Sexy, Innocent Child-Woman

Pluggin' Away...

Hello everyone! Please visit the website of Pinoyatbp. My post was published today. It is filed in the section entitled "Kaugaliang Pinoy" (Filipino attitudes and values). I also contributed to the sidebar article entitled "Ang Aming Pasko" (Our Christmas; it's about the experiences of Filipinos who have spent Christmas away from the homeland and their loved ones), which was published yesterday.

Enjoy!

Take care, everyone. Peace and blessings!

found herself @ 12:00 AM 7 comments

Happy Birthday, Nang Ethel!

found herself @ 12:00 AM 5 comments

Assignment from Nang Ethel

I've been too serious for the past couple of days, so it's time to lighten up. For now, tama na ang ka-drama-han ko! (English translation for Natty: Enough of my melodrama). Haha =)

Nang Ethel, here are my answers to the very long assignment you gave me. Sorry for the delay! I'm sure you know why it took me a while to answer this. *wink*

Section 1 - Have you ever...

Cheated on someone?: --Nope. In my case, it's been the other way around.
Been Cheated on?:--Yes.
Fallen off the bed?:--Yes, when I was kid. I also fell off the bed about four years ago, when I still lived with my parents in the Philippines.
Broken someone's heart?:--Unfortunately, yes.
Had your heart broken?:--Yes, so many times, by so many people!!! =(
Had a dream come true?--Yes. I've had so many dreams come true. *big smile*
Done something you regret?: --Yes.
Cheated on a test?:--Yes, when I was in high school (something I'm not proud of).

Section 2 - Currently

Wearing?: Gray sweater, black tank top, gray sweatpants, black socks
Like anyone?:--Yes...heeheehee *grin*
Location?:--My bedroom.
Chatting with?:--Nobody.
Watching?: Nothing. I'm in front of my computer.
Should REALLY be doing? ....Sleeping! It's almost 6AM, for crying out loud.
Brush your teeth?: Of course!
Have any piercings?: Just my ears.
Drive?: I can drive but I don't have a car.
Drink?: Not anymore. I used to drink a lot when I was in college, but I gave up that stuff four years ago (after getting sooo drunk at a family friend's house--which my parents weren't too happy about).
Smoke?: Sometimes.
Got a cell?: I have two cell phones--one in the U.S. and another in the Philippines (which my mom uses when I'm away).

Section 3 - The last person you...

Hugged?: My friend Monica
Kissed?: My friend Monica
IMed?: I chatted with my friend Raquel briefly yesterday.
Talked on the phone to?: My friend Gelo
Yelled at?: Whoever answered the phone when I called my mom last week. This dude suddenly hung up on me after I asked him if my mom was home. I ended up losing a lot of minutes on my phonecard, which pissed me off.

Section 4 - Personal

What do you want to be or do, when you finish school? A teacher and researcher/community worker. Sometimes I think of becoming a missionary.
What has been the best day of your life?: February 2, 2002--the day I made my peace with God; December 8, 2001--the day I saw my baby, Nina, again (four months after her adoption and discharge from CRIBS); and whenever I go home to the Philippines.
What comes first in your life?: God.
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush?: I have a crush on a close friend =) *grin*
What are you most scared of?: Losing the people I love
What do you usually think about before you go to bed?: How I felt God's presence that day; and the concerns I lift up to God.
Did you lose someone you really loved?: Yes (see my recent posts).
Love your family?: YES!
Are you a virgin?: I'm a virgin for now, hahaha :)

Section 5 - Favorite

Movie: I have a lot of favorite movies, including: Sister Stella L; Mulanay; Curacha; the Flor Contemplacion Story; Bata, Bata, Paano Ka Ginawa; and Mila (I love Filipino movies that are socially relevant.)
Song: "Your Heart Today," "In My Heart," and "Sana'y Wala Nang Wakas"
Store: The Mustard Seed
Clothing Store: Ragstock and Bath and Body Works
Relative: Hmmm...I have several "favorite" relatives...
Sport: Gymnastics.
Ice Cream Flavor: Cookies and cream.
Fruit: Mango.
Candy: Gummy Worms.
Day of the Week: Friday.
Color: Blue.

Section 6 - Do you

Like to give hugs?: Yes.
Like to walk in the rain?: No.
Prefer black or blue pens?: Blue pens.
Like to travel?: YES!!! I can't stay put in one place.
Sleep on your side?: Yes.
Have a goldfish?: No.
Ever have the falling dream?: Yes, so many times.
Have stuffed animals?: No.

Section 7 - This or that

Pierced nose or tongue?: None of the above.
Single or taken?: Single.
MTV or BET?: None of the above.
7th Heaven or Dawson's Creek?: Dawson's Creek.
Sugar or salt?: Sugar.
Silver or gold?: Silver.
Chocolate or flowers?: Chocolate.
Color or Black-and-white photos?: Color
M&Ms or Skittles?: M&Ms.
Stay up late or sleep in? Sleep in.
Hot or cold?: I wanna be someplace hot (like the Philippines) because the cold weather is killing me waaah :(
Mustard or ketchup?: None of the above.
Spring or Fall? Fall
Happy or sad?: Sad but trying to be happy.
Wonder or amazement?: Wonder.
Mexican or Italian?: Italian
Candy or Soda?: Candy.


And now I pass this tag to: Melai, my newest blog-friend; Natty; Ate Malaine; and anyone else who wants to answer this tag. Cheers!

found herself @ 5:52 AM 4 comments

Gentle Presence

found herself @ 12:41 AM 5 comments

Letting Go--Part II

I said this prayer, dubbed a "Prayer of One Who Is Moving On," for a close friend in the Philippines before she entered a missionary congregation almost three years ago. Since I was already based in Chicago at that time, I was unable to say goodbye to her in person. So I stacked up on phonecards and stayed up till the wee hours of the morning to call her right before she left for the convent in Manila. We talked about how she spent her last couple of days as a secular person, how her family (especially her father) was taking her decision to become a nun, and how she felt about the new life that awaited her. We talked even as she was changing into "nun-like" clothing (read: a modest blouse and skirt) and making sure her belongings were in place before her sisters took her to the convent. Before we hung up, I told her I wanted to say a prayer for her--and with her. That was my way of giving her my "blessing" before she began her journey. I recited the aforementioned prayer over the phone, and she repeated each line after me in the silence of her heart. She asked me to stay awake for the next hour or so and join her in prayer during her entrance ceremony at the convent: "Samahan mo ako (Go with me)." My phonecard ran out shortly after I said yes.

I said the same prayer just three days ago. This time, it was for a close friend here in the United States, who was about to enter a contemplative religious order. She had kept me informed about the developments in her discernment since the early days of our friendship, and had even asked me to write a recommendation letter on her behalf for her application to the religious life. However, I hadn't heard from her at all for the past three months. I only found out about her acceptance into the monastery the day before her scheduled entrance date. She had called and left a message on the night of November 19th, informing me that she had received a grant to pay off her student loans on November 17th, for which she could enter the religious life unencumbered on November 21st. I was asleep when she called, so I only got her message the next day--less than 24 hours before she entered the monastery. My only recourse was to say goodbye over the phone. We talked for a bit on Sunday the 20th, and left messages after missing each other's calls later in the evening. I called her for the last time the next day, half an hour before our common nun-friend drove her to the monastery in Farmington Hills, Michigan, where she would undergo formation for the next four years before transferring to her community's monastery in Langley, British Columbia.

I knew she was at peace. Despite her sudden uncertainty, she knew where she was headed. We promised to write and pray for each other. We thanked each other for the gift of friendship. Finally, the moment of separation came. I pulled out my copy of Joyce Rupp's Praying Our Goodbyes, and leafed through the pages until I found the invaluable "Prayer of One Who Is Moving On." I read each line slowly, letting each word touch my soul, and she followed along in the silence of her heart. In the middle of the prayer, I heard her sniffling, and I started crying, too. Both of us were crying when we said goodbye.

Before we hung up, we promised to be united in our prayers. I told her that whenever she would gaze at the Blessed Sacrament in the monastery, I would be with her in spirit. And she assured me that whenever I would spend time adoring Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament--be it here, in the Philippines, or wherever I end up in--she would be with me. In prayer, we would always be together, just like the good old days, when we would just sit or kneel before Him, side by side, in silence.

Now, I have embraced the same prayer as my own. It will be my prayer in the days, weeks, and months to come, a source of strength and healing amidst my grief and loneliness.

***

If it means anything, my dear friend and I parted ways without any misunderstandings or unresolved issues. We both know that we will remain friends no matter what, and that we will always be together in prayer and in spirit. Despite my deep sadness, I have every reason to be thankful. I am thankful for her friendship, her gentle presence in my life, her prayers, and even our past misunderstandings and our last conversation, which was heartbreaking and meaningful at the same time.

And I am thankful for the love and support of my friends and family members, who have been there for me and with me in my pain. I sincerely thank the following people: Sr. Dinah, JP, JoEl, Jessie, Mama, Ate Anna, Ate Sharl, Sr. Kathi; and of course, my online friends who have likewise reached out to me and offered listening ears, advice, kind words, prayers, and simply the gift of presence--Peanut, Ate Ghee (Ame.Sweet), Nang Ethel, Fay, Amgine, Ghie, Ella, and you, my compassionate reader/s. Because of you, I know God never left me alone and empty-handed.

I may cry every once in a while and grieve for some time, but this too shall pass. Somehow, I know everything will be all right.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! God bless us all.

found herself @ 5:09 PM 14 comments

Letting Go

Ever since you told me about your plans to venture into the new place to which your soul-searching had led you, I gradually prepared myself for the time when I would have to let go of you completely. It wasn't easy for me. The twists and turns in your discernment threw me off, especially since I had come to know and love the congregation that had journeyed with you over the past three years or so. But I never doubted the innermost stirrings of your heart and your deep faith and devotion to Him. And so I trusted you and respected your decision, even if I anticipated the additional sacrifices and greater restrictions it would entail. I told myself I would never get in the way of your heart's desire...and His great plans for you.

Yesterday, you responded to the call to a life of prayer, penance, adoration, and yes, hiddenness. I admire the way you freely and selflessly gave everything up to follow Him. I only found out about your plans less than 24 hours before you left. So when I said goodbye to you over the phone yesterday morning, I was wrestling with mixed emotions--shock, denial, sorrow, regret, emptiness. I had to fight off the urge to think of what might have been--that is, what might have happened if I had found out about your plans earlier. I know I would have taken the first train out of Chicago to say goodbye to you in person, to hug and kiss you one last time (without worrying about any sort of partition). But maybe your sudden departure happened for a reason. Maybe it would have been more painful to see you go. I may not know why things happened the way they did, but I trust that everything will eventually make sense. All I know is that our God will guide us in this time of transition and comfort us through the storms of life. I've also realized that there is strength in letting go.

So this is what it's like, now that you're gone, now that you've moved on to another stage of your journey. I was not totally prepared for that, and perhaps I would never have been completely ready. I never thought it would hurt so much. Because you only lived here for a year, I got used to not seeing or having you around that much. But it still feels strange to know that you are where you are right now. I have yet to comprehend the fact that I will only be able to see you twice a year (if at all), with some restrictions.

I know that deep inside, I'm happy for you because you're in the place where God has led you to, where you can enjoy life to the full. I also trust that we'll be one in prayer. But even as I accompany you with my prayers, I miss you terribly. Words can't even express how I feel right now. I feel so empty, as though someone dear to me--or a part of me--just died. I know my life will go on, but for now, I have to give myself some time to grieve.

(The photograph was retrieved from the website of the Monastery of the Angels, a cloistered Dominican community.)

found herself @ 8:59 PM 6 comments

My "Lonely Place"

This is my favorite spot on campus. I consider this sloped lawn overlooking Lake Michigan my "lonely place." By the term "lonely place," I do not mean a place that puts me in a state of alienation or isolation from others (hindi pa naman ako ganoon ka-buang, pero malapit na yata akong matuluyan, hehe). Rather, I am referring to a place where I can enjoy some solitude, in the midst of my active, busy life. (Don't we all have moments when we just need time to ourselves, even if we enjoy the company and fellowship of others?) That's exactly what my special place by the lake means to me. To borrow from a poem I read in college (the title of which escapes me now), I can "relish the ruthless calm of being myself" right here. I can simply be in this place, where I am alone with my God.

I used to sit by the lake a lot when I came to this country more than three years ago. This place has been a silent witness to all my random thoughts, prayers, reflections, and yes, struggles and tears. It has served as a sacred space, in so many ways.

Since winter is just around the corner here in the Windy City, I won't be able to visit my "lonely place" for the next couple of months. Oh well. I will return to it, eventually, and it will welcome me with open arms.

found herself @ 10:21 PM 10 comments

Tsk, tsk

When you're up to something, you end up incriminating yourself sooner or later. Your defensive responses, self-absorbed assumptions, and baseless accusations and insinuations--all these are bound to give you away.

Besides, whatever you do in the dark will come to the light. Nasa Bibliya 'yon, diba?


***

You ask: "Why bother to search for my name when I know I am not that famous or important?"

My answer to your question is simple: I didn't do that. Ain't that ridiculous?!

By the way, if you must know, I looked up my own blog and username on the Technorati website out of curiosity, and guess what I found... How could I not find your "private" domain? You once posted the e-mail of a friend--which is so UNETHICAL, by the way--and my name was mentioned in that piece of correspondence. Nananahimik na ako noon, kung tutuusin. I was minding my own business the day my random online search led me to your "private" site (or is that an oxymoron?). I found your "Rush" blog by accident. So sue me.

You have the nerve to say: "My sincere apologies to have put your names in 'private.'" First off, do you even know what you're talking about? If I may ask, kailan pa naging "private" ang isang blog? Wikepedia (2005) defines a blog as a "website that contains written material, links, or photos being posted all the time, usually by one individual, on a personal basis." Granting that a blog is an informal journal intended to reflect the thoughts and views of its owner/s, it still constitutes public domain on account of its location in cyberspace. The same definition would hold true for your "hidden" blog, even if you disclosed its URL to a select group of people.

Secondly, your so-called apology is the most contrived apology I have ever read in this lifetime. You never even identified the person/s you offended by your actions (read: posting someone's e-mail without their consent). Just so you know, I have grounds for complaining about what you did because: 1) you wrongly implicated and maligned my friend by posting her e-mail, on the pretext of venting your frustrations (kahit magpalusot ka nang magpalusot, halatang mali ka pa rin); and 2) my name, which appeared in that e-mail, got dragged into the mess. I dare you to justify your actions. Sincere ka nga ba talaga sa apology mong bulok? Do you know what you're supposed to be sorry for? Perhaps you're only sorry that you were found out.

You claim: "You have taken from me the one, last, little thing that was left of me." I read the post in your "Delusional" blog that you have since removed. Come to think of it, regardless of the circumstances that prompted you to write that entry, you deserved what you went through. If there's anyone to blame for the discovery of your "Rush" blog, which you had intended to conceal, it's you. You got yourself into your own mess.

***

Dops, you can bad-mouth and slander me all you want. You can resort to rude, below-the-belt comments in the absence of substantial assertions. You can deny that you ever accused me falsely and distort the issue so as to insist that I was the one who was "assuming" and "barking at the wrong tree." I have your "rude" e-mails to prove otherwise, but I won't post them because I'm not as vindictive as you are. You can appropriate my arguments and use them for your self-interests, at my expense. Diyan ka naman magaling, diba? Pinahanga mo ako sa ka-drama-han mo. Magaling kang magpaikot ng tao. But it doesn't even matter to me. I won't stoop to your level and dignify all your snide remarks and baseless accusations. The truth will prevail and in the end, I'm sure kakainin mo rin ang lahat ng tsismis at kasinungalingan na pinagkakalat mo.

I'm walking away from all this with a clear conscience, while you're wallowing in your bitterness.

TAPOS!

found herself @ 12:53 AM 4 comments

Bad Day

Isn't it so frustrating when you work so hard and/or painstakingly prepare for something, only to have everything go wrong in the end? That's what I felt about my class today. The lecture was about crime and disparities in sentencing and punishment, which was in line with my research interests. I put together a PowerPoint presentation integrating the readings and recent findings about incarcerated women, in particular. To make the material more concrete for my students, I also drew on my research on women ex-offenders in Chicago and my volunteer work with incarcerated women in the Philippines.

I rushed to class, only to find out that the projector wasn't working. What good is a computer in your classroom and a PowerPoint presentation if the projector doesn't serve its purpose? I could have called the Help Desk, but those people would have made me wait for about 20 minutes before they sent someone over--which is senseless, since my class meets for only 50 minutes. So I had no choice but to improvise. God knows I was all over the place. I don't even know if I did justice to my friends on death row in the Philippines when I talked about their issues in passing. I don't even want to think about what my students walked away with.

I feel like such an idiot. Teaching really makes me feel so vulnerable. I'm not complaining about all the work that teaching entails, but why did I have to screw up in class?

Oh well. I'll live. Tomorrow is another day.

found herself @ 11:16 PM 11 comments

A Tribute to My Lola

There are times when I still find it hard to believe that you are no longer with us. Whenever I plan my next trip to the Philippines, part of me still expects to see you when I go home to Tacloban. I have to stop and remind myself that you've been dead for four years now. My visits to Tacloban will always be more empty without you.

They laid you to rest in Dagami, Leyte, your hometown, exactly four years ago. Being hundreds of thousands of miles away, I could only weep bitterly, as I told my sisters to throw flowers in your grave for me. At that time, I was staying with distant relatives in Virginia, while looking for work (per my mom's orders) and applying to graduate school. Since the United States was reeling from the September 11 attacks and immigration policies were as strict as they could get, I was advised to stay here for the time being. I was stuck here when you succumbed to pneumonia on October 28, 2001. My relatives warned me about how hard it would be for me to come back here, if I were to return home for your funeral. Mama even told me that even if I decided to go home at the last minute, she couldn't promise that I would make it in time for your burial because they wanted to lay you to rest on All Saints' Day.

I never forgave myself for my failure to attend your wake and burial. But what bothered me even more was my being here, in the first place. I left for the United States about two months before you passed away, pretty much on spur of the moment--that is, because Mama assumed that it was the perfect time for me to try and find work here, what with the expiration of my contract at my first job. If it were up to me, I would have just gone home to Tacloban after my contract expired, so I could spend more time with you and help take care of you. But fate intervened, and so I ended up here.

In retrospect, I recognize that I was indeed meant to be here at the time of your demise. And I know you, of all people, understand why it was better for me to be here then. The year 2001 marked the tail end of one of the most turbulent periods in my life, and my parents and sisters found out about all my escapades and shenanigans less than two weeks after you passed away. Had I been home at that time, Papa would have beaten me up, what with everything he found out about me. I know you wouldn't have wanted that to happen. Your concern for me was insurmountable. I trust that you understand why it was better for me to be here when all my dark secrets were exposed. I'm sure you're happy now that everything is settled and I'm on better terms with my parents.

I miss you. I dreamt of you in early October, and you looked so young and rosy--the way you looked before you fell and broke your hip. I called your name, and you smiled at me, motioning for me to keep quiet because I was the only one who could see you. I feel your presence from time to time. Once, I sensed that you were hovering around me while I was photocopying test papers, and I knew you were praying for me that very moment. Whenever I stay in the office till late at night and I need to go for a bathroom break, I can smell your powder in the restroom. When I got home from church on the day of your fourth death anniversary, I smelled your powder in the kitchen. I know you're happy where you are because you're with God, free from bedsores, heartaches, and all the hardships you endured in your lifetime. And I know we'll see each other again, in God's time. In the meantime, I just have to be contented with the instances when I feel your presence. I also take comfort knowing that I inherited not only your physical features (such as your slightly heart-shaped face and your small hands and feet), but also your disposition and inclinations (like your passion for teaching...and even your attitude when it comes to love). For I know a part of you will always be with me. But I still miss you.

Rest in peace, Lola. I love you.

found herself @ 8:40 PM 16 comments