Sexy, Innocent Child-Woman

More thoughts about my sisters on death row--Part 2

Warning: This is another long entry. I get really passionate whenever I write about issues concerning women on death row in the Philippines or the death penalty.

Hey everyone, check this out. Rina Jimenez-David wrote another column about women on death row in the Philippines. It was published in today's issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer.

I must say, it's quite moving to read about my sisters on death row--especially since the points made by the researchers quoted by Mrs. Jimenez-David resonate with everything I've observed and learned during all my visits to Correctional Institution for Women (CIW).

Indeed, when people think about the death penalty, they tend to focus on the men, not the women. Women on death row tend to be invisible within the criminal justice system. Their unique concerns and needs remain unheard. These include: 1) caregiving for their children; and 2) counseling and redress for experiences of abuse and violence.

I know from experience and research that most women prisoners were the primary caregivers of their children (or even nieces and nephews) prior to their incarceration--so their incarceration affects their children the most. A significant number of incarcerated mothers, such as my friends in CIW, continue to look out for their children, even if they're behind bars. I know several women on death row who take on different jobs in the prison compound (e.g. making rosaries, selling food and/or phone cards, working as the "orderly" of an inmate with more money) just to earn some money, which they could send to their children.

Based on my interactions with currently and formerly incarcerated women and my research, I also know that the majority of women offenders have experienced physical, sexual, verbal, and/or emotional abuse, be it during their childhood or their adulthood. This is related to their involvement in illegal activity or even their implication in offenses committed by their husbands or partners (e.g. drug-related cases). The stories of Ate L, Ate E (a battered wife who was incarcerated for shooting her husband), Ate M (who took the blame for her husband's drug case...although her husband ended up leaving her!), Ate S (who was implicated in the murder case of her partner, even if he insisted she was innocent and he alone was to blame for killing a man because they were fighting over another woman), "Catherine" or Mama C, and many other incarcerated women, can only attest to that. Indeed, the criminal justice system discriminates against them on account of their gender. After looking at the bigger picture, I cannot fathom how the Philippines could justify the imposition of the death penalty, against these women in particular.

President GMA announced the commutation of all death sentences to life imprisonment on Easter Sunday. But guess what? By law, the blanket commutation of death sentences applies only to those whose sentences were affirmed by the Supreme Court (Mautak rin itong si GMA [GMA sure is a crafty woman]). Before I left the Philippines, there were 33 women on death row, nine of whom had convictions that had been "affirmed," either by the Supreme Court or the Court of Appeals. Only five inmates benefited from the blanket commutation of death sentences. The rest of the women continue to live under the specter of death (It's so heartbreaking because in her letter attached to the birthday card that she and the other inmates sent me, Ate S assumed the "wholesale commutation" of death sentences applied to her and everyone else on death row. She'll be disappointed when she finds out otherwise). For the death penalty still exists, by law. As such, people need to continue lobbying for the repeal of the death penalty.


Addendum:

On a more positive note, I just came across an article in the Inquirer announcing that more than 1,500 cases against minors in the Philippines would be dismissed by the new Juvenile Justice and Welfare Act of 2006. Praise God! It's about time we had a juvenile justice bill in place. The article mentioned that the law has a retroactive provision, which means that adult inmates who were minors at the time their offenses were committed could benefit from it. I hope to God that my friend D benefits from the new law. She was arrested at the age of 17 and tried as an adult for her involvement in the kidnapping of an elderly woman who was later released unharmed. To this day, I still cannot fathom how the judge who sentenced her to death refused to lower the sentence, despite the evidence regarding her age. Amnesty International even lobbied on her behalf but she remains in CIW, where she has been detained for the past eight years. She is far from a violent offender or a hardened criminal. In fact, she's one of the more quiet and easygoing inmates on death row. I just hope her wish--that she be given the chance to start anew--would be granted.


I miss my sisters in prison even more. Syeet. Hay...I know I'll see them in a month. I'm getting restless, though. I just want to be with them in times like these, when significant discussions about their welfare are going on. Ganito lang talaga ako (This is just the way I am). I guess I just love them so much. I'll just write them to pass time.

By the way, if anyone is interested in becoming "pen-friends" with my friends in CIW, let me know. My sisters on death row always look forward to receiving letters. So I just thought I'd ask around. For details, you can e-mail me at silver[underscore]scrawl[AT]yahoo[dot]com.

found herself @ 9:19 AM 13 comments

More thoughts about my sisters on death row--Part 1

While browsing through the Philippine Daily Inquirer website, I came across Rina Jimenez-David's latest column, which is about a woman on death row at the Correctional Institution for Women (CIW). Check it out!

The column features the story of "Catherine," one of the four death row inmates included in a case study commissioned by Philippine Human Rights Information Center (PhilRights, or "Human Rights," in CIW parlance) and Women's Education, Development Productivity, and Research Organization (WEDPRO). The case study is part of a book entitled Invisible Realities, Forgotten Voices: The Women on Death Row from a Gender and Rights-based Perspective. I can't wait to get a hold of this book!!! In fact, I feel like calling my sisters in the Philippines and asking them if they could buy a copy of the book for me. (I really want to do something like this for my dissertation. Please, God!)

I had heard about the PhilRights/WEDPRO research project the last time I stayed the night in the death row dorm. For Mama C, one of my close friends on death row mentioned that she, along with three other inmates, had been interviewed for this study. And I think I know who the real "Catherine" is--I believe she and Mama C are one and the same person. I won't elaborate on what I know. Suffice it to say that I know Mama C well enough to recognize how her background matches that of "Catherine" in Mrs. Jimenez-David's column.

I have fond memories of Mama C. She has a strong personality, and she sure doesn't mince words. Grabe rin siya mang-alaska ng mga inmates na ka-close niya, tulad ni Ate M, ang best friend nya (she teases the inmates she's close to, like her best friend, Ate M, mercilessly). But behind her "tough," headstrong facade is a tender-hearted woman with a wacky sense of humor. She remembers every little thing I share about my life here in my letters to her and my other sisters on death row. During my visits to CIW, she would always offer me cigarettes or merienda (snacks). She also let me use her bed when I slept over in CIW the last time I was home. And she is the reason why I ended up sleeping in CIW not once, but twice, before I came back here--during my second to the last night in the Philippines, at that.

I was surprised because I didn't talk to her that much in the past. But when I said goodbye to her at the end of my visit on January 8th, she suddenly begged me to sleep in their dorm again on Saturday the 14th (I had slept over the previous week). I initially declined, explaining, "Ma, paalis na po ako. Sa [January] 16 ang alis ko. (Ma, I'm about to leave the Philippines. I'm leaving on the 16th [of January]."

"Eh sa 14 ka naman matutulog dito. May dalawang araw ka pa naman bago ka umalis (But you'd be sleeping over on the 14th. You'd still have two more days left [to yourself] before you leave." Hehe, tumawad pa siya (She sure knew how to strike a bargain).

"Ha (Huh)?" I was speechless. She had a point.

"Sige na, matulog ka dito sa 14, ha? Sige na. Ha? (Please sleep over on the 14th, okay? Please?)" Tears welled up in her eyes.

"Magpapaalam pa po ako sa nanay ko (I still have to ask permission from my mom)," I said to her as she wiped her eyes. I didn't want to see her cry.

Weirdly enough, my mom allowed me to stay the night on death row again, even if it was my second to the last night in the Philippines. And she broached the topic the morning after Mama C begged me, in tears, to sleep in their dorm one more time before my return flight to Chicago. It turned out my mom was expecting me to do just that. On the day of my last "sleepover" in CIW, Mama C was so happy to see me. She just gave me a big hug and handed me a cigarette, grinning sheepishly.

I still remember the heart-to-heart talk we had during my last night on death row. We talked about everything from her life before and during her incarceration to her hopes of being released from prison in time. We even shared our concerns about Ate B, a former inmate on death row who was acquitted in 2004 after spending nine years in prison and who still seems alienated from free society (I don't blame her).

Mama C also criticized the attempts of some inmates (especially those belonging to faith-based groups) to come to terms with their incarceration by rationalizing that they could focus on their past mistakes and become closer to God in prison: "Anong pinagsasasabi nila na, 'Prison is paradise?' (What are they talking about when they claim, 'Prison is paradise?') This place is hell." And she gave a rather elaborate description of the hell that she and the other inmates were in: "Paradise ba 'yon, 'yung pupunta ka sa kitchen (kung saan nila kinukuha ang "rancho" nila) tapos 'yung kanin, merong ginupit na kukong may Cutex pa? Paradise ba 'yon, na makita mong may tentacles ng ipis 'yung pagkain mo? O kaya may lizard? (Is it "paradise" when we go to the kitchen [for rations] and we find that the rice has someone's nail clippings with nail polish to boot? Is it "paradise" when you see your food has the tentacles of a cockroach in it? Or a lizard?)" She went on to cite the case of Lola (Grandma), an 83-year-old inmate on death row who had recently found such objects in her rice.

It was a heartbreaking conversation. What could we do when there seemed to be no answers to all our questions? All I could do was listen to her...and pray for her and with her, if only to accompany her in her brokenness. In the prison cell I shared with them that night, I faced the reality of her powerlessness--and my own powerlessness.

found herself @ 8:52 PM 6 comments

Manic Monday to the nth power

Forty-eight down, thirty-three more to go.

I'm referring to the final grades I need to compute. I just turned in the final grades for one of my classes, after grading exams and last-minute extra credit reaction papers like a maniac the whole day. (That's what I get for putting it off, haha.) Now I have to check the final exams and late papers and compute the final grades for my other class. Good luck na lang sa akin, especially since there's more red tape involved in submitting the final grades of my students at the other school where I teach. I need to turn in their attendance records, too (para silang high school students).

My only consolation is that I'm leaving for Honduras soon. I have so many things to take care of before I leave--work options to choose from for the coming school year, teaching loads to finalize, chores, bills to pay, and other last-minute errands. But I'm looking forward to my trip. I desperately need a break.



Despite the many things on my to-do list, I'm not as stressed out as I usually am at this time of the year. I even went somewhere yesterday, instead of just slaving away at my desk.

Where did I go? I visited the Maryknoll Sisters, who live on the south side of Chicago (kabilang dulo ng mundo [at the opposite end of the world], considering where I live). For the past couple of months, I've been corresponding with Sr. N, the vocation director, who is a Filipina based in New York. She was in town last weekend, so she asked me if I could drop by their house yesterday, before she returned to New York. It was so nice to finally meet her in person yesterday.

It turned out Sr. N knows my friend, Sr. K, the vocation director of the Grand Rapids Dominicans in Michigan. It's so funny because just last Saturday, Sr. N and Sr. K attended this workshop. Sr. K told Sr. N that she once referred me to the Maryknoll Sisters and told me to get in touch with Sr. N. Sr. N told Sr. K that she would actually be seeing me the following day. What a small world.

I thought I'd just talk to Sr. N, but I ended up meeting and hanging out with the other sisters, as well. I joined them for prayer and listened to everyone's vocation stories. One of the candidates [novices] is also a Filipina; she knows my Pinay (slang for Filipino) nun-friend here--small world talaga. And I actually met their other candidate [an American] in passing last year, at a Native American spiritual center that I once worked with (she volunteers there at the moment). It was good to see her again. I had a good conversation with her, as well as another sister, Sr. S.

For some reason, while talking to the sisters yesterday, I felt like I'd known them for a long time. And they remind me of the congregation where most of my nun-friends are from, my erstwhile Groovy Sisters, in so many ways. Hmm...I wonder what that means.

I'm happy I have new nun-friends. They invited me to visit them again, and I'll be happy to do just that. For now, I'll just live the questions that have been running in my mind--and heart--until the answers crystallize.

found herself @ 4:35 PM 7 comments

Happy Mother's Day!

I know it's only May 12th in my side of the world...but it's already Mother's Day in the Philippines, where you will be in a few hours (as I write this, my mom on her way back to Manila, after a two-week vacation in Singapore). So...

Para sa mga kapatid kong bilanggo sa CIW at 'yung mga kapatid kong katutubo sa bundok ng Tarlac, lalo na 'yung mga nanay-nanayan ko (marami sila): HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY sa inyo at sa inyong mga nanay (para sa mga walang anak)! Ang pagmamahal niyo ang siyang nagbibigay-lakas sa akin.

To all the other mother-figures in my life--relatives, teachers, madretiks, and friends alike--HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

And to all my online friends around the world: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to you and/or your moms! Cheers!

I may not have any biological children, but somehow, I've had a taste of motherhood (tikim lang!), thanks to an angel who came into my life--Nina.
If you want to know more about Nina's role in my life, click on this.

My beautiful baby

The Reunion--December 8, 2001 (I saw Nina again, this time in the States, four months after she was adopted. This is one of the greatest miracles of my life.)

Me and my baby (New Year 2004 in their house in Indiana)

I don't know if I'll ever have kids for my own reasons (I don't feel "called" to the married life. And maybe I'm too much of a free spirit to settle down). But I know Nina will always be my daughter in spirit. No one can take that away from me. I feel so complete because she's (still) a part of my life and my very being. I am contented knowing that I was there for her and that I helped take care of her when she didn't have a mother to call her own. I only get to see her once a year and I miss her terribly. But I know my love will always be with her no matter what.

found herself @ 4:59 PM 13 comments

Masama ang loob ko

Babala: May mga hindi kanais-nais na salita dito. Kung minor de edad ka o ayaw mong makabasa ng mura sa blog ng may blog, 'wag mo na lang basahin ito.

Babae ako. Bata pa ako. At sino bang makakalimot na dayuhan ako sa lugar na ito? Hindi madali ang buhay ko dito dahil sa mga nabanggit na aspeto ng aking pagkakakilanlan. Dahil sa istruktura ng lipunang ito, ang aking kasarian, ang aking edad, at ang aking lahi ang siyang nagiging dahilan para api-apihin at tapak-tapakan ako ng ibang tao.

Ganoon na nga ang nangyari sa akin ngayon. Inalimura ako ng dalawang tao dito--isang guro sa departamento na kapitbahay namin (lalaki siya, puti, at may edad) at ang sekretarya ng departamento na kinabibilangan ko (babae siya, puti, at may edad na rin). Itago na lang natin sila sa pangalang BG (Buraot na Guro) at AS (Asungot na Sekretarya).


Panahon na para sa kahuli-hulihang pagsusulit ng mga estudyante ko para sa semestreng ito. Dapat bukas pa ng hapon ang eksamen nila pero nakiusap ang ilan sa mga estudyante ko kung pwede daw nilang kunin iyon ng mas maaga. Iba-ibang dahilan ang binigay. Nagpakahirap akong magreserba ng silid-aralan na gagamitin para sa magkaibang araw at inalimura pa ako ng taong tinawagan ko. Sa awa ng Diyos, may nakuha rin kaming kuwarto. Hindi nagtugma-tugma ang mga iskedyul ng mga estudyante ko kaya naglaan ako ng oras noong Martes at ngayong araw na ito para lang magbigay ng eksamen sa kanila. Kahit kinailangan kong bawasan ang oras ko sa isa kong trabaho para sa linggong ito, ginawa ko iyon para hindi na nila ako kulitin (masyado yata akong mabait at mapagbigay).

Para sa araw na ito, ipinareserba ko ang silid-aralan mula alas-onse ng umaga hanggang alas-tres ng hapon. Sa umaga lang kasi pwedeng kumuha ng eksamen ang ibang estudyante; ang iba naman, sa hapon lang libre. Wala namang naging problema sa mga estudyanteng kumuha ng eksamen kaninang umaga. Pero noong tanghali, habang sinisimulan ni K, ang isang estudyante ko, ang eksamen, biglang pumasok si BG sa kwarto, dala-dala ang kanyang baon. Nang malaman niyang nakareserba ang kwarto para sa amin, nagalit siya, sabay hirit: "Hindi ito dapat nakareserba kapag oras ng pananghalian." (Sinabi niya 'yon sa Ingles.) Nanliit ako. Tama bang pagsalitaan niya ako ng ganoon sa harapan ng estudyante ko?! Akala mo may pinapagalitan siyang bata, eh guro rin kaya ako! Malay ko ba na eksklusibong tambayan nya at ng mga kasamahan niya ang silid-aralan na iyon? Eh ang silid-aralan na iyon ay nakalaan para sa pagbabasa at pagkaklase...hindi para sa mga naghahanap ng lugar kung saan sila pwedeng mananghalian. Putang ina, may sarili namang opisina, mesa, at upuan ang hitad. Bakit di na lang siya kumain doon?

Dahil nag-iisa lang naman si K at ayoko ng gulo, nagpasya na lang ako na huwag na lang gamitin ang kwartong nakareserba para sa amin. Hinabol ko si BG at sinabi ko sa kanya na gamitin na lang niya ang silid-aralan na inaangkin niyang tambayan. Sa bandang huli, nagdesisyon ako na kunin na lang ni K ang eksamen sa opisina ko dahil meron namang bakanteng mesa.

Pag-alis ni K, dumating naman si N, isa pang estudyante ko. Dahil hindi siya sumipot sa oras na sinabi niya (dapat alas-onse ng umaga), hindi ko inasahan na darating pa siya kaya nawala sa isip ko na abangan siya sa labas ng opisina ko. Pumunta si N sa kwartong nakalaan para sa amin. Nalito siya nang makita niya ang mga gurong nagtipon-tipon doon kaya hinanap niya ako. Nagkataon na nasa pasilyo si AS. Sinabi niya kay N na pumunta siya sa opisina ko. Iyon nga ang ginawa ni N. Ipinaliwanag ko sa kanya ang nangyari. Hindi naman siya nagreklamo noong sinabi ko sa kanya na kunin na lang niya ang eksamen sa opisina ko.

Habang sinasagot ni N ang eksamen, biglang pumasok si AS sa opisina ko. Ni hindi siya kumatok. Ni hindi rin niya tinanong kung pwede ba niya akong makausap. Tinalakan niya ako sa harapan ni N. Ilan daw ba ang estudyante ko at bakit hanggang alas-tres ng hapon ang reserbasyon sa silid-aralan? Ano bang paki niya, eh pinayagan naman kaya ako! Ginawan rin ng isyu ni AS ang hindi ko paggamit ng silid-aralan noong mga sandaling iyon--eh ginawa ko naman kaya iyon para magbigay-daan kay BG. Sinabi ko na tapos nang kumuha ng eksamen ang karamihan sa mga estudyante ko. Ayoko nang humaba pa ang usapan. Nang makita ni AS na mag-isa lang si N na sumasagot ng eksamen, siguro naintindihan niya ang punto ko. Sinagot rin niya ang sarili niyang tanong at bigla na lang siyang umalis. Pero lintik, napahiya talaga ako sa tono ng pananalita niya. Punyeta, kung makasalita siya, akala mo tatanga-tanga ako. Muntik ko na siyang murahin pero pinigilan ko na lang ang sarili ko dahil nandoon si N--kailangan kong magsilbing modelo para sa estudyante ko. Ngunit nasaksihan ni N kung paano ako winalanghiya ni AS.

Pagpasok ko sa isa ko pang trabaho kanina (oo, lagare ako sa trabaho), kinuwento ko sa bisor ko ang nangyari. Saka ko lang nahinuha na ganoon ang trato nina BG at AS sa akin dahil babae ako, bata ako (kung ikumpara mo ako sa ibang guro), at dayuhan ako, hindi puti. Iyon rin ang pananaw ng bisor ko. Kung ang kaharap daw ni BG ay kapwa lalaki na kasing-edad niya o mas matanda sa kanya at kalahi niya--lalo na kung puti-- malamang, hindi siya mag-iinarte. Sa kaso naman ni AS, nabanggit ng kasambahay ko dati na masama talaga ang ugali noon sa mga hindi puti, pati nga sa mga may kapansanan. Kung tratuhin daw niya ang mga taong hindi puti o may kapansanan, akala niya ay tatanga-tanga sila at wala daw talaga siyang respeto sa kanila.

Nakakalungkot isipin na bagamat tinuturo ko sa mga estudyante ko na may iba't ibang uri at anyo ng diskriminasyon--ayon sa kasarian, kulay ng balat, lahi, at edad ng tao, at iba pa--hindi ko maipagtanggol ang sarili ko kanina habang inaalimura ako ng mga taong akala mo kung sino porket puti sila at nakatatanda sila sa akin. Iyon ang iniyakan ko kanina.

Pasensya na, masama lang talaga ang loob ko dahil sa engkwentro ko kina BG at AS. Wala naman akong ginawang masama pero agrabyado pa tuloy ako. Hay...sana lumipas rin ito.

found herself @ 8:08 PM 18 comments

Honduras, here I come!!!

New passport--->check (I had to get my passport renewed for this trip.)
Honduras Visa--->check.
Anti-malaria pills--->check.
Vaccination for typhoid--->check
Antibiotics --->check
Fee for the immersion--->check (There goes a huge chunk of my savings!)

Well, I'm not leaving for Honduras till May 22nd. But I'm so happy--and relieved--because as of today, I have everything I need for my trip. I took the day off to apply for my visa and to get my anti-malaria pills, typhoid vaccine, and antibiotics (in case I get sick). While taking care of all these requirements, I sure looked like a chicken running around with its head cut off. I didn't even have a decent meal till I got home at around 5PM; I just had a cup of coffee for breakfast and gummy worms while I was on my way to the Honduras Embassy and the travel clinic. Tsk, tsk.

The process of getting my visa was an adventure in and of itself, what with all the things that went awry. Although I woke up at 5:45 AM, I fell asleep and didn't wake up again till 8:15AM. Que horror! I suddenly realized that I had to photocopy my I-20 form (a document for international students here) and print a copy of my itinerary. I also had to reprint my visa application form because I suddenly couldn't find it. So I had to pass by my school to print and photocopy all the documents I needed. Since I was running late, I decided to take a cab. Well, the cab driver got the street names mixed up, so we took the "scenic route" and there was a lot of traffic along the way. To top it all off, during the cab ride, I realized my passport pictures were missing! I could have sworn I slipped the pictures inside my purse before I left, but I guess I didn't do that after all. I panicked because I didn't know where I could get my picture taken. Also, I wasn't wearing a collared shirt (although I had a blazer), so I didn't know whether or not my picture would be accepted at all. Good thing there was a Walgreens close to the Honduras Embassy, and my attire wasn't an issue. Sheesh. I can't believe how scatter-brained I was today.

Something freaky happened on my way to the Honduras Embassy. After I had my picture taken at Walgreens, I had to take a bus to the embassy. While I was waiting for the bus, this guy suddenly pulled up and told me, "If you need to go somewhere on Fullerton (the street I was on), I could give you a ride." Inulit pa niya ang sinabi niya, tapos kakaiba ang ngiti niya (He even repeated what he said, with a knowing smile). As if I would take him up on his offer. I might have been desperate to get to the Honduras Embassy sooner than later, but I'm pretty damn street-smart.

The time it took to process my visa was pretty reasonable. The biggest challenge was communicating with the staff there. Some people mistook me for a Honduran (haha), so they were surprised to find out otherwise. They had to look for someone who could speak English, since I only know basic Spanish. The consular officer was really accommodating--parang tatay ang dating niya. He assisted me when I filled out the new visa application form (it turned out that they were no longer using the form I downloaded from the internet) and talked a lot about the conditions in Honduras. When he found out that my background was in teaching and social work, he told me to consider working in Honduras: "We need people like you." Before I left, he gave me his card and told me to send him pictures of my trip. Who knows daw, maybe I'll go back there in a year or two or even consider working there. But I have to master Spanish first.

It turns out my Honduras visa is also valid for entry into El Salvador, Guatemala, and Nicaragua. I wish I knew someone in El Salvador, Guatemala, and/or Nicaragua so I could go backpacking in Central America. Oh well. There's always next year. Gallivanting is fun!

What will I be doing in Honduras? I, along with several other students from my university, will be volunteering at an orphanage for children with HIV/AIDS for 10 days. I hope we also get to do some sightseeing while we're there. The trip is sponsored by the University Ministry, which sponsors domestic and international service trips--dubbed Alternative Break Immersions (ABIs)--during Sprink Break and in the summertime.

I'm just thankful that I get to participate in this trip. People actually have to go through a selective screening process in order to participate in any of my school's service trips. When I applied to go on either a domestic or international ABI for this year, I was waitlisted--even if I had gone on an ABI (in Pilsen, a Mexican neighborhood in Chicago) during my Spring Break in 2003. In mid-March, the chaplain of the University Ministry suddenly informed me that a slot for the Honduras ABI had opened up. I had mixed feelings because I was all set to go home on May 15th and I had even booked my ticket. I also had to figure out how I would pay for the trip. But my intuition--and my sisters and friends--just told me to go for the trip, and to trust that the universe would work things out. That's exactly what happened. I had to pay to rebook my flight; my plane fare is also more expensive kasi peak season na pag-uwi ko sa Pinas. But the University Ministry gave me partial funding for the trip, and we also held fundraisers to help defray the costs. So things did work out.

I may have given up more than a month of my vacation in the Philippines for the trip to Honduras, among other things (Since my cousin is getting married here on June 23rd, I also need to stay for her wedding after I get back; if I were to miss the wedding, I know my aunt would get really melo-fucking-dramatic.) But I know it will be worth it. Who knows, maybe the trip will open up new directions for me as I continue my soul-searching. Maybe it will shed some light on some issues and questions that have been on my mind for years.

***

I talked to my mom (who is currently in Singapore, visiting my younger sister) tonight and told her about all the errands I had to take care of for my trip. When I told her that I'd be taking anti malaria pills for the next four weeks or so and that my vaccination for typhoid would be good for the next five years, this is what she had to say: "Ayan, tamang-tama 'yan para sa pag-uwi mo. Kasi pag-uwi mo dito, pupunta ka na naman sa Tarlac. At least handa ka na pag umakyat ka ng bundok. Kahit maraming lamok at kung anu-ano pa doon, protektado ka. (That's just so timely for your vacation here. Because when you come home, I'm sure you'll be going to Tarlac [a province in the northern part of the Philippines] again. At least you'll be prepared when you go up to the mountains. Even if there are a lot of mosquitos and whatnot there, you're well-protected.)"

Hehe :) That's my mom for you!

***

If I don't update this blog, it's because I'll be busy grading final exams and papers and computing final grades. I also need to prepare for my trip to Honduras!

found herself @ 11:59 PM 8 comments

Scholar ulit ako!

I got the fellowship I applied for. From September 1, 2006 through August 31, 2007, I will be working as a research fellow for a foundation in Chicago, where I did my internship last summer. I found out about it a few hours after this issue came up. What a wonderful surprise! Truly, when God closes one door, God opens a window. Time and again, I've seen how God really provides for me. I'm so blessed.

I'm just really happy and thankful that I got the fellowship because I get a tuition scholarship, in addition to a stipend. Scholar ulit ako, yehey! I'm so relieved. I was a research assistant for two and a half years, but my fellowship expired at the end of the Summer 2005 semester (and I practically had to negotiate to get my summer tuition covered just so I could do my internship, which was the last class I was required to take for my Ph.D.). I wasn't funded this past school year, which is why I've been working my butt off and juggling two or three part-time jobs at a time. So the fellowship I just received means the world to me. Salamat sa Diyos, di ko na poproblemahin kung saan ako kukuha ng pambayad ng tuition para sa susunod na school year. (Thank God I don't have to worry about how I'm gonna pay my tuition next school year.) And I can focus on my school work more (which I can't do if I teach so many classes). I'm also really happy about doing research and working in a non-profit setting again.

I still have to straighten things out with my school's International Students' Office--that's part of all the restrictions and red tape associated with a student visa in this country. And I still have to figure out--and discern--which class(es) I can still teach and which class(es) I need to give up next semester so I won't have too much on my plate. But somehow, I know everything's gonna be all right. I'm so happy!

I have so much to be thankful for. I am truly blessed. God has been so good to me, lagi Niya akong sinasalo (God has always been there to take care of all my needs.) Wala na akong hihilingin pa (I couldn't ask for more.)

found herself @ 9:33 PM 15 comments

Mixed feelings

Waaah!!! :( Malapit na akong mabawasan ng isang trabaho.

Nag-usap pa lang kami ng bisor ko sa isang trabaho ko (sa archives) ngayon lang. Pagkatapos ng summer, kailangan na daw niyang kumuha ng ibang tao. Sinabi niya naman 'yon sa maayos na paraan. Sa darating na pasukan sa Agosto, kailangan daw niya kasi ng taong pwedeng magtrabaho ng dalawampung oras sa isang linggo. Magagawa ko sana iyon kung hindi ako nagtuturo dito. Ngunit nagtuturo ako dito (at pinagmamalaki ko 'yon). Dahil nakasaad sa bisa ko na hanggang dalawampung oras lang ako pwedeng magtrabaho sa isang linggo sa loob ng regular school year, kailangan kong bawasan ang oras ko dito 'pag regular na semester. Alam ng bisor ko na magtuturo ulit ako sa darating na pasukan. Kaya nagpasiya siya na humanap na lang ng ibang empleyado.

Siguro praning lang ako pero naisip ko kanina, baka hindi siya nasisiyahan sa trabaho ko. Baka kulang ako sa focus (aminado naman ako na ganoon ako minsan). Pero natutuwa naman siya dahil mabilis daw akong magtrabaho. Tsaka parang kailan lang, noong Pebrero yata, tinanong pa nga niya kung may plano pa raw akong magtrabaho para sa kanila pagbalik ko galing sa Pilipinas. Siya na mismo ang nagsabi na masipag ako magtrabaho at ayaw daw nila akong pakawalan. Hay...ewan. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagbago ang ihip ng hangin pero alam ko na may dahilan iyon.

Siguro nagkaroon ng isyu sa budget. Dapat kukuha siya ng isa pang tao pero baka hindi naaprubahan 'yon. Naiintindihan ko naman na mas maganda kung mas maraming oras ang pwedeng bunuin ng isang empleyado dito. Nabanggit rin niya na naisip niya na magiging busy ako sa pagtuturo at pagre-research ko sa darating na pasukan. Totoo naman 'yon. Sa tingin ko, wala naman talagang personalan ang desisyon ng bisor ko. Nagpasalamat pa nga siya kanina dahil ang dami ko daw nagawa sa mga buwan na inilagi ko dito. Masuwerte rin ako at pinagbigyan pa akong magtrabaho dito ng isang taon, kahit labing-apat na oras lang ang inilalagi ko kada linggo (at lagi pa akong nahuhuli o kaya undertime 'pag puyat o busy sa pagtuturo, hehe).

Hindi ko maipagkaila na halo-halo ang nararamdaman ko sa ngayon. Naisip ko, mabuti na rin siguro 'yon para matutukan ko ang pag-aaral ko. Nariyan ang lungkot at nakokonsiyensiya rin ako dahil alam ko slacker ako minsan. Nariyan rin ang pangamba. Sana masuportahan ko pa rin ang sarili ko sa pamamagitan ng (mga) natitira kong trabaho.

Hindi naman ako pinabayaan ng Diyos kahit kailan. 'Pag nawawalan ako ng trabaho, may dumarating na kapalit. Tuwing nangangailangan ako ng pagkakakitaan, may dumarating naman na raket. Paulit-ulit kong nasaksihan iyon sa buhay ko. Alam ko na may mga options naman ako para sa susunod na taon. Nag-apply ako para sa isang research fellowship. Hinihintay ko pa ang resulta ng interbyu. Kung hindi ko makuha ang posisyong ito, may trabaho pa rin ako sa darating na pasukan. Inalok akong magturo ng limang klase para sa Fall semester (good luck na lang sa akin...hello, pagod at puyat at konsumisyon, LOL! ) Sa Spring semester, hindi ko pa alam kung anong gagawin ko. I'll just take things one semester at a time.

Bahala na si Batman--este, ang Diyos--sa akin.

found herself @ 10:40 AM 2 comments

Birthday greetings from prison

I stayed in my office till 1:30AM to get some work done (as if). The whole time, this little voice inside me kept telling me to get my arse home...and with good reason. A surprise was waiting for me in the mail when I got home last night (this morning, rather). I received a birthday card from my sisters at the Correctional Institution for Women in the Philippines (CIW). Ate S also included a letter for me, while D sent me a picture of herself with her son (during one of his visits to CIW) and Ate A (whose sentence was commuted to life imprisonment when GMA issued blanket commutations of death sentences on Easter Sunday); on the back of the photograph was a dedication expressing D's concerns, as well as her and Ate A's birthday message for me.

I'm so touched. I've only written them once ever since I came back here, and even if Ate V, Ate S, and Ate H wrote me again in early March and two other inmates, Mama C and Ate N, wrote me a week or two later, I still haven't written them back (I finished preparing birthday and Easter cards and I wrote a letter for Ate V before Holy Week, but I have five more letters to write, so I haven't mailed anything yet). I know I've been so busy over the past two months, but I wish I had made (more) time to write them. I wasn't expecting them to send me a card for my birthday because I knew they were waiting for me to write them back. And yet they haven't forgotten me. I'm so humbled by the way they always make an effort to understand me despite their situation. Walang-wala na nga sila, nakakulong pa sila, pero iniintindi pa rin nila ako. (They have nothing, plus they're behind bars, but they still reach out and attend to me.)

I cried as I read the card and their birthday messages and letters. I cried because I was really touched by what they did. (Come to think of it, they were the only ones who actually wrote me and sent me a card via regular mail for my birthday. It just means a lot to me.) I cried because I realized how much I've been missing them soooo much all this time. I cried until I fell asleep. At work today, whenever I would think about them and their wonderful surprise for me on my birthday, I'd get teary-eyed. I read their card and letters again after I got off work and I burst into tears for the nth time (good thing my roommate isn't around right now). I cried again tonight while talking to my friend JP about the card and letters I had received from my sisters in prison. I just couldn't stop crying.

I'll end this by posting their birthday greetings. This is my way of expressing how much I appreciate what they've done for me.

What they wrote in the card they sent me:

Kanimo day Diane,

Unta, magmalipayon ang imong birthday bisan kon hirayo ka hiton imo mga minahal. Ngan damo pa it manga adlaw an omabot ha imo. Happy Birthday, day.

Mana S

Tagalog/English translation:

Para sa iyo, day Diane (For you, Diane),

Sana maging masaya ang birthday mo kahit malayo ka sa mga mahal mo sa buhay. (May you have a happy birthday even if you're far away from your loved ones.) Sana marami pang araw ang dumating sa iyo. (May you have many more [birth]days to come.)

Happy Birthday, day.

Ate S

[Note: Day is a term of endearment among Visayans. Mana (Waray) and Ate (Tagalog) are honorifics for an older sister or an older-sister figure.]

***

Sweety Diane,

"Glory to God"

Happy Birthday. Wishing you more happiness and success in life. More power.

Take care always. I love you. God Bless.

H

***

Dearest Diane,

Happy B-day and thanks sa (for the) card. Alam mo ikaw lang ang nakaalala ng b-day ko. (You know, you're the only one who remembered my birthday.)

Love,
Y

***

Happy B-day Diane,

M Cute
(Note: She wrote "cute" next to her name, haha)

[P.S.] Yang (what she calls me), sana ipagpatuloy mo pa ang kabutihan ng iyong puso (hope you keep up/ continue to show the goodness of your heart).

***

Dearest Diane,

May you have more B-days to come. God Bless You always.

Love you,
R

***

Diane,

Happy B-day!!! Ingat ka lagi! (Take care always!)

Ate J

***

Diane,

Happy Birthday! Sana sa araw ng birthday mo masaya ka! (Hope you're happy on the day of your birthday!)

I love you!!!

Ate W

***

Diane,

Happy B-day! Sa card ko na ako magbigay ng message. (I'll just give you my message in my card for you.) I love you.

Ate V

***

Here is the dedication that D wrote at the back of the photo of herself, her son, and Ate A:

Hi Diane,

'Yung tapat kong bata eh anak ko. Maipagmamalaki ko siya lalo na ngayong 2nd honor siya sa school nila.

Bless you there...always. Regards daw sabi ni Ate A. Birthday ni _______, my baby boy, on May 23. Parang kailan lang no! Ang bilis talagang lumipas ang panahon. Pero ako rito maraming panahon nang nasayang. Sana mabigyan pa ako ng panibagong pagkakataon para makapagbagong buhay...hopefully.

WISHING YOU A HAPPY B-DAY.
MORE B-DAYS TO COME...GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS.

Bunsong (The youngest) D and A

English translation:

Hi Diane,

The child in front of me [in the picture] is my son. I'm really proud of him, especially now that he just garnered Second Honors at his school.

Bless you there...always. Ate A sends her regards. It's my baby boy's birthday on May 23. It seems like yesterday or not so long ago, huh?! Time really goes by so fast. But for me in here, so much time has been wasted. I wish I would still be given another chance to change my life [for the better]...hopefully.

WISHING YOU A HAPPY B-DAY.
MORE B-DAYS TO COME...GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS

D and A

[Note: D is the youngest inmate on death row. At the age of 17, she and a group of teenagers were arrested for kidnapping an elderly person who was later released unharmed. D was tried as an adult, despite the evidence regarding her age when the offense was committed. She was pregnant at that time and gave birth to her son in prison. Her son, who is now eight or nine years old, has since been adopted; he still visits her in CIW occasionally.]

Pahabol (Post-script):

On May 11th, I received another birthday card from CIW--this time from Mommy P, who included birthday greetings on behalf of her children. Tita E, one of Mommy P's good friends, also signed the card. I'm so touched.

Actually, I'm relieved to hear from Mommy P once again. Of all my friends in CIW, she was the one who wrote me the most over the past couple of years. She even wrote my parents last year. I was worried that she might (still) be mad at me for choosing to sleep in the death row dorm (where she used to stay) instead of her current dormitory. Naging issue kasi 'yon n'ung huling uwi ko sa Pinas (that issue surfaced the last time I went home to the Philippines). But I guess we're okay now, thank God!

Here are Mommy P's and Tita E's messages:

My dear Diane:

Greetings in the name of Jesus Christ our Savior and Redeemer!

I wish you a blessed day with the Lord Jesus. Happy happy birthday and wishes of more joyful and fruitful birthdays to come.

Thanks for the greeting card. I did like the photo with [name of my crush] you sent me. Bagay na bagay kayo (You look good together).

Let's keep trusting God's love and power. He hears our prayers.

Take care always. God loves you.

Sincerely yours,

Mommy P

Birthday greetings from my children J1, MC, J2, A, L, B, R1, and R2.

***

SMILE!

Happy Happy Birthday and more joyful birthdays to come.

Tita E

***

If I don't blog for a while, it's because I need to finish my letters to my sisters in CIW.

found herself @ 11:27 PM 12 comments

Post-Birthday Thoughts

Para kay Fafa KaDyo, salamat po sa text at sa "meme." Speechless ako sa description niyo...touched naman ako, as in! Ate Ghee, thanks for the very cute poem. Ate Malaine, thank you for the touching message. To everyone else, thank you for the greetings, the prayers, and for simply remembering me.

I had a simple but meaningful birthday celebration. I had to go for an interview for a fellowship I applied for (at my former internship site) in the morning, so I didn't get to hear Mass till noontime. Sr. Dinah, one of my closest friends, was supposed to join me, but she got stuck in traffic, owing to the Immigration Rally in downtown. But things worked out because I was able to spend more time in prayer while waiting for her. We had a late lunch at this Thai restaurant in my neighborhood. Sr. Dinah has always been present in my birthday celebrations here in Chicago. She had a meeting right after we had lunch, but she really made time for me. She's leaving for Papua New Guinea soon (she'll be there for at least two years), and I'll miss her terribly.

Mga gwapa gyud! Haha :)

A couple of hours after Sr. Dinah and I parted ways, I went out to dinner with my roommate and our common friend. We went to Tank Noodle, a Vietnamese restaurant. I'm glad I was able to spend time with them. Both of them are leaving in a few months because they're almost done with their Ph.ds. I'm gonna miss them :(

With my roomie and our friend Wei (from China)

After dinner, my roommate and I met up with other students from our program at Hamilton's, a nearby bar. We thought we'd get there ahead of our school-friends because they had class on the night of my birthday. But it turned out that most of them were dismissed early, so they got there before we did. We didn't stay out too late because it was a school night and many of us had to work the following morning. Some people had also stayed up late to work on papers the night before, so of course they needed to get some rest. But it was great to see everyone. I'm actually touched that several of my course-mates showed up at the bar to celebrate my birthday with me--even if it was a last-minute thing. Andun pa ang dati kong classmate na crush ko; kung sino siya, akin na lang 'yon, haha :)

Here are some pictures of us at the bar. For more pictures of my birthday celebration, click on this:

Me and Katie

With Grace (from Britain)...beauties forever!

With Rita (from Indonesia); my face is red from all the alcohol but I'm not drunk!

So that's how I celebrated my birthday--it was a low-key celebration, but I spent it with the people I love. I used to feel weird about turning 26, but what the heck...bring it on!

found herself @ 11:18 PM 28 comments