The flowers that God planted...
I had such a busy morning today. Although I had moved my students' collaborative learning group exercise to next week so we could use our class time to review for their first exam, I still had a lot of preparation to do for class. I also had to yet to finalize the midterm exam questions and make sure my students could answer them in 50 minutes. *wink* Needless to say, I was exhausted, bordering on crabby. I normally like Fridays because I have the office to myself (I share my tiny office with this girl who thinks aloud in an annoying, shrill,
pa-cute voice and asks me questions just when I'm neck-deep in work. Her supervisors--no offense meant--also like to think aloud...while looking over her shoulder! One of them just barges in and out of the office and gives her orders left and right in his snooty, nasal tone.) So I'm usually in a good mood whenever Friday rolls around. But today, I just felt so down and I couldn't wait to get out of my office.
Thank God for a friend who reached out to me just when I was feeling so low. Her refreshing e-mail and thoughtful ways brightened my day. This friend is none other than my good friend
Nang Ethel. She sent me some "siggies," which I will be uploading to my blog template soon. I was so touched! Nang, words can't even express how grateful I am for your thoughtfulness. It means a lot to me.
Salamat kaayo! Luv you!
The reason for the title of this post? I remember reading somewhere in Henri Nouwen's
Here and Now: Living in the Spirit that we can get too busy with our lives and our respective concerns and worries, that we tend to forget the flowers that God planted along our path. The flowers that God sends us exist in different forms--like the laughter of a child, the voice of a friend, or a word or gesture of kindness from a virtual stranger. All these can make a profound difference when one is struggling or just having a bad day. However, when we're too engrossed with our own issues, we run the risk of being indifferent to the flowers that the Creator sends our way.
As a human being, I'm not above such a tendency. And so I'm glad my ever-faithful God meets me at my level and creatively shows me the flowers God has planted as I go on with my journey. Who would have thought God uses e-mail and blogging, too? Just when I was feeling so low (for reasons some of you might know), an angel reached out across the blogosphere to show me that
I do matter in the greater scheme of things. The "siggies" I received from someone who took time out to do them were a source of comfort on a gloomy day. That's enough to lift my spirits.
I leave you with a glimpse of the beautiful "flowers" God sent me today. May you find these a source of inspiration, as I have.
Have a restful and blessed weekend, everyone!
In response to what you said...
Hello
rin po sa iyo. You know who you are.
'Kala mo ikaw lang pwede mag-post...
Ako rin, nagpasyang mag-post...
para mailabas ko naman ang side ko. Pareho naman tayong naniniwala na may dalawang side sa anumang kuwento, isyu, o usapin. (
FYI: Siya nga pala, sa mga umaali-aligid at nag-aabang ng post
ko tungkol sa iba pang usapin...hindi po ito 'yon. Hindi ito para sa inyo. Balik na lang po kayo sa ibang araw. Pasensya na, naging busy
rin ako sa pag-aasikaso ng ibang mas importanteng bagay na may kinalaman sa buhay ko sa labas ng mundo ng blog.)
I won't elaborate on the incident that led to this stupid misunderstanding in the first place and I hope and trust that you have the decency to do the same.
Kasi kung magkuwento ako dito...haha...let's just say I can find it in my heart to refrain from making you look bad.
Kung masyado pa ring mataray ang dating ko, pasensya na lang po kayo. As you can see, I'm pretty easygoing but when I get provoked,
ingat na lang kasi lumalabas ang katarayan ko. Waray man gud ini.Ito lang ang masasabi ko...even the closest or the best of friends have their boundaries. On the one hand, we have become close.
May pinagsamahan na rin tayo. On the other hand, I barely know you and you barely know me, in so many respects. This makes it all the more important for you to be careful with your words. And if you cross the line, please take responsibility for your actions.
You admitted you were tactless. You were also bordering on being overfamiliar. And I have no patience with such behavior. Since I'm pretty damn frank and I do speak my mind, I will not hesitate to call your attention if you cross the line. You claim you're sensitive. Well, I'm also sensitive about certain issues (and you don't know me that well yet so you better watch your mouth if you want us to remain on good terms). Heck, everyone is sensitive in one way or another. This is why I believe it's really important for us to be careful with our words and expressions. If you don't know someone that well, be careful what you say--especially if it's a personal matter--because it might rub him or her the wrong way. And if you did offend someone, be it intentionally or unintentionally, take responsibility for your actions before harping on the damage done to your pride or ego. You can do that later, trust me.
N'ung una pinalampas ko na lang...Eh talaga naman, inulit mo pa kung kelan matino naman 'yung usapan natin. Di ka rin mapagsabihan ng maayos, noh? If what you say is offensive to me, I will tell you it's offensive. If what you say makes me uncomfortable, I will tell you it makes me uncomfortable. I won't sugarcoat my words just to protect or feed your ego.
You deserved the response you got from me. Let me reiterate: You crossed the line. Well, instead of just apologizing upfront and dropping the subject, what did you do? You sounded like such a BRAT when you told me what I said put you in a "stormy" mood, yada yada yada.
Now you say you were just being honest. Fine. It doesn't change the fact that you overstepped your boundaries and pissed me off in the first place. Hmm..I was just being honest, too, when I told you that. If what I said challenged your position (and pricked your ego), well, that's beyond my control. If you reap the consequences of your actions, that's not my problem. I will not let you hear what you want to hear at the expense of my emotional well-being (and sanity). I appreciate your honesty in expressing your feelings
pero sana ilagay mo rin naman sa lugar. As I said, don't blame me for your issues and hang-ups.
And now you tell me you weren't blaming me for the reactions elicited from your end, that you would never hold me responsible for what happened to you. Well, thanks for letting me know that. Believe me, it means a lot...considering that you didn't convey this well previously because you weren't too clear about where you were coming from. (Oops, did I just prick your ego again? Sorry
po!
Kainin mo ego
mo.)
It was a stupid fight. Don't worry, I don't hate you at this point and for some reason, I don't think I could ever hate you (
'wag lang sana lumaki ulo mo).
May pinagsamahan rin naman tayo...sayang naman kung masira. I'm willing to make up if you're willing to make up. In the meantime,
mananahimik na lang muna ako. If you can take me as I am, let me know. If you're just looking for someone who will let you hear what you want to hear, you're talking to the wrong person.
Soul-Seeker's Closet
Rina tagged me about a month ago but I didn't find out about it till last night when I read her previous entry. So...here goes. (Sowee for the delay!).
Three random facts about my closet:1. My closet is outside my bedroom (My bedroom used to be a dining room until my landlord decided to convert my apartment from a one-bedroom to a two-bedroom unit.)
2. My closet doesn't have a light switch. (It used to have a light that would turn on automatically if I opened the closet but the light suddenly didn't go off at all so I had to remove the light bulb, for fear of burning down the house.)
3. It's a walk-in closet, so I can fit everything in--including my clothes, shoes,
maletas, and bags I hardly use (and the sneakers my mom decided to hide and stash in my closet when she came to visit because I wore them all the bloody time).
Three item's I've never worn but still haven't tossed:1. A shimmery light brown jacket my mom got for me in the Philippines. I burned the back part of the jacket while ironing it before an interview for my internship placement, but I haven't thrown it away yet.
2. A sheer cream blouse (
medyo manang ang dating) that my roommate gave me
3. Long-sleeved blouses that my mom bought from Greenhills about 4 years ago
Three things I will never get rid of, no matter how ugly they get:1. My 3-inch black Skechers!!!
2. My Nike (Presto) sneakers
3. My blue drawstring sweatpants (even if they have a pink stain and the hem is pretty frayed
og naa pa gyud buslot nga gamay, haha)
Three things that I have a surprising number of:1. Formal, long-sleeved blouses (which I hardly ever wear)
2. Slacks
3. Sweaters/cardigans
Three dominant colors in my wardrobe:1. Black
2. Blue
3. Purple
Three items that people wouldn't expect to find in my closet:1. Maria Clara dress
2. Stillettos (pity my toes!!!)
3. Thong undies (haha)
Three things ever fail to put me in a good mood whenever I wear them:1. My favorite pair of jeans!!!
2. My favorite light-blue shirts
3. My favorite striped pink shirt (which I bought from a market in Mandaluyong for 80 pesos...brings back memories)
Three items that made me go, "Oh Lord, what was I thinking?":1. A sleeveless, tan-colored dress that comes above my knees (My mom had this tailor-made for me before I came to the U.S. in 2002, and I've never worn it. Now, it doesn't even fit!)
2. My blue flats (also from my mom) that hurt my feet
3. My cream-colored, 3-inch heels that are a size too big for my feet (I had to wear it for a special event...I stuffed my shoes with so much tissue).
Three people I'm tagging:1.
Nao2.
Ethel3.
KaDyo
Three Things You Didn't Know About Me
Ethel tagged me, so here's my response.
Ayan, sis,
ang lakas mo talaga sa 'kin. Ginawa ko kaagad ang "misyon" na binigay mo sa akin...kasi ayokong pumangit, hehe =)
1
) I can be the biggest "denial queen" when it comes to love--especially when I fall in love with a close friend. I tend to rationalize my feelings and I guess it's because I don't want to risk our friendship...or I don't even want to entertain what I feel if I know that person doesn't like me back. It can take me between three to five years before I actually admit that I do/did love someone. My closest friends know that whenever I say, "
Ate/ Kuya (depending on the gender...hehe)
ko lang 'yon," while talking about someone I care about, it means I'm attracted to that person.
2)
I give good massages. I have a cousin who's a physical therapist and he taught me some effective massage techniques. But I learned most of what I know from experience (shaddap
, mga berdeng utak!). Since I love getting massages, I also know what soothes the body and which stress nodes to watch out for. Whenever I go on service trips, my companions (like my nun-friends) can count on me to give the a good massage.
Tulad ni 'Nang Ethel,
"karpintero" din ako sa katawan ng isang tao, LOL =)
3)
I pray in the bathroom. I can't explain how and why the bathroom is a special place of prayer and reflection for me, but that's just how it is. I pray in the shower. I've also arrived at significant realizations about myself and made major decisions in the bathroom. When I'm at work, the bathroom is one of the places I can go to if I want some quiet time. I should put a crucifix in the bathroom.
And now I tag...Dops, Rina, and NV. You're it! =)
Take care, everyone!
My so-called life
Just called my best friend, En-en, tonight. While talking to him, I realized how isolated (and even lonely) my life is here in Chicago. Ever since Johnna left for Taiwan, I've kept to myself, pretty much. My only other friends are my roommate, who is busy working on her dissertation; several people in my department, who are as busy as I am with school and work; and my nun-friends. I told En-en I seem to have more contact/interaction with my online friends. Having a limited circle of friends is so unlike me. I had a wide range of friends in the Philippines. Then again, it's hard to find true friends in this country, especially when certain people just flake out on you and don't think you have any reason to get mad at them.
No wonder I don't have a love life. And no wonder I tend to be more neurotic these days.
Just brooding--Part II
[I don't know why I'm writing about this. I guess I just want to get things off my chest without being a total biatch about it. As sis Ethel said, kinahanglang mag-binuotan...wadon ang kaisog! Haha =) Ayan sis, ha, sinusunod ko payo mo.]
Sr. M is now in Ethiopia. I don't know when she left, but she e-mailed me (and her other friends) today to inform us that she arrived there safely. Actually, I was surprised to find out that she was already there because the last time I talked to her (Tuesday the 13th, early in the morning), she was still waiting for the Ethiopian embassy to fax her visa. She was supposed to leave on September 14th, but they had to rebook her flight because of the delays with her visa. I asked her to e-mail me and keep me posted about the status of her visa, and she said she'd do that, but I guess she got really, really busy. Before I received her e-mail this morning, I'd been thinking about her over the past couple of days and checking my e-mail religiously just to see whether I had a note from her. I wanted to call her in the Philippines one last time and I was just waiting for her go-signal--that is, for her to e-mail me while she was still there. In fact, the last time we talked, we didn't really say goodbye to each other. It was more along the lines of: "Keep me posted. Talk to you later."
I actually miss her. In fact, I miss her more. I know it doesn't really make a difference where she is kasi nasa magkabilaang dulo pa rin kami ng mundo, regardless, but maybe it does matter, somehow. I don't know if I can call her at her current location so that's one obvious change I'll have to get used to. The last time I talked to her, we were able to clarify an issue that nearly triggered another misunderstanding between us, and I was able to rest my case. So we were on better terms than we were over the past couple of months. God knows we haven't had a decent conversation for the longest time. Corny as it may sound, I miss that. I miss the times when we could talk without me getting upset over some tactless remark she'd make and "bitching" her out as needed. Nakakalungkot lang kasi kung kelan mas okay na talaga kami, paalis na siya at Diyos na lang ang nakakaalam kung may contact pa ba kami.
I guess Sr. M and I really do have a love-hate relationship, as several friends have pointed out. Even after we started talking to each other again (after getting into a misunderstanding last December), I tended to keep her at a distance, and it felt so AWKWARD to even call or e-mail her. I have to admit I really struggled with our friendship because the fight we had brought back bad memories of another major misunderstanding we had before I came to this country in 2002. Part of me was bitter because our patching things up didn't change the fact that she wouldn't be in the Philippines anymore when I go home for Christmas--which was why I really grieved over the incident that triggered our fight. And I just struggled with that. It wasn't until she told me her work permit to Ethiopia had been approved that I started calling her again. We talked like we used to, but there were times when we got into minor/petty misunderstandings over the phone and I realized that in a lot of ways, the damage had been done. It has been said that friendship is like glass. Once it gets broken, you can try to put back the pieces together, but it won't be the same. In our case, after our fight, she couldn't even make offhand remarks or jokes without making me feel irritated, uncomfortable, or paranoid about what she really meant. I used to tell myself I wouldn't call her anymore once she left for Ethiopia. Pero ngayon, mukhang di ko siya matiis. If I could call her wherever she is now, I'd do that.
Looking back, I've come to realize mali rin naman ako. I got so fed up with having to be the bigger person and understand her all the time. Tao lang naman ako. There are times when I can only take so much, especially from someone who's supposed to be my friend. But wo wrongs don't make a right. When I don't make an effort to move on from past misunderstandings, I'm equally guilty if the friendship falls apart. When I give up on someone, I lose out on what could have been a better relationship.
All I can do is trust that time heals all wounds. Someday, everything will be all right and nothing will ever hurt...in God's time and place. When I replied to Sr. M's e-mail, I told her I wished her all the blessings she needed on her new journey. For now, let my love and prayers be with her.
Untitled
Ayoko sanang mag-post
tungkol sa 'yo pero pikon na talaga ako. Oo, magkaibigan [pa rin] tayo pero minsan, suko na talaga ako. Ewan ko ba, either
masyado akong mabait at mapagpatawad o nadadala ko lang talaga ang pagka-martir ko sa lahat ng relasyon ko, mapa-kaibigan man o kapamilya o sinisinta (kung meron).Hindi naman siguro ako pinanganak para maging emotional punching bag
mo. Naalala ko dati, sabi mo kung merong mas marunong magparaya, you would expect it from me
dahil isa ako sa mga mas close
sa iyo, kamo. Ako kaya, kelan ako pwedeng mag-expect
ng kahit ano sa 'yo? Kahit na konting effort
man lang...at respeto...utang na loob! Sa totoo lang, sa dinami-dami ng mga kaibigan ko, ikaw lang ang nakasakit sa akin ng ganito. Ilang beses mo ba akong kailangang saktan bago ka matuto???Banal-banalan ka nga. But honestly, most of the time, you're just sooo full of it.
Something to celebrate
I do blog about happy moments, too.
I had a "teachable moment" in class today. YAY! That's something I'll always be thankful for.
Somehow I'm not as overwhelmed as I was last week and I know I'll be okay...
*Contentment written all over my face*
(
This photo was taken right after class.)
Picture, picture
I got a digital camera over the weekend (FINALLY!) because my Fuji camera (which is less than 2 years old) suddenly broke down on me last week.
Ewan ko ba, I was with Sr. Magda at Navy Pier that day and we posed for a picture (
kasi kikay kami pareho). We had asked someone to take our picture and that guy pressed the "self-timer" button by mistake and locked my camera for good. Hehe, either my camera committed Harakiri (as my friend Jessie would say) or
hindi nakaya ng camera
ko ang kagandahan namin ni Sister.
Anyway, since Elizabeth was in town this weekend and we met up today, I had an excuse to buy a new camera yesterday. Here are some pictures...ENJOY!
Me and Elizabeth hangin' out by Lake Michigan
Just me
My Life
Dops, eto na sagot ko sa assignment na binigay mo. Hehe, poetry is not my specialty. I'm more comfortable with stream-of-consciousness narratives and such. Anyway, here goes...
Twenty years ago...
I lived with my family in Tacloban City, Leyte, where both of my parents are from. We had moved there the previous year. I attended kindergarten at a state school. I was in the afternoon class, but I was always late because it took me FOREVER to finish eating.
I learned to speak Waray. This helped me make new friends. My parents talked to me and my sisters in English when I was little. I could understand Waray, but I couldn't speak it, so I just talked to my classmates in English and assumed they understood me. Well, that wasn't always the case. A few of my classmates talked to me, but the rest just stared at me like I was an alien or something. I wasn't sure if it was because they were unfriendly or because there was a language barrier.
One day, I mustered enough courage to say something in Waray to one of my classmates. It wasn't too nice. actually told this boy not to be friends with this girl in our class anymore because she "destroyed" the seesaw in the playground. I had heard another classmate say that, and I just repeated what I heard. Haha, malabad na ako, bisan guti-ay pa ako...JOKE =) Anyhow, my classmates felt more comfortable talking to me once they found out I could speak Waray. I was also pretty mischievous at my age. Nakikipagsuntukan ako sa mga lalaki n'un 'pag inaaway nila ako because I knew they wouldn't hit me back.
Fifteen years ago...
I was in Grade 5 and had just transferred to a Catholic school for girls in Quezon City. My family and I had moved back to Manila the previous year, after my dad got a new job. I went to a co-ed school because the all-girls school had no slots for new students then. A month into the new school year, the principal of the all-girls school called to inform my mom that I could take the entrance test at their school because someone had just dropped out. My mom told me about it as soon as I got home that afternoon, assuming that I could easily transfer and adjust to yet another school. I was pretty upset, but she and my dad didn't even care. My mom even got on my case when she saw me crying about it. I thought of screwing up on the entrance test on purpose, but my parents threatened to make me quit school if I didn't make it. So I took the entrance test two days later and passed. It was all so sudden. I didn't even get to say goodbye to my best friend at the co-ed school.
I soon found out that the co-ed school I had attended didn't teach me shit about anything, so I lagged behind at my new school. I got line of 7's for several classes that year, and got spanked for that. I was pretty quiet and had few friends. I made friends with another quiet girl in class, who remains a close friend. I had two other close friends. My teacher told my mom I was so quiet and shy, walang kabuhay-buhay daw. She found it hard to believe that I was noisy at home.
Ten years ago...
I was a junior at the same Catholic all-girls school. Despite their seeming conservatism and strictness, the nuns who ran the school promoted social responsibility. There were community service opportunities for students of different year levels, and I enjoyed participating in these activities.
I was in love with this guy I met the summer before my junior year, and I remember missing him a lot, since he didn't live in Manila (yuck, puppy love!). But since my parents didn't allow me and my sisters to date until we were completely done with school, I didn't have a boyfriend. That was fine by me. I felt happy and complete with my friends. My teachers thought my high school barkada was a bunch of sweet, innocent, and shy girls because we were pretty quiet in class. They didn't know of all the pranks we pulled. =)
Kung maldita ako noong bata ako, santa ako n'ung panahong ito. Simple lang ang pangarap ko sa buhay. I wanted to teach, preferably at my high school. And even if I knew what it was like to fall in love, I wanted to be a nun more than anything else. I wanted to become a Missionary of Charity after volunteering at their home for the aged in Tayuman. I looked up to Mother Teresa.
On the downside, a good friend of mine died of cancer that year so I went through depression for months. It affected my schoolwork. I wasn't until the following summer that I resolved to move on with my life.
Five years ago...
I was a senior in college. Wild girl na ako n'un. I had a double life. I did well in most of my classes, and I was involved in several organizations--I was the news editor of the school paper (my passion) and a former officer of an organization that did volunteer work at CRIBS Philippines. But behind that facade, I was a rebel. I partied a lot. I used to sneak out and come home early in the morning, and then go to school as if nothing happened. However, at this time five years ago, I had to lie low on my late-night gimmicks because my parents were starting to suspect I was sneaking out and I knew they'd kill me if they caught me in the act. So "gimik-Intsik" (the term my ex used for gimmicks during regular hours) muna ako--meaning I'd do stuff during the day...stuff that my parents didn't necessarily know of, hehe =). I also experimented with some things I'd rather not mention in this blog.
I was a social sciences major, but I took a lot of communications electives because I wanted to go into film or journalism after I graduated college. My immersion in an urban poor community changed all that--even if I got sexually harrassed by a butchokoy from the area. This untoward incident notwithstanding, I realized I still wanted to do social development work. I tried to ignore it at first, but I couldn't lie to my heart.
I was dating someone (gender undefined), but we broke up because we weren't growing. We'd fight over the same things and it was sooo draining. This person also couldn't understand what s/he did to piss me off. We struggled with the same issues but s/he still didn't get it.
Last year...
At this time last year, I had just gotten back from the Philippines. When I wasn't in school or at work, I was moping around in my apartment because I was soooo homesick. I wasn't doing so well financially, so I looked for a second job, even if I was in school full-time, so I could save money and go home for Christmas. I was also freaking out over my thesis because it took so bloody long for me to get approval on my research, since it involved women ex-offenders. I was already in my third year of grad school so I felt so retarded, compared to my classmates.
And I thought I still had a significant other. It turned out he met someone else exactly at this time last year, and cut me out of his life instantly. I didn't find out about it till two months later...through Friendster!
Last night...
I talked to my dear friend, Sr. Dinah. We did some catching up and she shared something that shocked and saddened me at the same time. I can't write about it yet because she told me not to say anything for now. I also read the articles I assigned to my class to figure out a good way of teaching and presenting the material. I swear, I even went over the material in my sleep.
Today...
I taught my class. It wasn't too bad, although I'm still pretty shy and I need to find my groove. I realized how it's such a challenge to budget your time in a 50-minute class. I have to be more conscious of my time. As in.
I called the Native American spiritual center I worked with when I was a research fellow about three years ago because I just found out one of the elders was going back to her reservation SOON. Biglaan daw. I didn't get to talk to her because she had already left. Sayang! I was planning on stopping by pa naman, although I couldn't leave earlier this afternoon because of work. I'll miss her.
I texted my sister to greet her a happy birthday. I also attended the first Friday mass at Holy Name Cathedral. I was late because of the traffic. Oh well. I skipped lunch today, so I ended up getting something to eat and having coffee at Starbucks after mass (my reward for surviving the first week of school). While I was at Starbucks, my friend Elizabeth called me. She's coming to Chicago for the weekend, so it will be nice to see and catch up with her. Mag-a-apply na daw siya sa kumbento. Magiging mongha ang kaibigan ko.
Tomorrow...
I guess I'm gonna clean my apartment, once and for all, because my room looks like a zoo. I should also catch up on school work and preparations for my class.
Next year...
I hope to God I'll be done with my special field exams. I hope and pray I can do my dissertation on the inmates on death row in CIW. After all these years, they're still closest to my heart. Plus, I'd get to go home! I also pray I'd get funding for the remainder of my studies so I don't have to worry about where to get money for my tuition. If I'm fortunate enough to teach, sana matino na akong magturo n'un.
Five or ten years from now...
I have no idea where I'll be. I'm open to going anywhere--Antigua, anywhere in Africa, or back to the Philippines. I could be a researcher, a community worker, a teacher, a missionary (lay or otherwise), what have you. Ayoko lang magsalita nang patapos kasi baka maudlot. But wherever I go and whatever I do, I just want to fulfill what God wants for me. Diyos na bahala sa 'kin. I trust that God's walking with me.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29: 11-13)
And now I tag...
Anyone who wants to do their own version of this. Tigerbarb, Sis, Ate Fay, and Dons, baka trip niyo 'to.
Happy weekend, everyone!
To someone who just made my day
Dops,
para sa iyo 'to.
Salamat kaayo sa PC and everything else
. Sarap mong kausap. Sa uulitin. Goodnight.
Langhiya 12:37 AM
na dito. ;)
