I thought of answering this quiz online after reading the blog of one of M's friends and guess what...I scored as a lesbian. The quiz was taken from QuizFarm.com--Are you bisexual (girls only)?
You scored as Lezbian.
you are lezbian! you aren't bi, you like vagina and only vagina!
Lezbian
83%
Somewhat bi
42%
Totally Bi
42%
STRAIGHT
25%
Whaaat? Just when I thought I'd embraced my newfound identity as a bisexual woman, this is what I find out? I know I used to identify as a lesbian when I was in college, but I fell for certain guys (T, W, and Papa R, among others). I just didn't want to admit it then because I was pretty damn sure I was a lesbian, but later on, I just had to admit to myself that I did like guys, too. It just so happened that I didn't fall for typical macho guys. Instead, I went after sensitive, caring guys and if the guy happened to be religious/spiritual, that was my ultimate weakness. A year or so after I graduated from college, I didn't feel comfortable identifying as a lesbian anymore and I came to own my attraction to the opposite sex. I also learned to own up to my mistakes--like the times I hurt certain guys, like T and N, and missed out on the opportunity to get into a relationship with the opposite sex because I had pigeonholed myself as a lesbian.
Padre Ferriols once said, "Hindi maaaring ikahon ang meron." Or something to that effect. Hindi rin maaaring ikahon ang sistema. Kapag hindi na gumagana, palitan ang sistema. (Hey Don, I remember Philo 101 and 102!) So by the time I turned 22, I didn't want to label myself as being of one sexual orientation or another. I started falling for guys more from that point onward, although I didn't date anyone. But I didn't even want to use the word "bi" for a time because of my issues with it. I eventually learned to accept my sexual orientation as it is.
I recently shared my realizations about my sexuality and my shortcomings in terms of labeling myself as a lesbian with Grace. Her only comment was, "Pigeonholes are for pigeons." And I agree with her. Being a sociology major, I know that sexuality is fluid. However, we're socialized into thinking and identifying ourselves as either heterosexual or gay/lesbian. Bisexuals are misunderstood, in a lot of ways. They're seen as kinky, promiscuous, fence-sitters, confused, and to top it off, people who are just pretending to be bi so they can have the best of both worlds.
I love who I love. I learned the hard way the pitfalls of labeling myself as a lesbian. Therefore I will not let gender/sexuality get in the way of the relationships I might have in the future. That is not to say I would ever date a guy and a girl at the same time. That's cheating, period. Stick to one naman ako.
The funny thing is, I might as well be asexual because I haven't had a relationship for so long (except for the short-lived one with R). Heck, I haven't had you-know-what for almost 5 years. Hehe =)
Thank God It's Friday
I can't believe the week just went by so fast. That's how my life in Chicago has been for the past couple of months, though. I guess that's what happens when you're working 2 jobs and studying at the same time.
I just finished my stats assignment, so I'm totally BRAIN-DEAD. I e-mailed it to my professor an hour late, but he still accepted my work as "on time."
May sablay nga lang. Excuse the jargon, but he can't see the arrows showing the causal paths connecting the variables in the models I constructed (Did I say excuse me for the jargon?). So I either have to send another version of my assignment with the arrows or leave a hard copy with the arrows and causal paths all drawn out in his mailbox by Monday. I've chosen to do the latter.
Langhya, kinareer ko ang paggawa ng regression models,
pati 'yung pagmarka ko ng direct and indirect paths
ko tapos ayaw lumabas sa attachment? I tried doing the arrows again, though, but Word will only read it in a certain format. I think my prof would be able to see the arrows if he prints my file or views it using a different setting, though. I won't tell him
na lang kasi baka sabihin niya sumosobra na ako.
This day has been so crazy, with all my plans falling apart. I didn't finish my homework by the time I had to leave for work. I got to our field trip late because my tita (Mama's childhood friend) in LA suddenly decided to give me a call, just when I was in the middle of explaining the relationship between education, income, age, number of kids, and occupational rank and property value. To top it off, I left my flash drive on my desk. Ang tanga-tanga ko, grabe. I had already taken it out of the computer, but I still left it on my desk! I guess that's what happens when you've been sleep-deprived for days. I meant to bring my thumb drive to work so I could e-mail my homework from the office or a nearby computer lab, but nooooooo, I just had to leave it in my apartment. Guess what that meant? I had to rush home after the field trip just so I could finish up my assignment and e-mail it. By the time I got done with it, it was too late to go back to the office or to even go to the talk at the Lake Shore Campus that we had the option of attending.
So under-time na naman ako this week. Dang! After making up all my hours last week!
Ayoko nang mag-make up
ng oras, parang awa niyo na. I hope D and A don't think I'm turning into a delinquent. I do have a work ethic, but shit happens.
My other plan was to meet up with Elizabeth, my good friend who was in town for a brief visit, before she went back to Michigan this afternoon. We were supposed to have lunch, but that fell through because of stats and because she didn't get to the downtown area till 1PM-ish anyways. We met up yesterday, but we only talked for 2 hours. Before that, the last time I saw her was last June. She has so much stuff to tell me pa naman, so I feel I let her down. She's been very understanding, though. She assured me, "Stuff happens." She was one of my first friends at Loyola and my first roommate. We also went through discernment issues together, and right now, I feel she's moved forward while I'm either paralyzed in my discernment or at the pointing of wanting to revert to my
"buhay-Magdalena" stage. She said she might come back within the next few weeks (hope that's true), and I'm going to Michigan for spring break anyway, so I hope we'll find time to meet up soon. I miss that girl. =( She told me about something new in her discernment--she feels called to the contemplative life daw, and she wants to apply as an aspirant. I won't tell the nuns here na lang because I don't want to preempt anything. But I still can't believe it. We used to joke about what we'd do if one of us ended up in the monastery, and we even talked about how we'd smuggle notes through the bread. Who would have thought that might come true? I would have wanted to hear her story, so I hope we get to talk about it sometime.
Anyway, I'm not making much sense. At least my stats assignment is done. I only have to print it out and mark out the causal paths by hand if they don't show up in the printout. Other than that, I don't even want to look at my assignment. To hell with stats, hehe.
***
I'm not on speaking terms with a Sr. M, who used to be one of my closest friends.
Kainis lang because she's dragging other people into the misunderstanding we had when I went home to the Philippines for a visit last December. I'm so irritated at the way she's making it seem like it's my fault--for not understanding her, for focusing too much on myself, whatever. All I can say is, my outbursts don't happen in a vacuum. If I get hurt, get mad, and give someone a piece of my mind (be it verbally or via e-mail), it's because someone did something to hurt me, piss me off, and make me want to give her a piece of my mind. I'd like to think I'm nice at mahaba ang pasensya ko, but once someone provokes me, watch out...
hindi ko titigilan 'yung taong 'yon.
***
Grace just e-mailed me about this talk tonight by Dr. Noel Ignatiev, the guy who wrote
How the Irish Became White. The talk is entitled "The Invention of Race: Palestine: A Contemporary Example." How nerdy. After Johnna leaves, I think Grace will be one of my few sociology close friends left. Next to Katrina, of course.
I miss Johnna already. I feel so strange without her here, and she's only in Wisconsin for the weekend.
Everybody's leaving me. =(
Of reprieves and words of encouragement
I'm supposed to be pulling an all-nighter to finish my statistics assignment (WAAAAAH!) that's due tomorrow, but I just found out my professor gave us an extension till Friday, 3PM because he's still feeling sick and he wasn't around for consultation last Friday. So I'm taking a minute to update my blog. God is good--not because my professor got sick but because he was nice enough to give us an extension. God knows I could use the extension. I had such a full weekend because I presented at my school's "A Calling to Justice" conference last Saturday (and got a $50 Barnes and Noble gift card) and went to Johnna's going away party later that evening. I didn't get home till past 2AM or something, so I slept in on Sunday morning and I didn't get to work on the assignment till 4PM. And last night, Katrina and I went grocery shopping and we ended up talking for a bit after we got home (aside from replacing the light bulbs in the kitchen and my lampshade and having dinner, that is). Since I babysat for Gabriella yesterday, I was sooooo tired last night, so I passed out (translation: fell asleep from exhaustion) at around 9PM. I got up at 6AM, but I fell asleep again and didn't wake up till 830AM or something. I got to work on my stats assignment this morning but God knows how slow I am with numbers. So I'm really glad I got an extension.
On the other hand, had I known we were gonna get an extension, I would have gone to the get-together at my nun-friends' place in Rogers Park last Sunday, or done an interview with one of the house managers at my thesis site. But hey, I'm not complaining. I can't thank God enough for the extension.
Speaking of extensions, my course-mate Kristin gave me till Friday to turn in my nomination for Dr. Judy Wittner, the graduate program director of the Sociology program and one of my favorite professors. I was supposed to turn it in yesterday, but it slipped my mind, what with statistics and all. So yeah, God is good.
I hope I can babysit till 4PM tomorrow, since I'm not meeting with the undergrads I work with at my assistantship (they have a talk to attend or something). N's dad usually comes in at 1PM now because I have to leave by 1PM on Wednesdays in order to make it to my 140PM meetings. I know the change in my schedule is on short notice, but I hope N takes me up on my offer. Paalis na rin lang naman ako. By the way, I finally told N yesterday I won't be able to babysit for Gabriella anymore because I need to focus on my master's thesis. She told me, "You gotta do what you gotta do." And she said Gabriella would miss me. I know I'll miss Gabriella, too. I know I used to bitch about babysitting in the past because there were times when I couldn't deal with N's personality, but she's all right now. We actually get along much better. And Gabriella is just the sweetest baby ever. Although she has her moods, it wasn't difficult to take care of her at all. There were times when I felt underpaid, since I've heard the going rate for babysitters is $10-$12/hour (or even $12-$14/hour) and I'm only getting $8/hour, but still my babysitting job wasn't a bad racket. I know I should focus on my schoolwork and my other job, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do. Goodbye raket muna ako.
***
I spoke with the dean of the School of Social Work during the reception for the Bachelor's of Social Work and Philanthropy Certificate Program (of which I'm a student) this afternoon. He gave me invaluable advice on how to deal with my life as a Ph.D. student. Apparently, someone told him the same thing when he was getting his doctorate. Here goes:
#1. You only have to do this (get your doctorate) once.
#2. It will get done.
#3. Celebrate every achievement.
He has no idea how much I needed to hear those words. I've been feeling burned out with school and work since last semester and there have been times when I wondered if I should just quit (although my good friend Grace told me I'd be an idiot to quit now). So I'll keep going and by the grace of God, I know I'll get my Ph.D.--hopefully, before I turn 30.
"Do what love demands."
Loyola put on a production of Dead Man Walking and Grace and I went to the opening night last Friday. It was GREAT. I haven't read the book or watched the movie yet, but I was really moved to tears by the play. Since I used to visit the death row inmates at the Correctional Institution for Women (CIW) in the Philippines and I still take time out to visit them whenever I go home, I could relate to what Sr. Helen Prejean went through/continues to go through in her prison ministry. There were also elements of prison life that were portrayed in the play that reminded me of what my friends in CIW, especially those on death row, were going through--the way death row inmates would smoke to pass time, especially since they were gonna die anyway, the boredom, the loneliness, the isolation from their families, the way inmates would fight back their tears and any show of emotion to appear strong, especially in front of their loved ones, the stigma that comes with being incarcerated, and most of all the claim that they were innocent. When I stayed the night in death row last January, it gave me the chance to become more in touch with the experience of the inmates I visit and I felt their pain more closely--although I recognize that I could never fathom their experience because I've never been incarcerated (and I hope never to experience such, and I don't wish it, even on my worst enemy).
Sr. Helen Prejean was there and I got to meet her, which was a dream come true. She talked about her new book after the play, and I asked her what her ministry was like. She gave me invaluable advice about prison ministry--that is, to attend to the inmates according to what their needs are (e.g. plead their case if they're innocent), listen to them, walk with them, treat them with dignity, and simply to "do what love demands." She told me it's like doing what you would do in any other relationship, and I totally agree with her. Her words resonated with my experience.
So I'll keep on doing what I do. I found my calling in being there for the inmates in CIW, especially those on death row.
Thank God for early dismissals
I just got dismissed from my statistics--almost an hour early. YAY! That means I have more time to work on my stats homework or my thesis (
eh ano itong ginagawa ko?).
I finished up my last interview for my thesis. Praise God.
Sana tuloy-tuloy na 'to. And I've realized how the residents and staff at my site (a halfway house for female ex-offenders) like having me around, somehow. One of the newer residents whom I interviewed last Sunday asked me when I'd be going back there. And the lady I interviewed today told me to give her a call tomorrow.
On my way out, another resident stopped me because she was concerned that she had done something to offend me. Some of the residents have been talking dirty to me and even hitting on me (good Lord. Freaky talaga) and so I finally had to tell the director about it last week. I guess she brought it up during their last house meeting without naming any names and threatened them with instant dismissal the next time they "play with" a volunteer (slang for joking around with someone
pero birong may laman). D, this resident who had asked me if I was gay in the past before she came out to me, got concerned that she had offended me. She was about to apologize in case she offended me but I told her I wasn't offended by that kind of question because it was neutral anyway. What I didn't and still don't like is the way other residents would ask me if I was still a virgin (none of their damn business), if I was having sex at the moment, or if I got laid in the Philippines. I get really embarrassed with the way they'd use all these words or terms that I could never even use, even if I do have a pottymouth sometimes (most of the time?), and these very graphic depictions of sex that I can't even fathom, even if I'm not as naive and innocent as other people think (especially in this country). I don't know if I'm turning into a prude or I'm much more prudish than I thought I was. But I actually get embarrassed for the ladies.
Anyway, L, the house manager, was there so good thing she came to my defense. She stressed how I went to the house to do my research and nothing else, and how they shouldn't use such language around me or ask such personal questions, period. She mentioned that they may be ghetto with each other and even with her, but not with me. At least I understand now where those ladies were coming from. My mom was right--it's really the culture. Once, I complained to my mom about the situation and mentioned how the CIW inmates on death row never used foul language with me or disrespected me. She simply replied, "It's the culture."
Basta, I hope things are settled and that no one at my site talks dirty to me anymore.
Tapos.
Pissed
Well, my class tonight wasn't as bad as I feared. My professor can be the biggest nag in terms of pushing us to get our readings done and assigning other work besides, but she wasn't so prepared tonight so she said she would let us out early. Well, early for her meant letting us out at around 8:05PM or something. If Loyola's shuttle service ran more frequently instead of every 20 minutes, that would have been fine. But my oh-so-great groupmate L just chose tonight to ask us if we could get together sometime to talk about our project and the discussion questions my teacher asks us to answer every bloody week. And my other equally great groupmate N just chose that moment to make one crappy excuse after another about how she couldn't do a meeting after class and to suggest we just do a conference call either on a Monday or a Friday. And the sucky thing is, it took her so damn long to explain how her bloody suggestion should work, and it took everyone else so damn long to agree on something. I just wanted to tell everyone, all right already, whatever, I gotta go, drop me a line, see you later. And the whole conference call schedule doesn't really work well for me because if we were to do the conference call on a Monday, it might conflict with my faith-sharing group schedule and if we were to do it on a Friday, I might be either working late hours at CURL or on my way to my thesis site. By the time we agreed on something and parted ways, it was 8:15PM--and by the time I got to the area where I wait for the shuttle, the shuttle had left. Piece of crap. Suddenly, I just hate my groupmates.
So here I am, bitching about things while waiting for the shuttle to come. Sometimes, people just suck big time. They think the whole world revolves around them and their petty little lives, without realizing how they impinge upon other people and that the person sitting quietly next to them has so much on her plate, working her ass off, balancing the demands of two jobs while being in school full-time just to survive in this country that intentionally treats foreigners like crap and doesn't give a shiet about how they get by.
Aaargh!
Grrrrrr. I could have "
raket"-ed today, but I took a pass on it. Part of me wants to kick myself right now. Natalie called me at around 7AM to ask if I could come in and watch Gabriella today because Colleen (Gabriella's other babysitter) was sick. I had to work at my other job (my assistantship) for at least 4 hours and do an interview at my thesis site, so I turned her down.
Sayang! I could have worked out my schedule at my other job and just finished making up the hours I missed another time. And what pissed me off the most was that my interviewee rescheduled the interview at the last minute. I was on the bus, 15 minutes away from the site, when she called to ask me if I could either come tonight after 7PM (I said I couldn't make it because I have a class from 6-830PM.) or tomorrow afternoon.
Kainis! I braved the downpour and wasted my time just for nothing. I'm so mad because I called her before I left for my site and she said to come on over so I got my ass over there as soon as I hung up the phone. The least she could have done was call me right after we talked, so I wouldn't have had to make the trip there.
I know I'm supposed to focus on my schoolwork and my assistantship. But I can't help but get pissed because I could have earned some extra cash today but I gave up that opportunity because of other commitments that didn't materialize anyway. After keeping my good and noble intentions in mind,
eto ang kapalit?
Paksyet (sorry, I'm really ticked off).
My blog is still alive!
Testing...testing...my blog is still alive. I got really busy towards the end of the summer of 2004, and the Fall 2004 semester was a toxic one for me, so I never got to update my blog. And given the way I can be semi-illiterate when it comes to technology, I totally forgot my username and password--hence, my long absence along the lines of information technology. But that's over now. I recovered my username and password--obviously.
God, so much has happened in my life over the past couple of months. I don't even know where to begin. Some updates:
1) My relationship with R was short-lived. As in. Thank God I used my head and realized it was too soon for us to be together, kasi may sabit siya n'un (I'm being careful here). I also wanted to see if he was sincere enough to wait for me to be ready to be in a relationship with him. I got an answer to my question, but it wasn't what I had hoped for. It turned out he was just a smooth-talking asshole. Hehe, after he texted me this line during a heated argument: "Isumpa ko man ang pamilya ko, mahal kita, Diane!" Syet, ang drama! All caps pa 'yung text niya ha. I wish I had saved his text message to embarrass the crap out of him. He found someone else when we were supposedly in that in-between stage and just cut me out of his life. He didn't even have the balls to tell me what happened so all along, I believed it was my fault for being busy. Then one November afternoon, 30 minutes before my class, I checked his Friendster account and pieced things together (thank God for Friendster!). Did I cry after finding out about him and his new girlfriend? I almost did but I held back my tears and they never came after that. I'm just sorry our friendship had to end, as well. Hello, I'm not a kid. He could have told me he found someone else and realized it wouldn't work out between us anymore, and we would have stayed friends. But since he chose to cut me out of his life, there's nothing I can do. I can't change people or situations. I can only change myself.
2) I found a roommate a week or so before I went home to the Philippines last August. She is the best roommate ever =). And she's bi, too--so we're on the same wavelength. Thank God for working things out. I'm happy because I have a roommate and a friend in her. She's not sure where she'll be in the fall, but I hope to God she sticks around because I don't know what I would do without her.
3) Johnna is leaving for Taiwan in April! =( She'll be teaching English there for a year. I'm happy for her because she figured out what she really wants to do, and I'm touched because she said it all started with our becoming friends (which expanded her horizons) and her visiting the Philippines last August. I will miss her terribly, but I can't keep her from her journey. Yeah, my life in Chicago will be much more lonely after she leaves.
4) Three of my nun-friends who once lived in Rogers Park have since left for other assignments in other countries. Sr. Beata is currently preparing for her final vows in Australia, and Sr. Xaveriana and Sr. Julita have since left for Antigua, where they've been assigned on a permanent appointment. I MISS THEM. =( They were among the nuns I was really close to. The Rogers Park 
community isn't the same without them.
NOTE: The picture was taken at the Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago in June of 2004. My friend Tomo (from Japan) was here for a visit then (she stayed with me for three weeks) and Sr. Beata (who's also from Japan) wanted to meet her, so we went to the zoo and hung out there for a day. I'm with Sr. Beata (on my left) and Sr. Xaveriana (on my right).
5) I had some financial issues last fall so I ended up working a second job. I started babysitting for a 2-year-old girl last September. What an experience! I used to complain about how low the hourly wage was, but it's still extra cash and that has to count for something. And no matter how low the pay is, it's still a lot if you convert it to pesos and multiply it by 55 or 56 times, depending on the exchange rate.
6) I went home to the Philippines again last December. I was there for 5 weeks. Haha, people say ginagawa ko daw Cubao/Quiapo ang Pilipinas--meaning parang Cubao-Quiapo lang daw ang biyahe galing Chicago papuntang Pilipinas. I had such a blessed time there. I didn't go around as much as I did in August (no trips to Laoag and Cebu this time around), but I still enjoyed my stay. I ended up staying in Tacloban for almost 10 days. I got to visit Tarlac twice, during my first and last weekends in the Philippines. I insisted on going back there because I wasn't able to go to Kalangitan (the resettlement area closest to my heart) the first time I went there. And once I went back to Manila, I visited Correctional Institution for Women (CIW) a lot--as in! I stayed the night there once, in the death row dorm. In fact, I spent more time with the inmates on death row than I did with my other friends and I don't regret it because my friends in free society will always have me or have an easier time keeping in touch with me. For once, I came back without any regrets or hangups about my vacation. And that just makes me miss home even more. =(
7) School is toxic. 'Nuff said.
8) I'm having second thoughts in terms of my discernment for so many reasons.
found herself @ 2:13 PM
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